Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy Anniversary....Sharing a Life for Four Years

Happy Anniversary, my Master! For four years i have had the absolute honor of being Your slave, of wearing Your collar, and of being bound to You with bonds far stronger than leather. i am the luckiest, most blessed woman on earth.

i got an e-card from Padrone today. It's far more rare than it used to be for me to get one, but the reasons for that are many and i understand every one of them. It was so incredibly special to wake up to a card from my Owner, telling me Happy Anniversary!

But it was His comment within the card that made me almost cry, as it echoes so clearly what i have been thinking lately. Four years ago our lives changed.

At the time, of course, we had no clue to the extent they would change. Who can know things like that at the beginning of a relationship.

But i can say, and i will say, that i get just as much a "thrill" from wearing His collar today as i did then, if not more of one. Today i am equally as proud to belong to Him, to show off His ownership of me, to revel in the knowledge that we were made for each other as i ever was. It is equal in depth, in strength, yet so much more clearly understood.

There is no way to really show the emotions that fill me to overflowing, but i try so hard....i have always strived to let Padrone know how deeply grateful i am to belong to Him, and why. That requires letting down walls and revealing emotions not seen by anyone else....not the showing of the gratitude, but usually the telling of the why.

For four years i have felt a deep, abiding gratitude for this man's collar, his ownership of me. It has grown, deepened, strengthened, expanded, and become more tender as time has passed, but the character of it, or Him, has never changed. i have changed dramatically, but for the good. We make each other better people, simply because of who we are and the relationship we share.

i could go into so many reasons why this is so, and knowing me, i probably will soon. But for now, i hope to simply bask in the knowledge that we are still together, i am still so lucky to belong to this wonderful man, after four years of wearing his collar. i am so deeply honored to belong to such a wonderful man, someone who has shown me what it truly means to live a life of submission in my slavery.

i love You, Padrone. And i am Yours, forever...Your devoted, adoring, grateful slave.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Renewal, Refreshment, Reiteration

These are thoughts i expressed long ago. They are even more deeply felt now.

My Your feet.
Kneeling, lying, waiting...
A place few understand,
Fewer desire.
I cannot resist.

My purpose....serving You.
Offering, welcoming, suffering...
A purpose few understand,
Fewer desire.
I cannot resist.

My pride....Your praise.
Positive, encouraging, motivating...
A pride few understand,
Fewer desire.
I cannot resist.

My joy.....Your pleasure.
Physical, mental, emotional...
A joy few understand,
Fewer desire.
I cannot resist.

My yearning....Your love.
Words, actions, acceptance...
A yearning few understand,
Fewer desire.
I cannot resist.

My deepest need....Your happiness...
With or without me.
A need few understand,
Maybe even You.
I cannot need less.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Theory vs. Reality

i have so many thoughts running through my mind lately, that i hope to be able to put into words sooner or later. But the biggest one is in relation to the "ideal" of D/s vs. the reality of it.

Someone has asked the question of me recently - isn't online D/s only mental? My answer was along the lines of "tell that to me while i'm in the midst of having an orgasm!" Then i venture the opinion that ALL forms of D/s are purely mental. The physical aspects couldn't happen if the mental weren't in place.

But somehow some people, especially those new to D/s, seem to form the idea that what they fantasize is how it is supposed to be. We hear others talk about how wonderful submission is, or how beautiful it is that someone's submissive is so eager to serve, and we get a totally skewed perception of what this is all about.

On the other hand, we also usually leave reality out of it when we judge our own actions as well.

For example. There are so many submissives who talk about their "struggle to submit". i'm not sure what they mean, until i understand that they are talking about behaviors. They don't obey instantly. They have a snippy comeback for their Master when asked/told to do something. They have problems performing expected behaviors, not merely sexually, and not merely "service-oriented". But that, to me, does *not* indicate a struggle to submit. It merely indicates a struggle to obey.

Submission and obedience are not mutually exclusive ideas. That's the fantasy aspect.

How many of You Doms out there love the idea of having a submissive who is ready, willing, and eager, and ABLE to do whatever You wish, whenever and however You wish it...and of course there will never be anything to hinder her obedience - never a bad day at work, never a menstrual cycle, never kids, never parents, never an ex, never any stress whatsoever, never even an inexplicable bad mood.

Now, bring that fantasy down to the real world. Sometimes Your coffee will not be ready just as and when You like it. It happens. Sometimes You may have to wait for dinner because the car broke down while she was grocery shopping. Sometimes You may not even be able to use her because she started her period on the day You were Your horniest. Sometimes she's fussing with her kids and can't seem to shake her DommeMomme mode enough to be of submissive use to You.

Does that make her any less submissive, because she didn't obey?

Or would You rather have someone who is constantly reminded of how much they "owe" You, how lucky they are to be allowed to submit to someone, to be owned, etc.... basically manipulated into obedience because of course in fantasyland that is how submissives feel constantly. She may be the most obedient of slaves, out of fear of consequences if she isn't, but she is rebellious and resentful in her heart.

Does *that* make her any more submissive, because she *did* obey?

And think about Doms for a moment. i know any who happen to read this blog are above reproach because You call Yourself Master(insertNickHere), but the reality is that unless You solve every one of my problems for me immediately, release any and all stress from my life, make my family and my job perfect, and are always loving, kind, and considerate (except when i will allow You to feel like using me of course), then You're not a Dom!

Um. Yeah.

Or maybe i want/need (and yes, the submissive has all the control and so it really *is* all about her, haven't You heard?)...You to be domineering and controlling to the point of abuse and beyond, because i am so unworthy to even be in Your presence, oh Domly one, much less belong to You, and so i will do/give/be anything and everything to You. You are my god, my reason for living, and when You collared me 2 weeks ago, it was the best day of my life, including when i had my kids! You supercede anything and anyone who has ever existed in my life, past, present, and even future i know! i just KNOW we'll be together FOREVER!

Or at least until You get tired of me, and i have no idea what i will do then with the tattoo on my body, but the next Master will just have to deal with it or something because i am YOURS...for now at least!!!

*big grin*

People, fantasy is just that. It is different from the mental aspects of D/s - as different as night and day. But so many really seem to think that "mental" equals "fantasy".

i would submit to You that the mental aspects are nothing more than the willing and gradual exchange of power and control that happens as a result of a Dominant and a submissive learning slowly about each other, becoming vulnerable to each other, treating each other honorably and fairly and with respect....and mostly as a result of trust building. Yes, i would offer the idea that the mental aspects of D/s are based on trust more than anything else....and the only way for the mental parts to get stronger is as trust builds.

In the beginning there is nothing more than a *desire* to trust, and a willingness to open up a bit - enough to begin to learn about a certain person, to discover if he/she is trustworthy enough for me to open up even more. As i trust, so i will be freer to become even more vulnerable and expose more fully the D or s aspects of my personality....reinforcing the mental aspects of D/s.

Trust is built upon behaviors, at times, but more upon the willingness to attempt to obey even if it seems (and even if it is later discovered to *be) an impossible task on the part of the submissive...and upon the willingness to admit when one is wrong, or has expected too much when that happens, on the part of the Dominant.

Failures happen, even in the *best* or most *perfect* D/s relationships. Submissives don't obey perfectly. Dominants expect unrealistic things. It just happens.

The key to keeping it in the realm of reality rather than fantasy is admitting that very fact. Even if i don't obey perfectly, i try to do so. THAT is what makes me a good submissive. And even if Padrone doesn't always make the right choices, He tries to do so, and that is what makes Him a good Dominant.

It is as He said, if He wanted a fantasy-based relationship, He could go online, roleplay whatever He wanted to, then turn the computer off.

But what He wants is someone like me - someone who isn't perfect, but who tries to obey when told what to do, and who tries to think of ways to offer new things based on what i know He likes and prefers. And what i want is Padrone - someone who knows what He wants out of a D/s relationship, and finds ways in the real world, to make it happen.

He doesn't think "oh i love the thought of keeping her in a cage", and make me go buy a cage to stay in when i'm home. Why not? Well, how would i get chores done that way? How would i answer the phone if He calls? How would i get online to interact with Him? How would i deal with the animals, feeding and caring for them? Not to mention what in the world would i tell my KIDS????

But He *does* love the idea of having that much power over me, and the power He expresses is in deep levels of control, and so He finds other ways to control my thoughts and behaviors that give Him the same kind of feelings of power that keeping me in a cage would give Him. Since He hasn't (to my knowledge) ever kept anyone in a cage, even the imagined power rush He would feel is a fantasy, and the reality of it may or may not be the same as the fantasy.

And me? Well, i have an idea in my mind about what i consider the perfect slave. That has caused me problems in the past because i would get terribly upset when i thought i had failed. OMG i didn't text this hour!!! OH Padrone, i am SO sorry, i won't ever do it again! i will ALWAYS watch the clock!! (yes i have made those idiotic promises. Didn't live up to them of course, but hey, i made them anyway)

What i was saying is "Padrone, i won't be my human self because she isn't good enough for You and i will somehow turn into "superslave" and be...perfect." That's not going to happen in any way or fashion. And finally, finally i accept it. i still strive to do my best to be obedient, but i realize a little bit more clearly that making a mistake, or forgetting, or doing something wrong, or even making a choice to disobey is not being "non-submissive". Submission, like Dominance, is an attitude, rather than a behavior.

Keeping that little idea in mind is what it means to live in the real world of D/s, happily, even over miles of physical separation. What i do is important of course. But it is because of my attitude of submission that i choose to obey to the best of my ability. And for Padrone, His attitude of Dominance means that He choose to control, to use the authority He has over my life, to the best of His ability.

We are so incredibly lucky to have found each other. i am blessed to belong to this wonderful man, who loves me and owns me and controls me and cherishes me and makes is far easier to submit than it would be if anyone other than Him expected it of me. He makes it easy to give Him my all, because He wants every bit of me, even the mistakes and the temper and the worrier. i am Yours, proudly and gratefully so, my wonderful Padrone.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

In defense of LDRs

i've been doing some thinking lately. i have been thinking about how much i have changed in the past 4 years, how much i have grown emotionally, mentally, even intellectually to a degree, and what the cause of it has been. i have come to some conclusions that may offend a few people, but i don't particularly care - lol.

What i have done, emotionally, nobody will ever be able to understand without knowing just a bit about my history. i had typed it out in detail, and it won't be posted. But in general, i was sexually molested by several family members (one at a time) throughout my childhood, among other abuses and situations and circumstances. All of that created major psychological issues that i commonly refer to as "demons" here in my blog. Those demons created issues for me throughout adulthood, and eventually led to me discovering D/s, and finally to divorce. Even in the D/s realm, i have a history of failed relationships, or failed attempts at relationships even.

The Master i was in a relationship with before i met Padrone, as a matter of fact, was long distance as well. He is the one who made me realize the need for me to look into myself and see if i could face some of the demons and possibly find a way to overcome them.

i did begin that journey then, but when the relationship ended...well even before then....i made a conscious choice to erect extremely high walls and never let anyone inside again.


When i met Padrone, i knew i had issues to work on. i didn't think i could do so, i didn't think i could face them on my own and i really didn't think that limited contact with Him would be enough emotional support, or distraction, or control, for me to deal with all the emotions i knew would be erupting as i moved along this journey.

i didn't think a long distance relationship would allow me to do all the "work" i needed to do emotionally, and so i decided not to fool with any of it.

What actually HAPPENED is that as i became more "emotionally" safe, i was able to face emotional demons with the knowledge that Padrone would accept, support, and love me no matter what i found, or what i had to deal with. And frankly, (and this is the part that may be offensive to some folks, but so be it)....i could never have done it if we had not been long distance.

All the other things about a relationship would have gotten in the way, see. This way i have been able to focus on Him, to search myself and find ways to be a better slave to Him. That's the bottom line, but it has necessarily turned into me becoming a better person overall as the baggage is lifted from my shoulders, slowly and gradually yet inexorably.

If i had to worry about all the things that are a part of a face-to-face kind of relationship, as well as the emotional junk, i would never be where i am now. And that is what makes our relationship an absolutely vital, vibrant, thriving, real, living, growing, wonderful thing. i have been able to focus not on the day-to-day issues of serving face-to-face, and so i have had the energy to focus on making myself a better person overall.

See...NOW, while i am working on becoming emotionally healthy....i can do just that....i don't have to worry about whether or not He will like what i fix for dinner, so i can just...fix dinner and let my mind wander as i do. i don't have to think about my irritable mood ruining anything...i don't have to worry about feeling sexy or looking my best or being distracted by something He does that annoys me. i don't have to wonder what the effect of my rigorous introspection and absorption with my self will have on our relationship, because *this* way i know i can focus on Him most of the time while we are together, and when i can't, He understands. To expect Him to "understand" when it's weeks on end of constant difficulty to focus on Him would be way too much, but it would be inevitable if we lived in the same house because...while relaxing the "work" of introspection is possible for me for a while every day, when i am in that mode, it affects my entire life for the most part, and to try to relax that work for more than a while every day would be defeating the purpose and truly prolong the journey. It's been long enough as it is, believe me.

All i have to do is to learn to accept HIS acceptance of me, and as i do that, i can face whatever i have to face and know that the "ugly" side of me can be shown, at least a bit. And the best part about it all? When we *do* finally meet, i will be a healthy, emotionally balanced woman who has better things to give her Master than the woman He met online initially! i *will* be able to focus on the daily aspects of our relationship, and i won't have so much baggage preventing me from being as pleasing as i possibly can be....which emotional baggage, by its very nature, does.

For those who say that long distance relationships aren't as "real" as face to face ones, i say you are absolutely, without a doubt, plain old WRONG. For those who think they are less than, not as good as, or a substitute for a face-to-face realtionship, again, WRONG.

This one, at least, is a very healthy one, and has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and to Padrone as well, in many ways, not the least of which it has enabled me to focus on my own emotional healing without the kinds of distractions that are always present when one lives with one's partner.

i do understand that this concept is foreign and absolutely inconceivable to many people, especially judgmental folks who haven't yet learned that there really *are* shades of grey in life. i understand that this concept is scoffed at and ridiculed by some as well.

But in the words of the South's most famous bachelor....Frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn.

Padrone, i am not sure why these words, these thoughts, have been bubbling inside my mind for a while now. All i know is that i have learned a lot of things in this relationship, and because of this relationship, and i am grateful beyond words that You have been there, especially when i know it wasn't easy for You to be, or when You didn't have a clue what i was doing or going through or who i was....You have shown me, taught me by Your actions and Your words, that not every relationship will be "traditional" or "conventional" and that ours doesn't have to be to be quite successful. i will go so far as to say that, had we met too soon, it would even have failed....because of who i was then, and because of the way our relationship has allowed me the space to become who i am.

Maybe that's the whole point. You control me so deeply, totally, and wonderfully. Yet i have the emotional space to grow and learn and change and become a better slave and a better person. That would be FAR more difficult if we lived together from the beginning, or even visited often.

Padrone, i am deeply grateful to You for the way You are. i can't ever begin to express the deep appreciation for how You have used common sense to own me. i know i am safe as Your slave....that, Padrone, has always been my emotional nirvana - to feel safe. You have created that utopia for me, and i am grateful, proud, and relieved to live here peacefully. Thank You for believing in me, Padrone.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Challenges and compromises

And of course, after a post proclaiming how deeply HIS i am, i am faced with a dilemma that challenges me on that point!

Even after four years, and even though we are long distance, our relationship continues to grow and stretch and test us in ways we (read *i*) don't often expect.

We've been exploring humiliation in a deeper way, based on needs both of us have. (i am tempted to chase the "rabbit" of why i need humiliation, but i'll stay focused here.) i begged for deeper humiliation, actually, without any idea if Padrone felt the need to humiliate me or not, and ... i begged for it to last all day, not in an isolated kind of case. And so of course that let Him know things about my mindset that i probably wouldn't have been able to express except through the strongest M/s dynamic. That, in this particular case, meant me begging.

That was a couple of weeks ago. He did, indeed, choose to introduce deeper levels of humiliation to me. It's been good for me, i have learned quite a bit about HIM, as well as myself in the process. It hasn't been easy, but that's kind of the point of humiliation, isn't it? Yes, i am dragging my proverbial feet here, not getting to the whole point of this post. *sigh*

Late last week, Padrone asked me to begin to do something that i, a bit unexpectedly, had major problems doing. i was willing, i *wanted* to please Him, i *yearned* to do what He wanted, but when it came down to it, i simply couldn't make myself do it. All He wanted was for me to....act more sexy, more slutty, more whorish. Well, that's not so hard, is it?

For some reason, i hit full stop. My mind fixated on what He said He wanted, and i couldn't move beyond it. i had no real idea what He wanted, and that is always a problem for me. Historically, almost everything He has ever asked me to do, and some things He has merely expressed a preference for, i have done whatever it took, and at times it took a LOT, to do/be/give whatever asked of me.

This time, i couldn't do it.

i could go into all the reasons why, analysis of my own emotions and demons and responses and bombs. i could tell You what i have discovered and what i assume was the reason for my failure. But this time, i am going to share the blame (for once).

This time, Padrone very uncharacteristically mentioned His desire before He really knew just what He wanted. Sometimes that isn't a problem because there are times when my questions trying to figure it out myself, helps Him clarify things in His own mind. But this time they didn't seem to help, and the way i asked them let Him know of my struggle, that it was a big deal to me. i had a lot of anxiety, old demons, old fears suddenly overwhelming me and paralyzing me - this time. Padrone didn't quite understand why, i don't think. To Him it was a simple request, and indeed it was. But without really understanding more about what He wanted, specifically if He just wanted the slutty behavior or if he wanted it more for humiliation purposes, it was hard for me to offer perform, running the risk of being mocked and ridiculed (humiliation) for something i might have assumed would have been merely a sexual gesture.

So, i had a dilemma. Padrone wanted something from me that even He couldn't define, and while i had a general idea, i didn't really know when He wanted it, because He *did* say that He didn't want it all the time. He couldn't give me any guidelines, because He had no clear idea Himself.

And the "yearning to serve and please and earn His praise and make Him proud of me" side was in a major tizzy, to say the least, not to mention the "ohmygod i can't figure out what He wants what is wrong with me and how do i fix this now" side.

Things came to a head one day this week. We kind of had a misunderstanding, and i pushed things, pushed some buttons triggered by my insecurities, and then pushed further. The misunderstanding stemmed from my anxiety over how and when He wanted me to act sluttier, and when He had me do something sexual, i asked if that was an example of a time when He wanted me to act that way. Well, let's just say my asking kind of killed the mood for Him, and that led to things being said out of frustration and my anxiety level for not only guessing wrong but also in leading to His frustration and....

Well, when we finally talked several hours later, we did end up reaching kind of a compromise. While He wants me to have a little more initiative in expressing my sexuality, He doesn't want me to do it all the time and unless i have some way to know when it would be appropriate i can't do it. i just can't make myself "guess" and be wrong about something humiliating. i mean, let's face it. Humiliation can be a good, a sexually arousing and fulfilling thing for some people. It is for me, in the right circumstances. But if it isn't meant in a sexual way, then it embarrassing.

Anyway, i asked if He could give me a "clue" as to when He wanted me to act more slutty, and basically what we decided was a compromise between the two. We would continue to do what we are doing now, and when i would normally be sexual, i am to "ramp it up" a bit. (btw, it's really hard for me to do that too, mainly because i don't think of myself as sexy, but also because of fear of rejection or ridicule, and mostly because NOW especially, what sexiness i have is because of Padrone and for His pleasure, and being "initiator" seemed to be taking that control from HIM and .... i think i finally figured out the last puzzle piece, maybe)

He would love for me to initiate at times. But i know Him well enough to know that if i do it at a time when He doesn't want it, then that would be one of those "embarrassments" rather than a positive thing, and it would be that much *more* difficult for me the next time. So for now, the compromise we worked out seems the best bet, until He can figure out more clearly how to convey what He wants, or until i kind of grow enough to offer more than that myself.

i do realize that is what He values most of all....the offering of things difficult. That is when the submission is most deeply expressed, maybe even most eloquently expressed. And in this, i failed.

We're beyond that time, so soon, and i have done a humiliating task, with candles lit every time we talk online to remind me of it - a constant humiliation as it were. i even typed an email along the lines of what i think He wants, regarding the humiliating task. (That was one of those freely offered things that was difficult to do, but since we talked, i thought He might approve of it and He did.) So we're living and learning, and that is the best way to be!

Padrone, i hope that we can always compromise, communicate, and resolve our issues. i hope that even when tempers flair and unreasonable fears rear their ugly heads, we never forget our deep love and commitment to one another and to our relationship.

i love You, i long to serve and to please You, and i hope to find a way to do so, no matter what You ask of Your owned, beloved, surrendered slave.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


i am truly, without any reservations, His.

i know, quite a revelation for someone who has been collared almost 4 years, isn't it?

This week we have been delving a bit deeper into humiliation, and if anyone really believes humiliation is NOT an emotional minefield, then they are either delusional or exceptionally lucky.

Personally, it was such a difficult thing that in the beginning i could barely stand even the most subtle humiliation. You see, i have a history of sexual abuse, not by one man, but by many and all throughout my childhood. So i learned to relate to men in a sexual way, but because i knew that i wasn't valued by them in any way, and eventually absolutely rejected by most of them, i learned that acting in a sexual manner would attract, but it would eventually repel those it attracted.

i realized as late as today, after talking with Padrone and pouring out my fears about a way in which i will grow, and our relationship will benefit by such growth, that the men who abused me were *all* weak. i had made them "larger than life" in my mind, mainly because i WAS a child when it all happened, and they seemed that way to me. But any repercussions regarding my actions shouldn't reflect upon me, but rather upon THEM and their treatment of me. Yes, quite a simple thought, right?

It has been a shocking revelation to me, simple or not.

i had been so scared that, by acting in a more sexual manner, i would repel Padrone like i had everyone else - ugh. Ugh! How COULD i lump Padrone in with those jerks?

But, given my emotional could i *not*?

And so, while i had always been whore, slut, ready, available, even eager to be used by everyone and anyone.....when i was collared, i became His. i never fully understood until tonight, that, while He still wants me to be whore, slut, ready, available and as eager to be used as i can be.....He wants those behaviors exhibited only for Him, even if He wants me to act that way in a channel....they will be only for Him, because *i* am only for Him.

Being whore and slut is all well and good. There is nothing wrong with that. It was my own fears that had me terrified that i would somehow suddenly become repulsive to the one who has never found me repulsive no matter what He has learned about me or how i have acted. It was based on history, past, things that will always influence us, especially me i am afraid. And yes, i am often afraid, but Padrone is so wonderfully quick to reassure me and to remind me who i am, and especially WHOSE i am.

Thank You, Padrone, for cherishing me, for treasuring me, for respecting me, even when i am doing degrading things.....and *because* i am doing them...for You, only for You, Padrone. Thank You for loving me, for owning me....i am grateful that i am learning over and over again....that i truly am, Yours.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

A Fourth of July post, including D/s thoughts

Well. First off i am going to say Happy Birthday to the USA! It's really hard to remember sometimes what this holiday is all about. After all, it's the middle of the summer, folks aren't fighting in the backyard (unless you have kids, but that's a different story), and we aren't struggling to form a brand new country, declaring our independence from one we consider unfair in their dealings with us, and oppressive in their rule of us. But if we take a moment and put ourselves in the shoes of those who signed the Declaration of Independence we realize that they could easily have been signing their own death warrant, truly putting their lives on the line for something they believed strongly in.

Nowadays if someone does that, they are considered insane at worst, naively misguided at best, and are always an object of pity. We truly don't care as much as we used to, the human race as a whole. We can't judge folks based on our own beliefs, because by doing so we may offend someone. We can't state opinions that differ from the most outspoken, or we are argued down and ridiculed. The majority, even in our own country, is silenced by folks who use political correctness as a way to control the masses. If you don't believe it is true, try saying something against some of the "hot topics" that are supported by the more vocal (and more covered by media) of today's "influential people". It's sad that even in the USA freedom of speech doesn't exist any longer, out of fear of being called a "hater". And yes, i usually contribute to it by saying "oh well, not my problem".

But it IS my problem, not that i can do anything to change society as a whole. But i do exercise free speech in my home and in my community, even when it isn't popular to do so. The reality is that where i live i have a reputation as an open minded person because i speak thoughts that aren't in line with popular thought around here, but i don't do so in an "in your face, so THERE" kind of way, so i am a bit more respect even if i am thought odd. i just wish that everyone who liked to stir the pot would remember what the freedom to do so cost many good people and many more families, 230 or so years ago.

Now, i'm off the soapbox and onto some things i have been thinking lately.

i've been thinking about why i need Padrone in my life.

i know. On the surface that's a pretty stupid thing to be pondering, isn't it? But realistically it isn't. i know i need His control, but....over what? i know i need for Him to accept responsibility....that's a huge thing for me, since i carry guilt for many, many things i shouldn't feel guilty for, things that others not only refused to take responsibility for but for which the responsibility was shoved unceremoniously on my already over-burdened back. i know i need His care, His concern, His use, His humiliation, His love. that really *enough* to have made this relationship last so long and become so strong?

Maybe it would be easier to say what i *don't* need, and why.

i don't need someone to rescue me. i don't need a knight charging in on his steed, to fight the demons and dragons that may endanger me. i need to fight my own battles, to suffer, to learn, to overcome. Does that mean i don't need His protection from time to time? Of course not. There are times when i literally can't face what i have to face, and i hide from those things...usually through serving Padrone, and knowing that He is there when i need Him to be is what i need. He is supportive, accepting, encouraging, and as understanding as He can be of the demons that drive me so hard at times, those things that have often made me try to push Him away, or have made me so emotionally difficult to deal with that all i have seemed to be able to do is hope He could hold on until things settled back down.

It hasn't been fair that Padrone has paid the price for all the things done to me in the past by others, but...i needed someone that was willing to do that, so that i could, safely and in a trusted emotional environment, face the demons and render them less effective in controlling me.

What else? i also don't need a "Calgon Dom". (for those who may not remember, Calgon used to be a brand of bath crystals, and the commercial for them was a woman sinking into a bubble bath after a long day of demanding things....the words were "Calgon! Take me away!")

i don't need to be rescued, to be removed from reality. Now and then it is fun to fantasize and pretend, but the fact is that if i expect someone to come and "take me away"...He would eventually have to bring me back and while my mindset may have changed a little, the circumstances around me, and the demons and thoughts inside me, that affect how i live and who i am would still be the same.

i can't be rescued from myself. i can't be taken away from my reality.

What i have always needed, and still need, is someone who has done just as Padrone has done - who got to know me, and who used His authority over me to build a realistic framework based on who i am, where i am, what i can give, what i struggle to give, my eagerness, my frustrations, my limitations, my perfectionism.... all of it works together to give my all, to please, and to serve my Padrone to the best of my ability. That, to me, is what a Master is.

What do i call someone who has done that for me? The person who was patient and learned about *me* before demanding and ordering and controlling in unreasonable ways...the person who allowed me to struggle, to resist, to push, to try to sabotage our relationship, to push Him away, even to run away myself....the person who, with infinite patience and love, showed me the tapestry of myself as seen by Him.... the person provided a safe and secure emotional environment for me, and who waited as, when i felt secure and safe to begin what i have waited my entire life to begin, i began to face demons and (much to my surprise) began to exorcise them as well. What could i ever call a man like that, who has done all of that and so much more....just because He saw something in me a long, long time ago that He felt was worth nurturing and revealing, layer by layer, until i shine as His loved and cherished slave?

Some may call Him a knight in shining armor. Some may call Him rescuer. Some may simply call Him Master. To me, He is all of that and more.

He is my Hero.