HIS

i am truly, without any reservations, His.

i know, quite a revelation for someone who has been collared almost 4 years, isn't it?

This week we have been delving a bit deeper into humiliation, and if anyone really believes humiliation is NOT an emotional minefield, then they are either delusional or exceptionally lucky.

Personally, it was such a difficult thing that in the beginning i could barely stand even the most subtle humiliation. You see, i have a history of sexual abuse, not by one man, but by many and all throughout my childhood. So i learned to relate to men in a sexual way, but because i knew that i wasn't valued by them in any way, and eventually absolutely rejected by most of them, i learned that acting in a sexual manner would attract, but it would eventually repel those it attracted.

i realized as late as today, after talking with Padrone and pouring out my fears about a way in which i will grow, and our relationship will benefit by such growth, that the men who abused me were *all* weak. i had made them "larger than life" in my mind, mainly because i WAS a child when it all happened, and they seemed that way to me. But any repercussions regarding my actions shouldn't reflect upon me, but rather upon THEM and their treatment of me. Yes, quite a simple thought, right?

It has been a shocking revelation to me, simple or not.

i had been so scared that, by acting in a more sexual manner, i would repel Padrone like i had everyone else - ugh. Ugh! How COULD i lump Padrone in with those jerks?

But, given my emotional history.....how could i *not*?

And so, while i had always been whore, slut, ready, available, even eager to be used by everyone and anyone.....when i was collared, i became His. i never fully understood until tonight, that, while He still wants me to be whore, slut, ready, available and as eager to be used as i can be.....He wants those behaviors exhibited only for Him, even if He wants me to act that way in a channel....they will be only for Him, because *i* am only for Him.

Being whore and slut is all well and good. There is nothing wrong with that. It was my own fears that had me terrified that i would somehow suddenly become repulsive to the one who has never found me repulsive no matter what He has learned about me or how i have acted. It was based on history, past, things that will always influence us, especially me i am afraid. And yes, i am often afraid, but Padrone is so wonderfully quick to reassure me and to remind me who i am, and especially WHOSE i am.

Thank You, Padrone, for cherishing me, for treasuring me, for respecting me, even when i am doing degrading things.....and *because* i am doing them...for You, only for You, Padrone. Thank You for loving me, for owning me....i am grateful that i am learning over and over again....that i truly am, Yours.