Challenges and compromises

And of course, after a post proclaiming how deeply HIS i am, i am faced with a dilemma that challenges me on that point!

Even after four years, and even though we are long distance, our relationship continues to grow and stretch and test us in ways we (read *i*) don't often expect.

We've been exploring humiliation in a deeper way, based on needs both of us have. (i am tempted to chase the "rabbit" of why i need humiliation, but i'll stay focused here.) i begged for deeper humiliation, actually, without any idea if Padrone felt the need to humiliate me or not, and ... i begged for it to last all day, not in an isolated kind of case. And so of course that let Him know things about my mindset that i probably wouldn't have been able to express except through the strongest M/s dynamic. That, in this particular case, meant me begging.

That was a couple of weeks ago. He did, indeed, choose to introduce deeper levels of humiliation to me. It's been good for me, i have learned quite a bit about HIM, as well as myself in the process. It hasn't been easy, but that's kind of the point of humiliation, isn't it? Yes, i am dragging my proverbial feet here, not getting to the whole point of this post. *sigh*

Late last week, Padrone asked me to begin to do something that i, a bit unexpectedly, had major problems doing. i was willing, i *wanted* to please Him, i *yearned* to do what He wanted, but when it came down to it, i simply couldn't make myself do it. All He wanted was for me to....act more sexy, more slutty, more whorish. Well, that's not so hard, is it?

For some reason, i hit full stop. My mind fixated on what He said He wanted, and i couldn't move beyond it. i had no real idea what He wanted, and that is always a problem for me. Historically, almost everything He has ever asked me to do, and some things He has merely expressed a preference for, i have done whatever it took, and at times it took a LOT, to do/be/give whatever asked of me.

This time, i couldn't do it.

i could go into all the reasons why, analysis of my own emotions and demons and responses and bombs. i could tell You what i have discovered and what i assume was the reason for my failure. But this time, i am going to share the blame (for once).

This time, Padrone very uncharacteristically mentioned His desire before He really knew just what He wanted. Sometimes that isn't a problem because there are times when my questions trying to figure it out myself, helps Him clarify things in His own mind. But this time they didn't seem to help, and the way i asked them let Him know of my struggle, that it was a big deal to me. i had a lot of anxiety, old demons, old fears suddenly overwhelming me and paralyzing me - this time. Padrone didn't quite understand why, i don't think. To Him it was a simple request, and indeed it was. But without really understanding more about what He wanted, specifically if He just wanted the slutty behavior or if he wanted it more for humiliation purposes, it was hard for me to offer it....to perform, running the risk of being mocked and ridiculed (humiliation) for something i might have assumed would have been merely a sexual gesture.

So, i had a dilemma. Padrone wanted something from me that even He couldn't define, and while i had a general idea, i didn't really know when He wanted it, because He *did* say that He didn't want it all the time. He couldn't give me any guidelines, because He had no clear idea Himself.

And the "yearning to serve and please and earn His praise and make Him proud of me" side was in a major tizzy, to say the least, not to mention the "ohmygod i can't figure out what He wants what is wrong with me and how do i fix this now" side.

Things came to a head one day this week. We kind of had a misunderstanding, and i pushed things, pushed some buttons triggered by my insecurities, and then pushed further. The misunderstanding stemmed from my anxiety over how and when He wanted me to act sluttier, and when He had me do something sexual, i asked if that was an example of a time when He wanted me to act that way. Well, let's just say my asking kind of killed the mood for Him, and that led to things being said out of frustration and my anxiety level for not only guessing wrong but also in leading to His frustration and....

Well, when we finally talked several hours later, we did end up reaching kind of a compromise. While He wants me to have a little more initiative in expressing my sexuality, He doesn't want me to do it all the time and unless i have some way to know when it would be appropriate i can't do it. i just can't make myself "guess" and be wrong about something humiliating. i mean, let's face it. Humiliation can be a good, a sexually arousing and fulfilling thing for some people. It is for me, in the right circumstances. But if it isn't meant in a sexual way, then it just....is embarrassing.

Anyway, i asked if He could give me a "clue" as to when He wanted me to act more slutty, and basically what we decided was a compromise between the two. We would continue to do what we are doing now, and when i would normally be sexual, i am to "ramp it up" a bit. (btw, it's really hard for me to do that too, mainly because i don't think of myself as sexy, but also because of fear of rejection or ridicule, and mostly because NOW especially, what sexiness i have is because of Padrone and for His pleasure, and being "initiator" seemed to be taking that control from HIM and .... i think i finally figured out the last puzzle piece, maybe)

He would love for me to initiate at times. But i know Him well enough to know that if i do it at a time when He doesn't want it, then that would be one of those "embarrassments" rather than a positive thing, and it would be that much *more* difficult for me the next time. So for now, the compromise we worked out seems the best bet, until He can figure out more clearly how to convey what He wants, or until i kind of grow enough to offer more than that myself.

i do realize that is what He values most of all....the offering of things difficult. That is when the submission is most deeply expressed, maybe even most eloquently expressed. And in this, i failed.

We're beyond that time, so soon, and i have done a humiliating task, with candles lit every time we talk online to remind me of it - a constant humiliation as it were. i even typed an email along the lines of what i think He wants, regarding the humiliating task. (That was one of those freely offered things that was difficult to do, but since we talked, i thought He might approve of it and He did.) So we're living and learning, and that is the best way to be!

Padrone, i hope that we can always compromise, communicate, and resolve our issues. i hope that even when tempers flair and unreasonable fears rear their ugly heads, we never forget our deep love and commitment to one another and to our relationship.

i love You, i long to serve and to please You, and i hope to find a way to do so, no matter what You ask of Your owned, beloved, surrendered slave.