Difficult Post to Write

More changes happening, this time in our relationship. I've been dealing with a lot of things, and have felt incredibly out of sorts without understanding why. That's not like me, especially since I did not take the time to overanalyze my own motivations and issues. I'm not sure just how this post will come out because this is part of my analyzing process.

A few months ago, Padrone eliminated punishments as a part of our relationship after some issues on my part regarding punishments. It was all my fault, and even now I don't know why I had those problems. I do know that my issues cause problems, of course, and caused Padrone to eliminate punishments altogether, and then to make me beg when I felt that I needed punishment.

I don't need to be punished often, I must say. And Padrone hates to punish me as well. He knows I am not perfect, and he has softened his .... not expectations, per se, but rather his rigid stance on punishment being required EVERY time I am even a tiny bit out of line. So this is not a major issue overall in our relationship...or one would think not at least.

I've been missing Padrone's overt control in my daily life. He has been unbelievably understanding of my busy life, and the stress I have been under in regards to my school and work and sick kids and me. I am unbelievably grateful to him, and love this man until my heart swells almost to bursting with adoration and joy simply because I am his woman. But I need to be controlled. If I didn't, I would not be submissive. I have not even realized just how much I have missed it, didn't even realize it was missing at all, until last night.

Padrone almost never gives me tasks to complete. It really isn't a part of our relationship, although it is not totally unheard of. Last night we were talking about watching porn, and I said that I had watched some and gotten horny on Sunday. I now have a new rule that I am to let him know when I am watching porn, and another new rule that I am to let him know when I get horny.

I watched porn last night, let him know, got horny, and let him know. I couldn't cum of course, but now and then I just like being horny. It's not easy for me to share it with him though. I've talked about this before, I know.

He asked about it tonight, and tasked me to find another video, watch it, and let him know the URL and if I get horny.

The overt control of new rules and being given a task made me yearn...and I didn't really realize what I was learning for. This morning I voxered to let him know that I was on the way to school, driving carefully because of the unusual snowfall, but I didn't let him know that I had arrived. Well, y'all know that he worries about me, and if Y'ALL know it, then *I* sure do! I was truly sorry that I gave him cause to worry, and I began to cry when I realized that even though I had done wrong, there would be no consequences if I didn't beg for them.

I can't handle that anymore.

I'm not at all sure of the reasoning behind it, the emotions behind it, or the D/s dynamic behind it, not really. I only know that I really do need as much overt control as Padrone is willing or able to provide for me. Including punishments. I asked Padrone to resume punishing me, and he agreed pending two criteria being met. I had to beg for it formally, which made me cry again. And I may not say anything negative about his punishment or his decision to punish.

I need it. I dislike being punished. I probably get a bit of an attitude about it, mostly because of my own dealing with myself. I also hate when there is no leeway but as I said, we have talked about that and I think I am in a better mindset now about it than I was. I hope I am, but even if I am not I will behave better regarding punishments.

And this post itself is also a task. Padrone rarely requires me to type anything specific, especially here in my blog. But I truly had to work through a lot of unexpected, and unexpectedly surfacing, emotions. I don't often do that while typing here, but ... Padrone knows me well.

Padrone, it is the control, the accountability, and the shifting of responsibility back to you that I need so powerfully. I crave the feeling of being held safely rather than....independent. I feel as if my emotions are running wild, and all over the place, and they are indefinable. I feel as if they represent my life right now, which is why I need, crave, yearn for the overt control to be more present - to help me focus on what is most important and ask for help with prioritizing or making decisions that are becoming more and more difficult as time passes.

I am crying even as I type this. It is one of the most difficult posts I have ever written. I have no idea if it makes sense, or if it addresses what it was supposed to address. All I know is that I feel a massive sense of relief and gratitude, and mushiness, as if a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, more than my words can say, for resuming the punishing of your slave when she needs it. Grazie, grazie, il Padrone mio.

A Few Reflections

So much to say, not all of it what I'd like to be saying.

I did not pass my comps, so I did not graduate in December as planned. I have a 4.0 gpa and did not pass my comps, which is a cumulative presentation of what I have done in the Masters program, presented in such a way as to show our mastery of the Standards for Sped teachers as set forth by the Council for Exceptional Children. For some Standards, apparently I did not have enough "artifacts" as proof of my mastery. I'm really quite angry about this, because I honestly feel that the real reason I did not pass is because I "had words" with one of the professors. I knew then that I would not pass, although nobody believed me and thought I was fishing for compliments or something every time I mentioned the possibility of not passing. So yes, I am quite frustrated about that. I do have the option of redoing the work on it, and I can graduate in May if they deign to pass me this time. We'll see.

My son called a few minutes ago and he has the flu. I am glad that I don't have to go back to work until tomorrow because I can go and "mommy" him today. (or at least get him some medicine and chicken soup!) I'm glad I've already had my flu vaccine though, or I would stay far, far away from him for sure! He gave me swine flu a few years ago, the brat. I am going to insist that he starts to get the flu vaccine himself every year - lol. (Domme Mommy strikes again!)

Since I've been off, Padrone has been quite Domly and it's been nice overall. I do admit that having my ass stuffed while we talk, and before I've had my coffee, is not a very pleasant feeling, but I'm so grateful that he needs for me to feel his control as deeply as I need to feel it. This holiday break was much needed on a lot of levels.

You know, so many people say that teachers have too many days off...that we do little but play and babysit...that we are overpaid and underworked...that we should never say anything negative about our profession because we have summers off. Well, I just realized why teaching is such a tough profession, and it has nothing to do with the kids or the parents or fellow staff or administrators. The reason teaching is so tough is because we are totally, 100% responsible for the children in our classrooms, 100% of the time. We have a planning period, yes, but even that is typically spent in focusing on the children - what to teach, how to maximize learning and minimize difficulties, how to teach, how to reach every student we are responsible for teaching, etc. That heavy weight of responsibility, with no break at all, is why teachers need breaks.

I mean, we don't have one or two children to be responsible for. We have many. We must be accountable for their behavior, their education, their emotional and physical well being. I can't tell you how often I have slipped a kid a dollar that I "found" so they could buy a snack at break because they had no breakfast. I can't tell you the number of times I have hugged and offered tissues to a child who came to school crying from issues at home. I can't tell you the work that I have put into lifting some of the burden for these kids who are often raising themselves because parents are not around for whatever reason.

When my "bad kid" called his mother to ask her to bring a gift for him to exchange at Christmas, and she yelled at him so loudly that I could hear it simply because he had woken her up ... I understood a lot more about his attitude of "I don't care what anyone does to me". His ruling of Opposition Defiant Disorder made perfect sense to me then. And yes, I did come up with a "gift" that he could use to participate in the gift exchange.

These are huge burdens for a teacher to bear for any length of time without a break. We must recharge our batteries, and yes it did take two full weeks for me to do so. I think about how to improve my performance and how to improve my students' education often without even realizing that I am thinking of it. Often my conversations in the evenings with Padrone are filled with not only what happened during the day but also thoughts for improving and changes and ideas and...well, I know that part of it is due to my personality and is not likely to change. But part of it is simply that I can't turn off because I feel the responsibility to teach these students and help them improve their skills dramatically. I'm going back to simple now though - improving reading is far more valuable than other things, no matter what.

So, some changes coming, not the least of it within me. The break has done me a world of good, and I am ready to go back to school a good attitude and eager to see how my kids fared over their own break!

Padrone, I am so grateful that you have shown me such a deep level of control over my break. I needed to feel that containment and the framework again in such a strong and real way. You control me all the time, but when it is so pronounced it becomes almost a living thing between us - intimate and pulsing, strong and driving. I will make a promise to you that I will do all I can to stop bringing so much of my work home with me (mentally if not physically), and focus more and more on you even during my work week. Thank you for the opportunity for affirming whose I am, and who I am, Padrone. You are so good to your slave, and she is forever grateful to you. Io sono la Sua devota schiava, Padrone. Bacio.