Holding Fast

i have done a lot of thinking and typing lately about how lucky i am that Padrone held fast, that He didn't turn away even when it would have been far easier for Him to have done so. i am incredibly lucky that He is the kind of man He is, that His commitment is so deep to the one He knows was born to be His slave, even if she did make a huge mistake recently. Oh how fortunate i am to belong to this man, who never seems to lose sight of who i am, who doesn't let one action override an entire relationship. He judges me based on who He knows i am, and He views my actions as just that, and does so fairly, even if i think He isn't fair at the time.

And i know exactly what that means, y'all. The gratitude that i feel for belonging to such a man as my Padrone is true and deep, and so very strong. i KNOW my fotrune, and i know that if He didn't feel i am worthy, that i am the perfect slave for Him, that He would never have held onto me so hard, so tightly. He would have let me go, let my actions be the end that i dreaded they would be. But i also would never have worn His collar for as long as i have, had He been the kind of man who would do that over even such a huge mistake when i make so few major ones.

And i guess that brings me to the other side of the coin. i seldom recognize any worth in myself, i think partly because i know that who i am has truly been allowed to be shown, because of who i belong to. i know that i am the slave i am today because of the Master who has so patiently and lovingly taught me how to submit more and more fully to Him. He longed for deeper control, and taught me how to accept and respond to it. Well, maybe not respond to it, since i was literally begging for more and more and more control..lol. But He taught me how to be His slave. He provided safety so that i could be His flower, and open to Him as if to the sun. That was so wonderful after such a difficult time as we had recently.

But y'all know what? *i* held fast too, even when it seemed as if i was pushing Him away. i don't have a great history for sticking around when the going gets tough, because i always expect to be left when i screw up. Yes, i know how wrong that is, and i know that is why i get so upset with every mistake. i know that's why i close myself when i wait for punishment. And this time i closed myself off to a huge degree, the walls were so high i couldn't see any way for them to fall again. And it was mainly because i kept waiting for more.

But even though my instinct was to run, i didn't. i held fast to Him, to us. i didn't feel that i was worthy of His ownership anymore. i didn't feel that i was the slave He deserved anymore. But it wasn't *me* that He was judging, it was my behavior. It took me a very long time to see and accept that. He kept saying it in various ways, but i couldn't hear it.

But finally i began to hear, and to trust that what He said really was true, and that who i had always known Him to be really WASN'T too good to be true. i didn't run. Had i run away, i would never have known that such a man as Padrone truly does exist, and truly does want me, love me, need me. ME. All of me. The bad things will happen, it is part of life. But for the first time, i am loved by someone who truly believes that i am worth sticking around for, even during the hard times, even when those hard times are caused by me.

i did something against my very nature. i did something that i am proud of myself for. i stuck around to see the good things, the things i honestly thought only existed in fairy tales.

i held fast to my Padrone's strength, even after i had delivered a blow to it... and He allowed me to. What a beautiful thing.

i am truly blessed. No....we both are. i am Yours, my Padrone. So Yours.