Theory vs. Reality

i have so many thoughts running through my mind lately, that i hope to be able to put into words sooner or later. But the biggest one is in relation to the "ideal" of D/s vs. the reality of it.

Someone has asked the question of me recently - isn't online D/s only mental? My answer was along the lines of "tell that to me while i'm in the midst of having an orgasm!" Then i venture the opinion that ALL forms of D/s are purely mental. The physical aspects couldn't happen if the mental weren't in place.

But somehow some people, especially those new to D/s, seem to form the idea that what they fantasize is how it is supposed to be. We hear others talk about how wonderful submission is, or how beautiful it is that someone's submissive is so eager to serve, and we get a totally skewed perception of what this is all about.

On the other hand, we also usually leave reality out of it when we judge our own actions as well.

For example. There are so many submissives who talk about their "struggle to submit". i'm not sure what they mean, until i understand that they are talking about behaviors. They don't obey instantly. They have a snippy comeback for their Master when asked/told to do something. They have problems performing expected behaviors, not merely sexually, and not merely "service-oriented". But that, to me, does *not* indicate a struggle to submit. It merely indicates a struggle to obey.

Submission and obedience are not mutually exclusive ideas. That's the fantasy aspect.

How many of You Doms out there love the idea of having a submissive who is ready, willing, and eager, and ABLE to do whatever You wish, whenever and however You wish it...and of course there will never be anything to hinder her obedience - never a bad day at work, never a menstrual cycle, never kids, never parents, never an ex, never any stress whatsoever, never even an inexplicable bad mood.

Now, bring that fantasy down to the real world. Sometimes Your coffee will not be ready just as and when You like it. It happens. Sometimes You may have to wait for dinner because the car broke down while she was grocery shopping. Sometimes You may not even be able to use her because she started her period on the day You were Your horniest. Sometimes she's fussing with her kids and can't seem to shake her DommeMomme mode enough to be of submissive use to You.

Does that make her any less submissive, because she didn't obey?

Or would You rather have someone who is constantly reminded of how much they "owe" You, how lucky they are to be allowed to submit to someone, to be owned, etc.... basically manipulated into obedience because of course in fantasyland that is how submissives feel constantly. She may be the most obedient of slaves, out of fear of consequences if she isn't, but she is rebellious and resentful in her heart.

Does *that* make her any more submissive, because she *did* obey?

And think about Doms for a moment. i know any who happen to read this blog are above reproach because You call Yourself Master(insertNickHere), but the reality is that unless You solve every one of my problems for me immediately, release any and all stress from my life, make my family and my job perfect, and are always loving, kind, and considerate (except when i will allow You to feel like using me of course), then You're not a Dom!

Um. Yeah.

Or maybe i want/need (and yes, the submissive has all the control and so it really *is* all about her, haven't You heard?)...You to be domineering and controlling to the point of abuse and beyond, because i am so unworthy to even be in Your presence, oh Domly one, much less belong to You, and so i will do/give/be anything and everything to You. You are my god, my reason for living, and when You collared me 2 weeks ago, it was the best day of my life, including when i had my kids! You supercede anything and anyone who has ever existed in my life, past, present, and even future i know! i just KNOW we'll be together FOREVER!

Or at least until You get tired of me, and i have no idea what i will do then with the tattoo on my body, but the next Master will just have to deal with it or something because i am YOURS...for now at least!!!

*big grin*

People, fantasy is just that. It is different from the mental aspects of D/s - as different as night and day. But so many really seem to think that "mental" equals "fantasy".

i would submit to You that the mental aspects are nothing more than the willing and gradual exchange of power and control that happens as a result of a Dominant and a submissive learning slowly about each other, becoming vulnerable to each other, treating each other honorably and fairly and with respect....and mostly as a result of trust building. Yes, i would offer the idea that the mental aspects of D/s are based on trust more than anything else....and the only way for the mental parts to get stronger is as trust builds.

In the beginning there is nothing more than a *desire* to trust, and a willingness to open up a bit - enough to begin to learn about a certain person, to discover if he/she is trustworthy enough for me to open up even more. As i trust, so i will be freer to become even more vulnerable and expose more fully the D or s aspects of my personality....reinforcing the mental aspects of D/s.

Trust is built upon behaviors, at times, but more upon the willingness to attempt to obey even if it seems (and even if it is later discovered to *be) an impossible task on the part of the submissive...and upon the willingness to admit when one is wrong, or has expected too much when that happens, on the part of the Dominant.

Failures happen, even in the *best* or most *perfect* D/s relationships. Submissives don't obey perfectly. Dominants expect unrealistic things. It just happens.

The key to keeping it in the realm of reality rather than fantasy is admitting that very fact. Even if i don't obey perfectly, i try to do so. THAT is what makes me a good submissive. And even if Padrone doesn't always make the right choices, He tries to do so, and that is what makes Him a good Dominant.

It is as He said, if He wanted a fantasy-based relationship, He could go online, roleplay whatever He wanted to, then turn the computer off.

But what He wants is someone like me - someone who isn't perfect, but who tries to obey when told what to do, and who tries to think of ways to offer new things based on what i know He likes and prefers. And what i want is Padrone - someone who knows what He wants out of a D/s relationship, and finds ways in the real world, to make it happen.

He doesn't think "oh i love the thought of keeping her in a cage", and make me go buy a cage to stay in when i'm home. Why not? Well, how would i get chores done that way? How would i answer the phone if He calls? How would i get online to interact with Him? How would i deal with the animals, feeding and caring for them? Not to mention what in the world would i tell my KIDS????

But He *does* love the idea of having that much power over me, and the power He expresses is in deep levels of control, and so He finds other ways to control my thoughts and behaviors that give Him the same kind of feelings of power that keeping me in a cage would give Him. Since He hasn't (to my knowledge) ever kept anyone in a cage, even the imagined power rush He would feel is a fantasy, and the reality of it may or may not be the same as the fantasy.

And me? Well, i have an idea in my mind about what i consider the perfect slave. That has caused me problems in the past because i would get terribly upset when i thought i had failed. OMG i didn't text this hour!!! OH Padrone, i am SO sorry, i won't ever do it again! i will ALWAYS watch the clock!! (yes i have made those idiotic promises. Didn't live up to them of course, but hey, i made them anyway)

What i was saying is "Padrone, i won't be my human self because she isn't good enough for You and i will somehow turn into "superslave" and be...perfect." That's not going to happen in any way or fashion. And finally, finally i accept it. i still strive to do my best to be obedient, but i realize a little bit more clearly that making a mistake, or forgetting, or doing something wrong, or even making a choice to disobey is not being "non-submissive". Submission, like Dominance, is an attitude, rather than a behavior.

Keeping that little idea in mind is what it means to live in the real world of D/s, happily, even over miles of physical separation. What i do is important of course. But it is because of my attitude of submission that i choose to obey to the best of my ability. And for Padrone, His attitude of Dominance means that He choose to control, to use the authority He has over my life, to the best of His ability.

We are so incredibly lucky to have found each other. i am blessed to belong to this wonderful man, who loves me and owns me and controls me and cherishes me and makes is far easier to submit than it would be if anyone other than Him expected it of me. He makes it easy to give Him my all, because He wants every bit of me, even the mistakes and the temper and the worrier. i am Yours, proudly and gratefully so, my wonderful Padrone.