a semblance of normality

Actually, i had decided i wouldn't type here anymore. But i finally realized again that i blog for myself, and for my Master, and so i will continue to do so. i do sometimes need a place to type things out. :)

There isn't a lot to type, not for public consumption at any rate. i am not being punished any longer. Padrone surprised me once by granting mercy when i begged for it, and a second time for ending the punishment earlier than He had proposed when He granted mercy. i have the most wonderful Padrone out there.

So now, we have been working on getting everything back to normal. It's impossible to be fully normal now of course, but slowly i am recovering, and slowly things are getting back where they should be. i was able to serve Him with pain for the first time in longer than i can even remember specifically, the other night. Talk about deeply emotional, and so incredibly fulfilling....it felt so right, finally. There had been such a hole inside me, one that i knew i couldn't help because i didn't WANT to be injured, and i definitely didn't want to have such a long drawn-out recovery.

i am alright now, i think, with the unfairness of how my injury has affected Padrone. i struggled with that for a long time, my inability to serve as i have been, for such a long time. i KNOW it has been difficult for Him, but He has been so careful not to enhance my feelings of inadequacy by dwelling on His need. Believe me, i dwell on it enough for both of us!

But since i am able to use both hands to type, finally, scening online has become an option again. That helped, i know. But hearing His wishes.....hearing my reactions... those things are so necessary now, so needed....so indespensible,and there is simply no substitute for it at all. So yes, it feels as if things are finally coming back to normal now, even though it will probably be a while before i can do some things He loves. But what there IS, is still amazing and beautiful and so intense....why think about what isn't there? i will recover, things will be added once more, in their own time.

i am so grateful, Padrone, for so much that You do, and things that You don't do as well. You take great care of me, You protect me so tenderly, even when i don't see it. i am humbled by Your care, Padrone, and i am unutterably grateful for the way You own me. Grazie, my Master.