Needs

i guess my post about D/s and love got us both thinking, because Padrone and i have had a couple of discussions about that topic since it appeared in my blog. One thing y'all should know is that we seldom discuss things i type here BEFORE it appears online. i don't know why, maybe it's because this IS my blog, and these ARE my thoughts, and maybe i want to keep that perspective as much as Padrone does.

But this time i just can't let go of the idea of needs being met in any relationship, specifically D/s because that is what we live. Last night Padrone and i talked about our relationship BEYOND the D/s, just a little bit. i was surprised by His thoughts, which i won't share completely, but basically what He was saying was that we meet each other's needs for a mate, and D/s is merely a way to express it. i totally agree, but....

Somehow there are unexplored thoughts still. How did we come to BE those people to one another? How did we move from a more....traditional...D/s relationship, into a soulmate kind of relationship? (mushy, yes, oh well.) What made me realize that i am able to be the woman Padrone needs in His life? What made Him understand that He is the man i need in my life? How did the expression of needs move from "Master" and "slave" into "man" and "woman"?

Maybe i can explain a little about my thoughts using a tool that i have used elsewhere for other things:

i am a proponent of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.It is usually presented in a visual in the shape of a pyramid, and his thoughts were that the majority of people were striving to meet the bottom level of the pyramid, and as those needs were met, we move to the next level. i do agree with that idea, although i don't believe it is quite that straightforward for most of us. i know i seem to be chasing a rabbit here, but please bear with me if you will....

From the "bottom" of the pyramid, or the most basic of human needs, here are what Maslow defined as needs in the order in which they "must" be met: (the first two really don't relate to Padrone and me, and so i am merely going to list them without comment, believe it or not)

1. Biological and Physiological needs.


2. Safety needs.

3. Belongingness and Love needs.

Here's where things begin to get a little "tricky" for me, and for others, based on actions i have witnessed. Here is where i would add some sort of ... specific definition, clarification.

Belongingness and love, to me, are....points along the same path, not necesssarily the same points on a larger path. There can be no love without the sense of belonging. There can be a sense of belonging without love, of course, and so i believe that belonging must come first, love is one of those things that grows out of belonging. Actually, i would have labeled this a bit more specifically....i honestly think that the belongingness is more clearly defined as a need to be needed. It is only when one feels that He/she is NEEDED in the life of another, that the sense of belonging can even happen, much less love.

Alright, now i am going to begin to discourse with a bit more detail, and a bit more personally. Padrone and i love one another, and as i said in an earlier post, most of that is because we meet needs for one another. We could not have defined that in the beginning, of course, although it was present from the earliest interactions. Then it was just that we somehow knew that we were right for each other....that we enjoyed something about the other's company and the way we related to one another, so much that we each defied what we truly thought we were in order to have a relationship with one another.

We met needs, we realized that there was a part of us that did belong to the other, and we finally came to accept and cherish that fact. We came to love one another beyond the initial "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feelings we initially had. That is the kind of thing that fades with familiarity. The knowledge that we belong to one another deeply and uniquely won't fade. It is what keeps the "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feeling strong!

i know that may sound strange, but this is a much better, more detailed explanation of what i have said before - the D/s came first, then the love. It is more that we saw how well we met each other's needs, and spent more and more time together because of that, and accepted how deeply we belong to one another as trust grew.....and defined the emotions that naturally began to be felt and noticed and expressed as "love".

Yes, i said it first. What did y'all expect?!?

4. Esteem needs.

When i think of esteem needs, i think of feeling worthy of belonging, and that can only happen if the feelings of worth come from both inside and outside. That is, in my opinion, why it is a very moot point when a submissive says "i am not worthy" and the Dom says "it isn't your opinion that matters". It very much IS her opinion that matters, and it is the Dom's duty to change that opinion of how she perceives the value He places on her. i can be totally bombarded with what Padrone considers proof of how highly He values me, with words or actions, but until *i* change my perception and finally accept His "proof" as what it is, then His esteem of me doesn't affect my self-esteem whatsoever. When in a relationship, one's esteem HAS to be validated by both sources, or there will always be a conflict, and there can never be a satisfying relationship.

Now, i have to say that this is probably the MOST difficult thing i have ever struggled with. i have a "past" as do so many women who identify themselves as submissives, and that "past" wreaked havoc with my self-esteem. It made it hard to trust the acceptance i saw so clearly from Padrone, even after i told Him about my history. When i finally began to accept His high opinion of me, i was able to move to the self-esteem issues that had to be dealt with in order for the relationship to have moved from "blah" to full and rich and satisfying. Padrone calls it my "leap of faith". Maybe it was. All i know is that i knew there was more, and that even though He owned another slave (yes, i did begin to work on my self-esteem while being owned by a Master who owned another slave. THAT was why this is the most difficult thing i have ever struggled with) - even though He did, i needed more from Him. The only way i could GET more was to give more. The only way to give more was to trust that He wanted more from me, and to trust that what i gave was what He wanted. i had to believe that His life was richer for my presence, and then choose to believe that my presence could enrich it even more.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Believe it or not, i do agree that other needs must be met before this one can be met. Noone who has unresolved needs to belong or with self-esteem, for instance, can ever realize their personal potential. i couldn't even see that i HAD potential for the longest time, much less try to find ways to meet it. Self-fulfillment was for those that deserved it, all i deserved was to be treated as poorly as i always had been (poor me, i know). Personal growth was a joke, i literally used to laugh at it and say "i'm too big already, i don't need to grow any more!". And my peak experience was when i went to the top of Pike's Peak years ago.

But now....wow. How all that has changed. i still have problems seeing my own potential, but i truly think we all do. And i will always ask Padrone "do You think i can?" regarding any new thought or venture that i might be interested in. i have discovered that self-fulfillment, for me, is nothing more than being true to myself, the self i have discovered and allowed to bloom for Padrone and because of His care and proteciveness. i have grown as a woman......well, even Padrone, months ago, said that He felt that He owned a woman, rather than still owning a girl. It is more than maturing, it is really learning, discovering, who i am and how best to express it, within the safety of belonging to such a man as Padrone. i do believe that it can and should happen outside relationships for those who are unowned, but i also know it is incredibly difficult. As someone told me long ago, and which i never truly did more than give lip service to....our greatest source of validation of our worth, lies inside our own skin.

And peak experiences....

i will NOT disclose them in any detail, but Padrone....You know what i refer to....when You call me by my real name....when it is just You and me....Padrone and schiava....Master and slave....Man and woman....naked, vulnerable emotionally, yet so safe with each other that there is no risk, only deep satisfaction ....deep fulfillment....we have become, in Maslow's words, self-actualized. We are the best we can be, with each other.

And that says it all, Padrone. i am the best woman i know how to be, as Your woman. You are the man for me, the one who can and does meet my needs so well (even of this needy schiava). Because You do....i can meet Yours...

You said that You wanted a woman to make You feel adored, to be so devoted to You, to make You feel....well i won't say what You said, but basically You need to feel like the very best man on the face of the earth. i believe You are, and so i meet those needs naturally, allowing You to move beyond and into the "higher" needs, which we also meet for one another. That is the entire point - the one You said first last night. It is who we are as people that meets the needs of each other, and who we are, what we need, is best expressed through D/s.

i am proud to be Yours, Padrone, and proud of You as well. Thank You, my Love.