service with a smile

So i wasn't *really* smiling. But i WAS serving, and that was the important part.

Last night was one of those times when it required every ounce of determination to serve, and when i had to really face, once more, what being slave really is.

All i mean is that Padrone wanted, needed, to use me last night. He needed pain, real pain, the sounds and the knowledge that i was suffering for Him physically, not just mentally as happens during online scenes. i had had a very long day, hadn't slept well for a few nights since i am trying to transition to sleeping in a bed rather than a recliner again, and all *i* wanted to do was to go crash into the nearest place i could relax. But guess what. This life isn't all about what *i* want, in the least.

Padrone is amazingly caring and giving. Yes, that makes me want to serve and please Him all the more, especially when i feel like it! But last night i didn't feel like it, and He knew it. When i was asked if there were some problem, though...my response is the only one that a slave can give. i said something like "no problem, for a slave".

And that is my point. Here is what happened....

i haven't served Him in the specific way i did last night in so long that there were some things i didn't think of ahead of time, potential problems that i expressed via email and texts after we got offline. And there was a wait from the time we got offline until we talked on the phone, and that was the hardest time of all, i really wanted to sleeeeeeep!

When i called Him, it wasn't easy for me to do even the pleasurable for me things He allowed. But i did, and i did enjoy them......even begging to cum as i did, for as long as He needed to hear my desperate voice begging for release....NOW i'm all squirmy thinking about it, but last night i just wanted to......sleep....lol.

(Btw, i'm NOT at my best when my bed is calling, could y'all tell?)

Then came the time i knew was coming. There is one specific way that Padrone loves for me to suffer for Him, it is something that we have done often in the past, and which we scene online often, but i have only felt this once in the past 3 months or so because of my shoulder. So i knew that it would be a very, very difficult time for me, mentally....

And i was right. Padrone knew it, and He granted me mercy by not making me beg for something that He knew i didn't really want.....He honored my honesty in that way... because He knew that, had He wanted it, i would have begged anyway....

But i suffered....burning and filled and clamped......vibe buzzing, increasing it all....and i sobbed and pleaded.....until He gained His satisfaction......and then He allowed me release.....from the intense pain, even though there were lingering effects.....and i did have to beg to get off the phone and leave...because after that i was totally exhausted....i mean totally......

And so i was able to do what so many submissives give lip service to. i was able to fully and deeply submit to my Master. And i guess the cliche is true......if it is done when it is easy, it's not real submission. It really IS easy to "submit" to what we want to do anyway, and it is easy to "submit" when we are rewarded for it. But when it becomes a situation that is truly for HIS pleasure alone (yes, i was allowed to cum, and yes it was pleasurable, but it wasnt't what *i* wanted - *i* wanted bed, remember?)....then it usually becomes a problem.

i am so very glad that Padrone chose to use me last night. i am glad that He needed what only i can give Him, and that He allowed me to express pure submission to Him last night. That is exactly what it was. There was no motive of pleasure on my part, even secondary pleasure. i didn't WANT to do the things He needed me to do. But i did, for the sole reason that He needed for me to do them. His pleasure is utmost in my life, far above my own, and i am not talking about the pain of a scene, that usually is pleasurable to slaves in their service.

That, to me, is what submission is. That is my role as slave, and it is my duty to my Padrone. i give Him my all....sometimes i must show it.

Thank You, Padrone, for giving me that opportunity....to show You just how deeply i submit to You. i selfishly wish i could have given more. i selfishly wish i could have done it with an attitude that allowed me to gain deep pleasure from Your use as well. But the point wasn't my pleasure, and i thank You that You did allow me to give even without my selfish interests being met. i am honored, Padrone, that You allowed me to serve You, purely because of my role as Your slave.

i am Yours.