Saturday, December 15, 2012
I have been thinking lately about relationships in general. Here in blogland, several blogs that I read have said that they have either dropped their D/s arrangement, or that the D/s element is no longer a part of their relationship at all. I am not sure why I wonder about things like that, but I find even the prospect of that happening incomprehensible.
I find myself thinking about relationships I've known in the past, from my own personal experience or through watching others. One of the most beautiful and remarkable examples of a D/s relationship was my grandparents' relationship. My grandmother was the most submissive woman I have ever met. Never did I ever hear my grandparents openly disagree, although of course there were always "that's just a man" types of jokes. As a matter of fact, I find myself having to restrain myself from making those types of jokes now!
My grandfather was not overtly Dominant, by any means. There was never any doubt who was in charge in the relationship. As a matter of fact, he was respectful of her and her role in their marriage, as far as I knew. He had some disturbing sexual proclivities, as I found to my detriment, but not once did they do or say anything inappropriate to each other in front of me.
My grandmother cooked, cleaned, raised the kids (and grandkids for the most part). She also worked when my grandfather was laid off from his job. He worked out of town and would drive 2 hours early Monday morning, rented an apartment with other men, and they drove home on Friday night. He had a heart attack in his mid 60's, a stroke a few years later, and lost first one leg, then the other to amputation before developing asbestosis and passing away from lung cancer years later. Through all of it, she nursed him and did the best she possibly could through more physical and emotional burdens than any of us may ever understand. There were several years when she dealt with him solely by herself since all 5 of her children lived several states away.
She had her moments when it was even more of a burden than she could possibly handle, of course. She was no saint, nor was he by any means. But he showed her a quiet appreciation for the things she did, and she would do what she was expected to do, but also that she enjoyed doing, for him and for almost everyone around her.
They did not call their relationship D/s by any means. I somehow doubt that she was spanked if she didn't speak in a specific tone of voice, or if she needed time to deal with an emotional argument or a disagreement that she found very emotional. There would have been no "rules" or "punishments" in place, but yes, by the time I realized what I was seeing, they had definite expectations of each other in place and they each tried to please the other.
That, to me, is the definition of D/s.
They would never have defined their relationship as D/s.
A male-Dominant, female submissive marriage is indeed D/s, is it not? You know, we so often get wrapped up with labels and roles and how things are "supposed" to be that we lose who we are in the process. Even if someone makes a choice to be submissive and doesn't feel that they are naturally submissive will likely develop submissive habits as time passes. Habits of defiance and covert rebellion can also develop without care and caution, as well.
I honestly believe that the reason we have had to define so strongly the roles in relationships such as ours, and explore reasons why we identify as we do, and all the analysis that comes with being powerful in jobs yet submissive in relationships stems from the feminist movement. So many of us feel so pressured to do it all, and to have certain expectations of the men in our lives, that we have lost sight of the fact that MANY women are submissive to men simply because they WANT to be. We love for a man to be in charge, to have both authority and responsibility. We enjoy making our man happy and pleasing him in big ways and small. And there are many men who love to feel powerful and responsible and in control. And you know... that is exactly what my grandparents had and the marriage they lived.
Without struggling for identity. Without resentment. Without pettiness or overanalysis. It just was what it was, because that is how THEY were.
And that is what I have finally found with Padrone. Padrone, I am forever grateful for the freedom you have given me to be myself, to learn to please and serve you and make you as happy as you make me. You are incredible, and I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be yours. I love you, my Padrone, more than life itself.
I am, indeed, your forever slave.
Saturday, December 08, 2012
So I've been doing a little thinking lately. Just a little because I've been uber busy, as usual, but the thoughts have still been running around in my brain.
I'm so enjoying my job this year, even with all the little stresses and big stresses that are part of every job. These kids are absolutely wonderful - so loving and loyal and trusting that I have their best interests at heart even after only a few months of being my student. The problem children are becoming less of problems, whether it is because my own tolerance has raised or whether their behavior is actually improving...no, their behavior is definitely improving. They are getting in less trouble overall, by everyone they are around. I do think that I am less harsh with them in general, and I give physical reinforcement like a pat on the back or a "side hug" if they do well. Oh man, just the pride I see start to be revealed in their eyes, their demeanor, their work effort, is so rewarding. Now, I admit, the bad days can make me want to pinch their heads off, but hey, we can't have it all can we?
I enjoy my fellow teachers, but of course there is always one...there is an administrator that is extremely difficult to deal with and I am not fond of her ways at all.But there are a couple of other teachers with whom I have developed a good relationship, and to whom I can vent - mostly our Sped case manager who I call my angel. I promise I could not have made it this far without her!
I'll find out about whether or not I have passed and will graduate, next week. If not, I'll have to redo some work and will graduate in May. Either way I'll have my AA license when I start a new school year next August, which means a raise (yay!). I still have a half an assignment to finish and two quizzes to finish, and I'll do it tonight or tomorrow or both. Not motivated tonight though, I admit. Maybe I'll read for pleasure since I just got a bunch of books today!
And what I have been thinking about is directly related to my job teaching impressionable young people who have disabilities. See, my kids have real issues in dealing with others because they have been teased and mocked for so long that they are automatically defensive no matter what is said or in what attitude it is meant. It took a lot to overcome their natural barriers, and of course there are some who still have a lot of walls up.
But so many of the things which I have learned by being Padrone's, I am using to teach my kids. It started even without my knowledge, actually. But these kids need to learn impulse control, focus, to think before they act or speak, to accept consequences, and yet to gain or maintain a level of pride and self confidence that they may have never felt before.
One of the hardest lessons for me as a person to learn...or even to understand (remember our language differences? I just didn't understand this idea the way Padrone worded it, and I was sooooooo upset in the beginning!)... is the idea that our feelings are not what others see, rather it is our behaviors that are seen and judged. I tell my kids "How you *feel* is not what gets you into trouble. How you *act* CAN get you into trouble." I've used negative situations, and immediately reiterated that thought, and they seem to be getting it. As I said, their behavior seems to be improving overall.
I also have used Padrone's lessons of patience, humor, and optimism in very real ways in my classroom. We laugh a lot in my class, and they laugh at me but not maliciously, and I laugh at them as well, but not maliciously. I'm trying to help them gain a real perspective about themselves and others, and to learn to choose their battles. They really are getting quite calm and accepting of themselves and each other, and it is so nice to see!
I do admit that my discipline ladder in my room is a bit different from Padrone's discipline with me, even earlier in our relationship. I have a warning system in place, allowing them to get out of their desks and write their names in a notebook (not on the board, the goal is not to embarrass, although it took a few months for me to realize it)...they think about what they did, and either get angrier or more upset, or they grin sheepishly and improve their behavior. But they get 3 chances before there are consequences, and of course me being me, I fuss a bit between the chances so they really have more than that. But I have been teaching them things that I have learned as a submissive woman.
The most recent, and the most relevant, was when one of my students was intent on provoking every other student in the classroom by being ugly. There were two who have come a LONG way in terms of their behavior, but who have a ruling of Emotional Disturbance which of course means that outbursts are not unexpected. They EACH controlled their behavior, as difficult as it was for them, and I was immensely proud of those guys! I took a few minutes to speak with each one individually and expressed to each of them the unique (to them) idea that when we allow another person to "make us mad", we've let them control our behavior. And this provocative student would pounce on that and keep the control by doing what he knows will evoke that negative response from these students. I stressed the idea that because they *didn't* react any more than letting him know they were upset by their facial expressions, that they maintained the control over themselves, and that is a very, very good feeling! One of my kids told me that he had never thought of it that way and he gave me a hug and said "Thank you for helping me!"
Yes, my heart melted.
These kids have had to grow up so fast, far more quickly than anyone could ever imagine. They are 10-11 years old and they just don't have that innocence, that joy, that should be the major part of childhood. They talk about relatives, especially male figures in their lives, getting out of prison or being in gangs. One kid goes to parties with his dad's family - the type of party where drugs, alcohol and sex are just part of the scenery. This kid knows more about gangs than I knew even existed. He told me yesterday about a teenager he knows who is pregnant, and this 11 year old boy said, "I don't think it's my baby." I mean, even if he was saying it for the shock value, the idea that an 11 year old would even THINK that is what is shocking to me. Yes, I'm naive and have an innocent view of the world, but it is simply SAD to me to know what these kids deal with on a daily basis. It breaks my heart.
On the other hand, I love to bring that joy to them. I'm silly and they laugh when I do things like put the flashing Rudolph nose on my face and act as if I have no idea what they're laughing at. They don't believe in Santa, but I bring Santa into their lives. I try to allow them to feel as if miracles can happen. I try to help them to believe in something within themselves, to just....understand just how special they are, and how much they have to offer even if their IQs aren't high or their learning disabilities create immense academic obstacles for them.
This post did not go where I planned, but I had so many emotions that I cannot express anywhere else, about my kids and my job. Padrone knows all of this, of course, but it's really good to put it all in one place and just...let it all out. It all started when I began to think about how much of Padrone's lessons I have been using in my classroom and with my students individually.
Padrone, I've told you just how much you have changed my life, changed me as a woman, through all the things you have taught me. But when I realized just how many of the things I've been teaching my students, I knew I was supposed to try to write here and let you know that your lessons, wherever you learned them yourself, are having an effect on more people than you probably ever realized they would. I see them, Padrone, I see the students using these things in a positive way - gradually, slowly, but yes surely - changing lives. We are both changing these students' lives, my Padrone, just as surely as if you were standing in the classroom with me. And words can never express the gratitude for the tools you equipped me with in order to enable me to successfully manage my classroom, and more importantly, reach my students. Thank you, my Padrone, and I hope you can understand just how much of an effect you are having on these kids, and on ever kid I teach for the rest of my career. You are indeed a wise and wonderful man, so worthy of my abject adoration. I am yours.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Well, finally I'm off for the week of Thanksgiving! It's been a long time coming, it seems. I'm glad for it - it was very much needed.
I've got a lot of thinking to do about something Padrone said last night. I've been reading for pleasure though, and letting thoughts work in the background of my mind, and I'll take them out and consider them when they force the issue, or when I finish my portfolio, whichever comes first. We'll see.
And I'm also cooking Thanksgiving dinner, as usual. Both the kids will be home, as will daughter's boyfriend and maybe another young man who is from Miami and has no family locally. Daughter asked if she could invite him, and I said yes as long as he wears a shirt (he likes tank tops, a lot) - lol.
She also wants us to get matching tattoos in white ink. She suggested hers to be "I love you" in my handwriting, and mine "I love you" in her handwriting. I love the idea, but I haven't even mentioned it to Padrone yet - I guess I have now, haven't I? :D I'm sure we'll talk about it, it's not a huge deal if it never happens, but I am absolutely warmed to the core of my being by her desire for that kind of permanent link with her mom. I really did raise a special little girl, I think.
I'm about to go to finish my book. I can't wait to see how Clark and Ding and the bunch keep Shiva from being spread worldwide!
Padrone, thank you for the book, for letting me sleep late this weekend, for the tightening of the reins a bit, for loving your slave as wonderfully and beautifully as you do. I am forever yours, my love.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Just merrily floating along in "lala land" here, believe it or not. Today is a much needed "do nothing" day here in all honesty. I'm sure there are things I could be doing, but for once there is nothing that I *should* be doing rather than what I am doing, which is...well...nothing!
It's been a wild and interesting few months, that's for sure. I passed my latest Praxis II with a score of 198/200. That feels good, y'all, especially since I found out on a day when I was feeling stressed and unsure of my abilities. Not my intelligence, but rather my....I don't know how to explain it, why it seems easier for others than for me to be successful in the professional world. It's not, and the easy answer is because I analyze every little thing and wonder and overthink, which can drive me crazy. That's probably all it is, and I see others as more able to let things roll off their backs than I am, and the internalizing is difficult to stop doing. I'm definitely trying, and I believe I am showing a lot of improvement, so hopefully with experience I'll get better and better at doing that.
I'm still taking antibiotics for a kidney infection which seems to like me for some reason. I had an allergic reaction to one antibiotic the other day and ended up in the ER getting shots. I'm fine now, though.
I've been trying to show my submission, and my awareness of Padrone's control, more. It's hard some days because of how busy I am, but I am making a conscious effort to do so, and I think I am doing better anyway. I sure hope so!
In a month and 4 days, IF I get all of my work done satisfactorily that is. I still haven't heard whether or not I have passed my comps, and if I didn't, I'll have to do an oral defense of them. I sure hope they give me plenty of time to prepare if I have to do that! But other than making a poor grade on my first attempted comps (which kind of makes me mad because we were told to turn it in, then she'd offer suggestions for improvements, so we were basically graded on rough drafts), I've done pretty well. There are still several assignments ungraded though, so who knows? But as long as I make a C in the course, AND pass my comps, I'll be graduating on December 14. Seems a long way away.
But this weekend I have a guilt-free weekend. I do have work I could be doing, for school - that's a given. I have a portfolio due in a couple of weeks and several quizzes for another class that I could be doing, but I've been behind for so long that being caught up feels like being ahead of the game. I'm not complaining for sure.
It's been so much fun being Padrone's through all of this too, of course. He's not only supportive, but appreciative of my efforts to be more expressive in my submission. He lets me know so often, and that fuels my efforts even more as expected. But it isn't posed or fake - it is just who we are.
Padrone, Thank you for letting me sleep late this morning, and for being as wonderful as you are about my day off today. Your use last weekend was amazing, the scenes since then have been powerful and intense, and you, my Padrone, are the perfect Master for this slave. Thank you, for being such a genuinely good man, and such a balanced and loving Padrone. I am grateful for you, for being yours, and for knowing that I make you happy.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Where to start? So much has been going on the past few weeks! But today was one of the best times I have experienced in a long, long time.
More about that in a bit.
I made a stupid mistake in my school and really put myself in a bind trying to recover from the lost time it cost to redo the assignment. It was a very important, and very large, assignment, so it was an extremely stressful situation. So I've been behind and playing catchup but I'm finally just about there. :)
Add to that the fact that I was sick for about 2 weeks as well, and that didn't help matters at all.
Work is good though. There is always change and circumstances that are challenging but overall it is quite a good year. There is more change coming as well (isn't there always?) which will mean more adjustments but it is my hope and my belief that the coming changes will all be good.
So there has been a lot of stress and changing and unfortunately even more need for understanding from Padrone than ever before. And he has, of course, been absolutely wonderful. Honestly, I don't know of a time when he hasn't been wonderful (overall). Of course there are the ups and downs of daily life and a rare grumpy mood or even his legendary patience wearing thin now and then but overall he is simply a good man who wants nothing more than to have a woman in his life who adores him and wants to make him happy. We call it M/s, and of course there is all the trappings of M/s involved in our relationship such as control, surrender, obedience, power, BDSM, etc. But the bottom line is that he needs and wants to be adored and pleased, and when he is pleased and happy then he does all he needs to in order to make his woman happy. It is, as has been discussed here and in other places, a wonderfully mutual relationship.
But I have unfortunately been on "cruise control" in terms of my submission. Oh, I do what I am supposed to do, most of the time. And I feel the submission because it is such an inherent part of my life. But I have not let Padrone know just how much I feel it, or how controlled I feel simply because the dynamics of our relationship keep him in the forefront of my life almost always. I simply do not communicate that well.
In our relationship it is VITAL that we communicate more than simply "how was your day?" "It was good, thanks, and yours?". And we do, but maybe not about the most important things. It can be so easy to assume that our partner understands our thoughts and emotions, when we have been together as long as we have. At times, however, things must be reiterated, reinforced, reaffirmed. I learned that again today, in a wonderfully intimate way.
Use, scening, however you word it, is such an intense, intimate time. Yes, even for us who are long distance only. As I was still burning, suffering, but coming back to my senses, we talked. I asked Padrone about his feelings regarding more emotional, romantic sexual interactions. That sparked a discussion that has reverberated in my mind ever since then. See, Padrone needs control. He needs to feel it, not simply know he has it. And lately - well for quite some time now actually - I have been neglecting that part of my responsibility in this relationship. I have been merrily going along, all content in my own little world and assuming that Padrone was just as content (and he is, don't get me wrong) and forgetting that the vast majority of our relationship is based on actually communicating our feelings. I forget that there are some feelings that are extremely important to communicate, and that it can be done without constantly being "mushy" or "discussing feelings".
So I am going to do my very best to not only do what I am supposed to do, but also to let Padrone know just exactly how much I feel his control in my life, and try to do whatever I can to help him to feel it as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that but Padrone knows that I am thinking about it, and that I am very committed to stepping up in this matter.
Padrone, I do indeed adore you, and I am your devoted slave who wishes for your happiness and pleasure with all I am. Belonging to you as your slave, being loved by you as your woman, being cherished as your fiore - I can think of nothing more fulfilling and more beautiful to me than that. What I hope is that I can find ways to become more and more pleasing to you. Thank you, my Owner, for being patient and loving and understanding even while you would have enjoyed more from me. I am yours, my Padrone, wonderfully and totally yours.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
So my comprehensive exams are finally turned in, at least for the time being. If my adviser thinks I need to edit, then I'll have more work to do before next Monday. And then they get reviewed by a whole dad-gum committee and if they aren't good enough I'll have to do an oral defense of them. So it's a waiting game.
Other than that, I have a portfolio to do and some pretty intense assignments due each week.
BUT, Padrone used me last night and I melted into a messy, dripping puddle of mushy, adoring submission. *sigh*
Anyway, I am still alive and kicking, loving my school year (even if it is stressful and constantly changing). I never imagined that I would come to love these kids as I do after only a couple of weeks, but I find myself looking beyond the "readin', writin' and 'rithmetic" in ways I never imagined when I started this job. I also find myself enjoying 5th grade far more than I dreamed. So, this year has been a nice surprise in a lot of ways.
And I'll survive this semester, I promise! AND I'll stop whining, too!
Padrone, I adore you, my Eagle. Grazie, il Padrone mio.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I've got a couple of thoughts running through my brain that are actually about D/s for once!
First, I was thinking of how proud Padrone is of me in almost every area of his life. I thought of how he is in the background often, not in my heart and mind but ... it's a bit hard to explain to those on the outside who think of us as having an LDR only. But I feel as if I am the one to shine, and he is the one who has the joy of owning the jewel that shines so brightly. But it feels a bit awkward to me at times, because *I* would much prefer that *HE* is the one to shine.
But he is so content to watch me grow and mature and become the best I can be. He is so happy when I do some small things like take care of myself. He loves to hear that I am walking or going shopping or getting my hair done. He says that I will be getting used to things I have never had before - a decent car, a good job, even good shoes. Yes, that is almost verbatim something that he said to me not too awfully long ago, and it really impacted me strongly. I realized that I have compromised on everything, my entire life, to such an extent that I almost always talk myself out of doing things for myself. I go WAY too long between haircuts, have never had my hair professionally colored and only had my nails done professionally once in my life. My shoes are functional but not what one might consider nice. And my car is a decent car, but....it's 12 years old. The muffler fell down and started dragging yesterday, so that's another repair. It's so many little things, and while I don't have a car payment, it sometimes seems as if I spend more in repairs than a payment would be (although it's not true of course).
But the point is that Padrone does want me to shine. He wants me to become used to nicer things. He wants me to have nice clothes, shoes, car. He wants me to look good and to feel good about myself. I am so blessed to have such a man to love me, to guide me, to teach me. And what amazes me, moves me to tears even this moment, is that he is absolutely content to be in the background while I learn to shine, to soar like an eagle while he keeps his feet firmly on the ground holding the tether that keeps me from soaring too far.
He is my hero. I have said it before, and I will say it again I am sure, but there is no disputing that fact. This man who accepts me totally, just as I am, but also sees so much potential in me....how can I ever express the emotions that overwhelm me? He is the one who should shine. He is the one who should have the spotlight, with me simply serving and encouraging him. He is the one who should be soaring, with me following along.
I am so blessed to have this man in my life.
And last night proved again just why that is so. Last night he talked about using me, and lately he has been talking about it more than usual. So I commented about that, simply because it has been a long time and...well I was resisting for some reason. I was surprised since it *has* been so long, and I usually don't feel that way actually. But I was mentally thinking "whatever" when Padrone said something to the effect that being used is good for me. So we talked about it and Padrone realized that I was just out of the habit of being used, and he took responsibility for it totally upon himself. Well, I can't use myself for sure but the reality is that I too should have taken responsibility for asking for it, making sure his needs are being met since that *is* my responsibility!
But I've been thinking about it. I wonder if my age, or my medicine, or lack of time has been diminishing my need for use. But I need *him* more than ever. I absolutely adore this man, but such a major part of our relationship is not expressed without the use. We can express our D/s in other ways, but honestly the intimacy that we both crave from each other is expressed most strongly through use, physical and emotional use that causes suffering and expresses the dynamic at its very core. There is nothing then, nothing except control and submission. There is only power, pulsing, throbbing, flowing almost as a living entity that strips us both bare of all except our most base needs - to control and to be controlled.
That is why we do what we do. It is who we are. It is what we need. And yes, it is good for me to be used. However, I still resist now. I think my hormones, my medicine, and my cold all contribute to it. I would prefer not to go to work sore. Right now I can think of negatives, rather than the intimacy that calls to me with its Siren's song. So yes, I know it is good for me. It keeps the resistance, the negativity, at bay.
Padrone, the best I can do today is to say that I am willing to be used. I am not eager for it, and I am disappointed in myself for that fact. I will probably be laughing at myself after the first use, but I guess it is human nature to resist what is no longer a habit. I'm laughing right now, through my tears, as I compare being used with walking. Well, I am overcoming my resistance to walking by just doing it, as I have typed here before. So maybe I am asking for help in overcoming resistance to being used, Padrone. Of course you would "help" even if I didn't ask for it, by using your slave as you wish. Thank you, for being the thoughtful, loving Padrone you are. Thank you for doing what is best for me, for you, and for us. I am more than blessed to belong to you, my Padrone. Thank you.
Monday, September 03, 2012
I asked Padrone a question tonight that was said in a lighthearted tone but which has become more and more serious the more I thought about it. I asked him "What would I do without you?"
You know, Padrone and I have never met face to face. But that doesn't seem to matter much for us. I need him far more than I ever imagined I would when we began this beautiful journey. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true nonetheless.
And as I mentioned to him when he was talking about using me and how he is looking forward to using me again, for me it is the little things that mean far more than the major times of use. Those are absolutely wonderful and equally necessary for our relationship's health of course, but frankly...it is during the times when I slip in my duties and he, in his simple, direct way points me back on the right path, that mean far more to me than anything else.
Recently I've had issues with one particular student with emotional disorder, and of course Isaac was a factor for me as well. So I hadn't been in touch as I am supposed to be, like emailing daily. It felt so good to hear, "Since ChildX is no longer a factor, and Isaac is gone, you will resume your daily emails." I know it's crazy, but just hearing, feeling that short leash, is such a major comfort to me.
And I use him shamelessly to help me solve all sorts of problems. I tend to get so caught up in the details that I usually can't see the big picture. He, of course, CAN. That gives him a far better perspective than I will ever have, and I ask his advice very often. Tonight I asked for help with what turned out to be an embarrassingly simple problem (once I knew the solution, that is), and that's when I asked what I would ever do without him.
But it's true. The question is rhetorical of course, but when I think of how my life would be without him, the gratitude that seems to be a major hallmark of my emotional life simply overflows like a fountain.
I have never been as supported, as encouraged, or as accepted by anyone as I am by Padrone. He wants me to be happy, plain and simple. I have never had anyone in my life who felt that way about me. Never has my happiness made another person happy, without some ulterior motive involved.
What would I do without Padrone? I cannot even fathom it.
Padrone, I am grateful that I won't have to find out the answer to that question anytime soon. I am forever yours. Forever, gratefully, totally yours. Words fail me now...except to say thank you, for the small things, for the big things...for simply being you.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Well, school (school/school, not work/school) begins once more on Monday. Technically the semester began this week, but the one class that I am taking that will meet on a regular basis begins on Monday. So, the madness soon begins again!
And yes, this will be an incredibly busy semester, with written comps, requirements for two courses, a comprehensive portfolio, AND a 10 page philosophy of education specifically pertaining to teaching students with mild/moderate disabilities all due before November 26. Well, one of the courses may have things due after that date, I don't remember, but by that time I will feel as if I am coasting so I'll either procrastinate dramatically or breeze through the remaining assignments.
Work/school has been interesting and quite challenging on a lot of levels this year so far. I'm learning a LOT, and trying very hard to work on my own discipline issues to try to create a more disciplined environment for my students. It's a challenge, because I am more spontaneous than structured when it comes to my teaching techniques, but I *have* to add structure and learn to be spontaneous within that structure. It boils down to planning, and I admit that is my biggest weakness with this class, ONLY because of the extremes in abilities of my students and the multitude of individual goals that I *have* to teach because of what is written in their IEP. I hope that when my turn comes to write the IEPs for these students that I can write some that are more generalized but allow for specificity for each student's needs. That will make planning *what* to teach far less complicated, even if the *how* to teach it may still be challenging.
Padrone has been dealing with yet another extreme heat wave. The heat, along with other issues going on where he lives, has made his summer "interesting" as he says. Yet he still finds time to spoil his slave with his attentiveness and his guidance ... keeping me on course, helping me to keep my priorities straight, especially after a difficult day at work when he discreetly changes subjects from them to other aspects of our lives. He reminds me to take my medicine. He reminds me to take care of myself. He has me wear the rope to keep my mindset where it should be. He listens and offers suggestions with my kids because it helps me so much to hear another perspective, especially one that is supremely objective. He shares what is going on in his life. He offers funny and the upsetting. He is the most sane and stable thing in my life, and I am more than blessed to have him in my life.
In other news, I am keeping a very keen eye on the Tropical Storm heading into the Gulf in the next few days. We're in "the cone" but as of right now it seems to be headed east of us - or the eye at least. We'll likely still get wind and rain because it's a pretty darn big storm! And what has a few people a bit unsettled is that it is predicted to affect us on the anniversary of Katrina, which affected us severely. So there is a sense of unease about this storm, because even Katrina wasn't supposed to hit us until the last couple of days before landfall. So yes, I have an eye on the tropics right now!
I'll recount a couple of truly hilarious things that have happened in my classroom within the last week. First, I was playing some music in the background while they worked on their "avatars" for the reading incentive bulletin board (monkeys they colored with markers - for each book they read and pass the Accelerated Reader test for, they will get a banana, which creates a very visual record of progress for the visual learners), and they were truly enjoying it. As each of them finished their monkeys, I let them get up and dance if they wished. Soon we were *all* dancing! Here is the song that was playing at the moment in time when the principal walked in with the internet techie guy, and saw the entire classroom dancing and ACTING like the monkeys were had just DECORATED!!!:::
I let them finish dancing, then move on to coloring bananas. I told the principal that he caught us having fun! He said "It's all good!" and I truly think he was a bit taken aback, but happy to see the kids enjoying themselves and not just stuck in their desks doing worksheets or listening to me drone on about synonyms or plant cells!
So, it was a couple of days later when he came to my classroom to do an observation of me. I was actually *teaching* that time, reading aloud from the reader to the class and stopping to ask questions to ensure comprehension. Then I reviewed what it means to summarize (my example was that when they were asked "how was school?" when they got home, they didn't tell every single word that was spoken or what they did in the bathroom...the "summarized" their day....the kids seemed to get it using that analogy), and I asked for volunteers to summarize the story we had just read. So a few of them summarized, and we talked about how they chose what to say to summarize the plot of the story, and that led into a discussion of the main idea. (I know it's backwards to some people, but it made sense to me to start from the general and move to the specific, especially since so many of my students have language impairments). Anyway, I have a leader of the day, and the leader is the one who passes papers out, etc...and when I was ready to pass a worksheet out, I called on the leader who got up to pass them out and...lo and behold the kid had taken his SHOES OFF!!!! And another kid had too!!!! And they have NEVER taken their shoes off in class, so what on EARTH possessed them to do so when the principal was in there, I have no clue!!! I was truly mortified, and yet the only comment he made in his email was to make sure that I continue procedures in the classroom - lol. It was funny, once I got home!
And the last story is about a "living plant cell" the kids created. That day there were several absences, and so it was easier to do something like this without leaving kids out. I needed 7 volunteers, and one girl didn't feel well and one boy had acted out and was not allowed to participate, so I had my 7 automatically. One was the "brain" of the cell (nucleus). One was the "green stuff" (chlorophyll), one held the green stuff (chloroplast), one was the energy (mitochondrian), one was the big empty space that filled up with food and water and waste (vacuole), one was the cell membrane that kept all the parts of the cell inside, and one was the "tough guy" (cell wall). Oh lordy I laughed until I cried at those kids acting that out! I wish I could have recorded it, it was truly hilarious, and yet they learned the actions of the cell parts, if not the names. I'll have to figure out something else to do for the names. Any ideas?
So you got a glimpse of my classroom...the good and the bad, but not the ugly. I haven't mentioned the power struggles, the rebellion, the thrown backpacks due to not getting their way, the fact that one student is already in ISS, three have already been paddled (one has been paddled twice), and the "almost fights" that i break up before someone gets hurt, and the fact that I have been told to handle all of this in the classroom and not write up students for the first nine weeks of school because the grade level principal doesn't have time to deal with them and it won't do any good to write them up. I haven't talked about the emotionally disturbed students who don't consistently take their medication because the parents aren't usually awake to make sure they take it and 10 year old boys won't always remember to take medication on their own. I haven't mentioned the student who burst into tears when I added extra homework because the class can't walk from one place to another in a straight line without talking, because he has nobody at home to help him with homework because his mother refuses to since "she ain't the one in school". It is because of those students, with those issues, that I try to create an environment for my students that allows them to feel safe and accepted, even if their behavior isn't always accepted.
And the first lesson Padrone ever taught me, that changed my own life forever, is one that I daily reinforce to my students in one way or another:
How you feel doesn't get you into trouble. How you ACT does.
If I can teach these students anything at all this year, I hope it is that self control is extremely valuable and will benefit them in every area of their life. I do not expect them to go from acting solely on impulse and emotions, to perfect self control in the matter of a few months - that would be crazy. But if I can plant that particular seed, and water it and feed it, then maybe I can also see it take root and grow just a bit in their hearts and minds and behavior.
I've rambled, I know, and yet I won't apologize for it this time. I am extremely passionate about teaching, and it is bound to show in my blog as it does in every other area of my life. I truly need to figure out how to organize my thoughts and my planning and my physical area, as well as my own schedule and time while at school (planning will help tremendously with that), and I have reached out to experienced teachers for advice as well as teaching blogs and pinterest. It will take a year or two but I will improve and my classes won't suffer for my inexperience as this one may be doing!
Padrone, I have been thinking today how fortunate I am to work in a profession that I love, even on days when I am stressed and feel totally inadequate to the task. And, whether or not you believe this, I would still only be dreaming of teaching, filled with regrets and "what ifs", and living a life of bitterness and sourness if you had not come into my life and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I cannot even begin to imagine life without you, and I feel literally ill when I think of how I would be had I never met you. I am a different (better) person inside, following a totally different path, than I would have ever even had the courage to do, because of you. Words can never say how much you mean to me, Padrone, no matter how hard I try. Thank you, from the bottom of my loving, enslaved heart.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
I guess since Padrone has typed his last blog post, it's my turn again. Oh well, it *was* nice while it lasted! (I truly don't mind typing here, but a break was nice, especially since the blog kept going)
I've started working again, as planned. I'm teaching 5th grade self contained students, and it's a challenge of course. I go to work every day feeling unprepared and as if I am playing catch up constantly. I can't stand that feeling, and I'm trying hard to get mentally organized. There may be changes coming soon, as well, which may help but also may just confuse the issue totally. We'll see.
My last class for my Masters degree starts this week as well. I already have the syllabus and assignments required, as well as my comprehensive exam questions, and I've begun to think about the answers to them. They are very comprehensive (well, duh), and will require a lot of thought and pulling together information in order to answer the questions. Then I have to plan units and individual lessons within the units, videotape myself teaching those lessons, and write a 10 page philosophy of educating students with mild to moderate disabilities. Plus I'm taking another course as well, but *that* course should help me with some of the specific students I have in my class this year so that will be good.
Padrone's life remains "interesting". They are also in the midst of a severe heat wave, and air conditioning is not as common in homes there as it is here. At least not central units. So they are suffering but managing so far. Yes, I do worry but don't tell him that. ssssssshhhhhhhh!
I have also had mammogram and pap smear, as well as a complete blood count. I'll go back in September for a look at some suspicious spots on my arms, and in 3 months for a repeat breast ultrasound. There was a very small spot found, which the radiologist thinks is a cyst with echos (complex cyst, not typically dangerous at all) in my right breast. So I go back in November for a repeat ultrasound, and the doctor said probably 6 months after that one, just to monitor any changes that may happen. I'm also on a strict diet due to both the effects that long term stress has had on my body, and the fact that my overall cholesterol raised 39 points in 4 months. I can't exercise yet due to the heat *here*, but I'm losing a bit of weight anyway, and I feel better with a better overall diet.
So I've had a little bit going on as well, but nothing like Padrone so far. December 14 is my graduation, and yes I plan to walk across the stage wearing my cap and gown, just as if I were a 20-something! It will be a fabulous culmination of a lot of hard work and effort on my part, and a lot MORE understanding and listening and comforting on Padrone's part for sure! And it is viewable online, so Padrone can watch, which is highly appropriate and wonderful, and I am extremely grateful that the technology exists for that to happen.
I do love his posts, as I am sure y'all may imagine. I love his words, his thoughts, and the fact that he spent so much time to follow through with the results of the wager. I love this man more than I could ever express.
Padrone, I know this post is quite vanilla, and quite boring to you who know all of this, but it is what it is today. I am yours, my Padrone. So beautifully and gratefully yours.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Padrone has had a lot of things happening where he lives, and so his last blog post is late. He regrets the delay, but life takes precedence - always.
I do hate that this is his last post, and it is my own personal hope that he will choose to type more, now and then.
And here it is:
Take a Walk on the Wild Side
Who is the third who walks always beside you?
When I count, there are only you and I together
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another one walking beside you
T. S. Eliot – The Waste Land
I am a lawyer, so I understand the necessity of laws and rules and how those laws and rules enables us to live in a society that's daily becoming more global and complex, and I understand that we can probably have a good idea of the real value of a country just looking at the web of rights and duties steering its citizens in their pursuit of happiness.
Yet, as much as I deeply admire the insight of Thomas Jefferson and of those guys in the French revolution who came out with the idea of freedom, equal rights and fraternity, something deep inside me tells me that the reason I am alive today cannot be found in rights, rules or the protection of society. The real reason why I'm alive today is that so far I managed not to make anyone angry or annoyed enough to kill me.
Any social group inevitably builds the concept of an ideal citizen, the politically correct guy, and even if different countries can have (and do have) different ideals they are identical in just one thing: no one can totally conform to them. At the personal level there is always a tension, a struggle, between what the group wants you to become and what you want to be and who you feel you are, and willing or not there are times when the group looses and our ego flares.
How do we manage that? Beyond the obvious fascination that we feel for villains and criminals and people that at least for some time can live outside the law, making their own rules or with no rules at all, how do we cope with the inevitable unpolitical and incorrect side of our personality?
For me the question is far from a theoretic one, both on social and personal level, because quite early in my life I discovered that I had some peculiar dreams about my romantic and sexual life. During the seventies here in Europe women were still struggling to reach a real social and sexual equality, burning bras in public marches and demonstration, and while I felt that their struggle for social parity was totally legitimate and understandable I had those daydreams, you know, with a girl kneeling at my feet, eager and ready to fulfill my every need and desire.
It was a disturbing contradiction, especially for a teenager. While you are trying to define your social image, fighting to find a place in a community of your choice, you also are struggling to understand yourself as an individual and you suddenly realize that you have a wild side, that you have needs and urges that the community of your choice surely wouldn't approve.
At some point I decided not to deny those feelings and urges. I perfectly understood that I needed to keep them hidden but I also understood that there is a difference between social and private life, if I had a wild side it was probably better not to try to hide it to myself and to learn as much as I could about it. I decided, as the song says, to take a walk to the wild side and see where the way would lead.
I never regretted that decision, for good or for bad I didn't want to lie to myself and I wanted to find out who I was and what I wanted, both on a social and personal level. If social and personal needs don't always match and that has made my life … complicated, well, that's an unfortunate matter but I guess I share that problem with the rest of all mankind.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I forgot our anniversary.
I started my new job today and I have been thinking for weeks what a fun coincidence it is that my job started on our anniversary, and how easy it was for me to remember the date of my first training.
I stayed up late (for me) last night finishing an assignment for one of my classes, and even when I saw the date of the submission (three days early, tyvm) I didn't even think "oh tomorrow's our anniversary" as I usually do.
I am so embarrassed, actually, because I never forget anniversaries. Or birthdays. Until this year.
I got a Voxer from him while I was in training, and I know he knew I had forgotten, and I just hope it didn't bother him too much. I'm not sure - it really is a special day for us and always has been.
Maybe I should link to the post about taking each other for granted being a *good* thing!
Padrone, you know that my light tone hides a real heart filled with love for you and joy at being yours. It never ceases to amaze me just how happy we are after all this time, without having met face to face.
Who I have become and what I have accomplished is due to your presence in my life, and the affect your love and acceptance and support has had on me. You said that you saw a strength in me from very early in our relationship that I didn't recognize. I would venture to say that you saw much more that I am still now learning to believe about myself. That belief, unwavering and powerful, is the foundation for everything I now am.
And everything that I now am, is totally, irrevocably, yours. Buona anniversario, il Padrone mio. Forever.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
This is the second of three posts that Padrone will write as a result of our recent wager. I am thoroughly enjoying reading his words and thoughts, even though I already know how he feels about many things, now I understand when he says that he loves to read *my* words! So, without further adieu:
A HAPPY SLAVE SERVES BETTER
I use to say that a happy slave serves better, and it's a reasonably true statement. If you are regular reader of this blog you should have quite a clear idea of how our relationship works and I'm quite aware that it doesn't look like the Master/slave relationships described in other blogs or websites. Unfortunately there is a widespread notion that being the dominant in a D/s relationship is not very difficult, all you need is an imposing attitude, the knowledge of a few platitudes like “safe, sane and consensual”, a clear idea of how your slave should behave and that's it, all you need to do is to seat in your armchair, crack your whip and let your slave do her best to make your life easier.
In your dreams maybe, if you are so dumb to dream that kind of scenario, because with just a minimum amount of thinking a question should come to your mind: why should she bother? What makes you so special that a woman should give you the authority to control her life, and choose to dedicate that same life to obey, to serve and to please you?
I understand she is a submissive, I understand she NEEDS to be controlled, but if your part in a D/s relationship is just to set out a list of rules and to be a domineering figure that is all you will be: a figure, not a man, a character in a second rate drama that you are writing in your mind, exchangeable and useful as much as a Bic lighter. And it does not matter how carefully you write your part in that drama, sooner or later (sooner than later, I suspect) you will discover that life has its own way to interfere with your wishful thinking. What will you do, when some relative or friend unexpectedly arrives? When she has to stay late at work? When she comes to you crying or terribly upset because something bad suddenly happened?
After a few struggling attempts to build a D/s relationship doing things “by the book” I decided it was time (with age comes wisdom, they say) to bring my experience and, again, some common sense in my D/s life, and both experience and common sense tell me that people start a relationship hoping to be happier than they were before. It does not matter if you are dominant, submissive, vanilla, gay or transgender. You just want to be happy, it's as simple as that.
So I finally realized that owning a slave could make my life easier, yes, but much more than that it could make me tremendously happy if I just could quit the dream and start living it as … life. D/s or not it's still a consensual relationship with an adult woman. She has her own background, her family, her career, her inner world and, guess what, she wants to be happy too!
And now I believe that dealing with it is part of the job description.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Well, Padrone lost our recent wager, and I was not offered the job I had interviewed for. I had even less of a chance because the principal was not even there for the interview, so I knew when I left that I very likely didn't get the job. Here is Padrone's first of three blog posts. And yes, it has left me in tears, in case you wondered:
The Heart of the Matter
It is quite difficult to imagine two people more different than me and my slave: she is emotional and giving while I am controlling and self-centered, she loves to talk about whatever is happening into her life while I am much more reserved, she is smart, dedicated and clever, but her mind tends to wander in a thousand different directions while I am obsessed by the need to simplify and to reach the heart of the problem, she tries to solve everything right here, right now! while I step back and take my time … and I could go on and on with our differences, but if you are a regular of this blog you already know what I am talking about.
As different as we are, we have now been engaged in a long distance relationship for seven long years and there is no doubt that we have become so intimate and important to each other that the only way to describe our feelings comes down to a simple, single word. And that word is love.
How is that possible? How can a man and a woman who have never met, who live at the opposite side of the Atlantic ocean, who speak different languages and have such a different background, become so close and intimate? Why does she choose to obey and strive to please me? Why do I feel that she is my treasure, my star, my flower of the south? How could we build such a solid D/s relationship? Seven years, and we are still as happy as pigs in mud!
When I was wondering about it the usual answers came to mind: trust, communication, honesty, commitment, yadda yadda. It's all true, of course, it all works but I was not satisfied. Those are all consequences of something else, something deeper, something basic, I had to find the heart of the matter and again it all had to come down to a single, simple word. And I found it, that word is respect.
True submissives are rare, even in the D/s lifestyle, and they don't live an easy life. A troubled past has often left them with a need to please and to find someone to surrender to, to such an extent that their craving has to be hidden from families and society if they don't want to face constant blame and abuse. It's quite ironic that the same families so ready to condemn those needs are usually the origin of what they are blaming but, anyway, subs are forced to hide to the world who they really are. My dear slave had to struggle all her life with her need to submit and the inner sense of guilt inspired by the uncaring community surrounding her and yet, with all that struggle, she managed to become a very, very good woman.
While I was getting to know her I was often amazed by the difficulties she had to overcome and by her inner strength, a strength that at the time she was not even seeing in herself. There was something deeply worthy, deeply … moral, in her struggle to be a good woman for her kids and her family without having to lie to herself about who she needed to be.
The more I got to know her the more my respect for who she is kept growing, and that respect is now the foundation of a successful relationship. Trust, yes. Honesty, sure. Communication, of course. But, most of all, respect, all the respect she deserves without even realizing it.
We all know it's possible to love without trust, to communicate without honesty, but when a relationship is based on mutual respect then every good thing can really grow and you eventually find out that you have built something solid, something lasting, something that at the heart of the matter, where our life has to be balanced, is worth living.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Just a vanilla post to touch base more than anything. I still have some D/s thoughts rumbling around in my brain, but it will be a few days before I can type anything of substance.
My sister in law has had some pretty intense health issues going on this summer, and my parents have been babysitting their 7 year old son. When they got a call about the last "emergency", my mom called and asked if I could come help them. They have their own health issues, and while the child is not a problem, it is a weight to have him 24/7 for a couple of weeks at a time when you aren't used to having him for more than a couple of hours at a time. So they were pretty well drained.
So I am at their house right now. I've been here since Wednesday afternoon, and will head home today or tomorrow, depending on what Padrone says. I've been working on my schoolwork too, so that helps. I would have had one of the assignments finished by now if I were home, but I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. And actually, I find it relaxing to be here because I don't have to deal with the ex, his family, my kids (they have called a time or two but not asking for help for anything, surprisingly enough), or anything else. I've shopped at a thrift store and found some things for my new classroom. I've helped my mom in her house. And I've called about getting a ramp and a lift so my mom can use her scooter chair. She is pretty much housebound unless she *has* to go somewhere, because she has COPD and simply cannot breathe well. So I'm working on getting those for her and hearing aids for my dad (no joke, but it's funny).
I haven't kept in touch with Padrone like I should have, I know, and I feel incredibly guilty about it. But this break from my house, my typical stressors, has been absolutely wonderful. I feel refreshed to begin a new school year, and I had been dreading it because I felt too stressed and exhausted to do anything. Since my sister in law has improved and I am not here under obligation anymore, it is almost like a vacation. So yes, it is a very, very good thing for me right now.
Things start "hopping" next week - like going to the doctor, taking my mother in law to the doctor, and starting to work in my classroom. I'm excited about that! The room is huge so I have a lot to do! But it will really be fun to get ready for the school year. My training starts on July 31, for half a day.
Padrone, I know some of this is not really what you hoped I would say. Thank you for allowing me to stay a bit longer than you feel that I should, and especially for understanding the inability to stay in touch as much as usual as well. I am hoping to do better with that, even if it is texting which I forget sometimes now that we have voxer.
I adore you, my Padrone, and am more grateful for you every day. And yes, before you ask, my ass is a bit tender as you hoped! Kiss.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Today has been an incredible day. I have a lot to type but I am going to start with an update of my life stuff.
I am going to be working in my local school district next year, teaching 5th grade Special Education (unless they change their minds. I have the job but the assignment may change, actually). I'm glad to have a job! I passed my Praxis II and now have that endorsement on my license which is good. Working locally will give the the chance to save some money and some stress of such a long drive. I mean, who can argue that driving 15 minutes to work is less stressful than driving 50???
Lots of other stuff has been happening but the biggest thing is that I have a major issue with doing my schoolwork this summer! I cannot make myself do it for some reason. So I did something I'm not sure I have ever done, that Padrone agreed to at least.
I asked Padrone to hold me accountable for completing my schoolwork.
It's really unfair of me to ask it, since *he* isn't the one in school, so why should he have to keep up with my assignments and when they're due? And it is temporary I know, if for no other reason than that these classes will be done in a couple of weeks - lol. I'll have more classes in the fall but not until a few weeks after school starts and I get settled into my new job. I think this year will be better because I kind of know how the beginning of a school year *shouldn't* be, and with this larger school district it's a bit more professional than the other district. We'll see though.
So today I wouldn't have even asked him for that because I was in "freak out" mode for various reasons. Mostly it was because it had been a long time since I had been able to focus solely on Padrone. I really have had a busy, stressful summer, unfortunately. I've missed it, although I hadn't recognized it before today. But today, I went to town for groceries and when I got home I voxered Padrone to tell him I was home and I got a return message very quickly asking if I was home alone.
Not typical, especially lately.
I was, so he told me to go put my eggs in (I have vibrating eggs that I can insert ... one in my cunt and one in my ass), and wear my butterfly clit vibrator, and kneel in the corner and wait for his call.
So he called and had me turn the butterfly on. Now, you have to understand that I have a major love/hate relationship with that thing. It is intense and brings me to the edge very quickly. But I cannot cum from clit stimulation alone, no matter what type or how intense. Well, I can't really say that because I don't know what a tongue would do but from my experience I cannot cum that way. So he can make me moan and groan and writhe and beg .... and beg and beg and beg.......with more desperation than I have felt in a looooong time.
God, I was insane. Finally I could play with my nipples and cum, and I felt as if I was screaming although I don't remember well, you know. Then he had me turn the eggs on, in what we call whore position, and hump....begging and cumming until I could think of nothing but orgasm and being controlled.
I needed that. But what I needed more than that was the words, the emotions, the love and pride and joy that Padrone expressed verbally, in his soft, loving, accented voice, simply because I am his. I was crying and drenched and tender and...oh god I needed it and I didn't even realize I did.
Tonight while online I served him unexpectedly, worshiping and loving and gratefully sucking and consuming his cock until he came. It was intense, intimate, and leaves me close to tears even now just thinking about it.
I needed it more than I realized. I needed to focus on him, and on who he is, who I am, the emotions, the surrender, the control. I needed to open myself totally to him, and to feel his openness as well. I needed to feel him inside me, in my very depths, and to feel surrounded and held and deep inside him as well. This is my life, and my reason for being. Being this man's woman is the most incredible thing I can ever imagine.
Padrone, I am humbled by the way you let me know just how much I mean to you, my Padrone. Sometimes I forget that not only the emotions themselves are reciprocated, but the intensity is as well. I get so much from you that I forget that you get as much from me. I'm humbled that me being myself is just exactly what you want and need, and that I make you so happy. I love you. You are an amazing man and my world is complete simply because you are in it. I have no more words; the emotions are far too deep. I am, simply and forever, yours.
Friday, July 06, 2012
Padrone and I had a discussion the other day, albeit a short one, about taking each other for granted. It's always been very important to me to make sure that Padrone knows just how deeply I appreciate him - who he is, what he does for me, how he has changed my life, etc. And I think I do a fairly good job of that, overall.
But one time when I said something like "I hope you don't feel as if I take you for granted..." he replied with something that really kind of stopped me in my figurative tracks. He said something to the effect of...taking each other for granted can be good.
That made no sense to me, as it ran counter to everything I understood about relationships - or thought I understood anyway. But it makes so much sense now that he explained it a bit, and I am going to try to tell you why.
His thoughts were that as we grow in a relationship, that we *should* take certain things for granted. The example he gave is that he knows beyond doubt that I will do my best to please him and obey him...even if I fail, he knows that I did my best to succeed. In the beginning of our relationship he didn't know that, but now he takes that for granted - he doesn't even think about it anymore whereas early on he had to consider my successes and failures and explanations of failures and determine my honesty and sincerity - the actions he required were indeed tests of my submission and my integrity. And that's how it should be in the beginning of any relationship - indeed, that is how it *is*. And yes, I tested him to determine the qualities of his Dominance and how well they meshed with my own submissive needs, but it was also a test of his own personality traits as well.
But you know what? Now there *is* no doubt about who he is, or who I am in his mind. We *can* take certain aspects of our life together for granted, and not only is it not a bad thing, but it is very much a positive thing.
See, I know that my Padrone loves me, and I can take that for granted. It doesn't mean that I'm not amazed by how wonderful it is, or that I don't feel gratitude for his constancy. But I don't wonder anymore if what he feels is true, or how deep it may be, or if he will skedaddle at the first sign of real trouble. And I know what he expects of me, and how he will react or respond (for the most part - he can still surprise me at times: see posts about the wager!), but I know several things beyond any doubt whatsoever.
Padrone always has my best interests at heart, even if he requires or expects me to do things i don't really want to do, or don't see any value in doing. That was really hard for me to accept for some reason, maybe because his explanation early on of his generous, giving nature is that "a happy slave serves better"!
He loves for me to be happy. He loves making me happy and allowing me to do things that make me smile. He loves when things happen that are good for me, make my life easier or better in some way.
He enjoys my accomplishments, loves being proud of me. I used to try to shrug off his words when he would express his pride in me, although it made my heart glow to hear them. I would wonder ... not about his sincerity, but about whether he may have simply been trying to boost my confidence about things. But I gradually, finally, began to realize that he truly *is* proud of me, and now it is something I do take for granted. And you know what? Not only is that alright, it's a *good* thing!
Think about it for a minute. We've been together for 7 years. If I still had doubts about his having my best interests at heart, or loving for me to be happy, or being proud of me, or so many other things I could mention - after all this time - what kind of relationship would we really have? There comes a time for trust to reach the level that taking certain things about each other for granted is a positive rather than a negative, or else the relationship can never grow, and the participants can never be truly happy or fulfilled. Reaching that point can allow us to simply relax in our happiness and focus on being more and more fulfilled with each other in our lives.
The sole reason we are in relationships is to be happy and fulfilled, right?
So, while I appreciate all that Padrone is, and does...it really is alright for me to take certain things in our relationship for granted.
This was quite eye-opening for me, as I am sure you may imagine. Padrone, you are so wonderful to me, for me, and I never have the words to fully express my emotions where you are concerned. You always hear what I can never say, though, and I know that the depths of my adoration and devotion to my Padrone is something that you can, and do, take for granted. You make me more than I could ever be on my own. I feel powerful, beautiful, cherished, feminine, needed, and wanted. I feel invincible sometimes, Padrone, and so much of what I have been able to accomplish in my life is strictly due to your confidence, support, encouragement.
Padrone, being yours...not even D/s related, but simply being the one in your life who completes you, makes you happy, and fulfills you...is my greatest accomplishment. And knowing that you are as proud of me for reaching the point of being able to make you happy as you are of my other accomplishments, is yet another thing to make my heart swell and my smile glow. Grazie, il Padrone mio. Grazie.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
The wager has changed just a bit. We talked about the "freedom" thing, and how difficult it would be for him to remove his control even for only a couple of days, and how it would mean that I could act disrespectfully or inappropriately with no consequences. He chose not to answer questions I had about the story I will write if I get the job, and when I asked him why, he said that he was being mean and making it harder for me - that losing a bet is supposed to be hard.
What he was proposing was a vanilla relationship for 2 days.
You know, D/s is not always on the forefront of our relationship. It isn't always apparent or obvious in its expression. But it is simply part of who we are, and...well even thought it would be more symbolic than anything else...the thought of it not being there, by choice, with him having no authority at all, and me having no expectations placed on me....well, it just seemed *too* hard. (Although writing a 30 page story in 3 days would not be a piece of cake either)
So when we were talking about it, I basically asked him....shouldn't the one who wins the wager also want the results? It shouldn't *just* be hard for the loser, should it? And so he asked what I would like instead of that, and I thought for a moment....and came up with a new wager, that we both agreed upon:
If i am not offered the job, the result *I* expect to happen (I would win the wager but lose the job), then he will write a blog post once a week for 3 weeks. I will determine length and offer suggested topics - but I have no doubts that his own topics will be quite interesting and illuminating without my thoughts.
It isn't that it is extremely unpleasant for him to write his thoughts, or to share them (usually, he *IS* a man after all, with all the genetic issues with expressing themselves).
It is more that it is difficult for him to write long pieces in English. He has a wonderful grasp of the language, but he is seldom satisfied with what he types because he can express himself so much better in Italian (or so he says, I have to take his word on that one of course!). And now and then his grammar is a bit awkward. But it takes him a long time to write in English because of his perfectionism. So this won't be easy for him to do when he loses the wager.
I also get to keep my sexual exploration addendum, so I'm gonna have a little fun too!
It won't be easy for me to know that he is doing something really difficult for him. I'm not built that way. But I will love to read his words and thoughts that he will share publicly. I will have to simply be patient and know that he is the one who suggested the wager and made the choices as to what would be wagered. It won't be easy for me, because I am the type of person that I am, but I will do it.
Padrone, I am on the verge of apologizing for this particular wager condition, but...well, you agreed to it of course, but...the other just seemed way too drastic, and....difficult for us both. I know you think I'm overthinking something that will never happen, but that's the entire reason for the wager - that we disagree on the results of the interview! I'll have a much better idea in a couple of days, maybe. And I promise to wear my "lucky" blouse - I will do my very, very best since I really would love to get an offer from that district!
I adore you, my Padrone. Just simply adore you!
I have an interview with a very good school district on Thursday morning. I personally think I have a snowball's chance in hell of being offered a job there, which I am not sure Padrone believes is what I consider realistic and not simply doubting myself. The reason I feel that way is because I expect there to be far more experienced teachers applying for the job, and no matter how good a teacher I feel that I am, the reality is that I have not had as much opportunity to prove it as some other teachers may have had. It isn't that I feel that I am a poor applicant, just less experienced than some others may be.
Because Padrone feels strongly that I will be offered a job there, he proposed a "friendly" wager:
If I am *not* offered the job, the result I expect, then I will be granted 48 hours of total freedom, with no obligation to him whatsoever. I also added a little bit to that (for reasons of my own, which aren't nearly as obvious as they may seem) - as part of that "total freedom", I will be allowed to explore new ways to please him sexually, as long as I don't try to turn him into a sub (as if that was even possible, but a bit of sexual exploration can be fun I think).
As an aside here, if that is the result it's mostly a win/win for both of us - the *feeling* of obligation, of duty, is lifted which allows me total freedom to express my submission in whatever ways I choose, or not to at all if that is my choice (as if, but theoretically it is possible, work with me here - lol). And since Padrone enjoys those freely given offers of submission more than anything, he will be very pleased by every overt show of submission. And yes, he knows I will do them, because I can't go 48 hours without expressing my submission! So like I said, it's a win/win in a lot of ways. And it's for that reason that I asked for the addendum.
Don't tell HIM this, but I hope my suggestion intrigues him enough that I can explore a bit even if I *am* offered the job, but I won't have time to explore for a while if that happens.....
If I *am* offered the job, I will have to write a long BDSM story, at least 30 pages long, for him to publish on the internet. AND I will only have 3 days in which to do it! I've never typed 30 pages of *any* sort of story, EVER, so I'm kind of overwhelmed by his wager here - lol.
I have formally been approved by the Board in one of the jobs I was offered, and I was offered a second one yesterday. I have two more interviews set up on Thursday, and I'm debating whether or not to wear my lucky interview blouse!
What do y'all think? Should I hope to "win" or "lose"? And yes I'm teasing because I really *would* love to be offered a job at that outstanding school district! I guess I'm just truly moved and overwhelmed by Padrone's show of confidence in me. And yes, now I'm going to melt into a mushy pile of slave.
Padrone, I don't know (yet) why you are so confident that I will receive an offer from this particular district, but your confidence humbles me and makes me so proud to be yours. I am so moved, my Padrone. And I love you, too.
Friday, June 29, 2012
I passed my Praxis with flying colors! Padrone doesn't quite believe me but I am truly shocked by my score. I now have another endorsement and at least one choice to make. It's nice, if strange, to have options. And my Padrone is helping me of course, as where I work may affect where I live, which affects a lot more than that of course. I am indeed grateful for such a wonderful, loving man as my Padrone. I love you.
And no, Padrone, I did not mean for the title to have a double meaning! For those who don't know, the way Padrone and I first got together was in a BDSM chat room where he pinched my ass, I pouted, so he pinched my nipple for pouting!
Right now the feelings of submission that are so wonderful and fulfilling are washing over me like rain on a parched flower. There is a huge, massive sense of relief, since I was offered a job yesterday that I am not averse to accepting. A couple of hours later I was called about scheduling an interview for a job that would be with a very, very good district - it is almost unheard of for there to be a job opening there. It's the kind of district that nobody leaves unless they retire or die. :) So I am still going to that interview, a week from today. And I'll find out soon if I passed that Praxis I took a few weeks ago, and I'll know if I can add that particular endorsement to my license or not. It's turning into a pretty darn interesting time, thank goodness.
I have had a couple of topics in mind to type about, but I have lost them apparently. Oh well, life has been happening like crazy lately, but it is my hope that I'll have a couple of weeks of relative quiet before going back to work.
And since this blog is supposed to be about our relationship and how I live as a long distance slave, I'll let y'all know that we just passed our 7 year anniversary of the beginning of our relationship. Not my collaring, but the beginning of our relationship. I've been feeling so submissive, although little sexual has been happening. Until yesterday, I mean. :)
Yesterday was a sudden, unforgettable need on his part, for his slut to give him a bj. It was hot, quick, and apparently more needed than even HE realized! I love doing that most of the time, even if it takes me a few minutes to get into the right mindset most of the time. Or to think of a scenario in my mind, and how to present it effectively. Or how to be creative and vary the wording in order to eliminate repetition as much as possible. But I know so many of the things he loves, after all this time, and I can include them naturally now even if it isn't how I served when we got together. Well, I take that back. How I served was to please my partner to the best of my ability. What I did then was to kind of....use what I had discovered was most effective to please the most men, and personalize them into my way of serving. In other words, it was quite generic, but they didn't know it! And yes, I often sprinkle what HE loves with my own fantasies and needs, so it's kind of the best of both worlds meshed into one hot, sweaty, intense, consuming mess. Making me squirm even now, just thinking about it!
I never realized how valuable that time of being a whore was!
And I don't have much to say, because I'm just feeling so mushy and loving and submissive right now that I can't think of any topic that I would like to talk about. I'm madly in love and looking forward to the opportunity to see my love in a few minutes online. Btw, if any others are in a long distance relationship, or even if you aren't but communicate via text or cell phone, there is a wonderful app out there for iphone/ipad and Android phones/tablets, that allows you to send voice messages instead of texts. It's called Voxer. I love it, since I get to hear his voice far more often than I did (Skype doesn't work well with satellite internet so I can't use it at home, and that limits our conversations with voice, unfortunately). And he is more likely to send a quick voice message than to go to the computer and type something to me. And of course, the inflection with voice is so wonderful, even if I can almost hear him saying the things he types when we are on IRC together - it isn't quite the same of course. So that's my tidbit of the day.
Padrone, I adore you, my love. I simply, totally, wonderfully, magically, adore you.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
There is an ongoing discussion in a couple of the blogs that I read concerning breaking a submissive. I'm going to speak about that for a little bit, then I have a couple of other thoughts that I will share today.
I usually don't feel compelled to comment on what others are discussing in their blogs and comments. But this topic struck a major chord with me, and so I just wanted to share my own thoughts about it.
First, this is my opinion, and only my opinion. If your opinion differs, wonderful! But know up front that I am not making any sort of comment that should be taken as anything other than strictly my opinion.
With that being said, I will just jump right in. I've seen where others have compared "breaking" a submissive with breaking a horse (which means training the horse to be ridden). I have seen where some have compared being "broken" with being beyond their own control, beyond thought, beyond themselves. But for me, a broken person is....emotionally damaged. Their spirit is broken. They have been harmed emotionally, simply because someone wanted them to change and they did not have the emotional or physical resources to prevent it from happening.
In my opinion, "breaking" a submissive is abuse, because of the definition I have given...the definition that is how *I* think of a "broken" person.
There is what I call a "victim's mentality" that is so pervasive in an abused person's psyche that it is extremely dangerous and allows abusers to do whatever they will with and to that person. I have seen more broken women and children in my life than I care to think about.
But I also own horses, and watched one of them being "broken" to ride. If one wants to compare the breaking of a horse to the "breaking" of a woman, then one must really understand that "breaking" a horse is nothing more than training a horse to trust that when a person gets on his back, that he has a job to do and will simply do it - that the rider will not harm him or cause him damage. The problem is the technique - it can be done cruelly in which the horse obeys out of fear, or it can be done through trust, after which the horse has a totally different personality that if he is trained through fear.
There are many, many ways to guide a submissive....to give her the control she craves...to help her learn self control and responsibility for her own actions without carrying the guilt of the world on her shoulders....to give her the structure (Padrone calls it a framework) for her life that helps her remain contained and controlled...without breaking her. Guide her, train her if you use that terminology, show her, help her....but look at what I typed....in my opinion, the guidance itself should be all about her.
Sounds backwards, doesn't it? But frankly, if a Dominant simply wanted "a" submissive, and not "the" submissive, then it wouldn't matter who wore his collar or knelt at his feet. So it should be about meeting her where she is, accepting her *as* she is, and guiding her into the best she can be. This can be done through building trust, accepting, loving....in other words, a positive manner...or it can be done through violence, intimidation, and fear. It happens out of the latter motives far, far too often.
I've seen others defining "breaking" as a totally different thing. It means something totally, absolutely different to them, and I call what they describe a totally different thing. I'm not commenting on those definitions, because they aren't my thoughts. I am simply typing what I feel and think about "breaking" a submissive as I define it.
And since my definition is what it is, it disturbs me at a very deep level to hear a submissive ask to be broken. I understand that craving for deeper, ever deeper, control and constraint. I understand the need to release all responsibility to the point that we don't have to think about anything, simply hear and obey and suffer no consequences unless we screw up. I understand that. I understand that need to be rescued and taken care of, to be forced rather than to admit that we need, what we need. But the bottom line is that we, none of us, can live that way for long.
If a submissive does not take responsibility for making choices for herself other than to relieve herself of all power, control, and responsibility, then she does not consent to be in a D/s relationship. That relationship is not consensual. It is not "TPE". It is not Master/slave. It is simply a submissive with a "victim mentality" who needs that control in her life but who does not want to face the consequences for anything negative that may happen in a relationship. She doesn't want to say "I need this" because if she did then she would have to take responsibility if she becomes involved with the "wrong" man, or if something happens that she really *doesn't* want. Or if she doesn't say "no" to something harmful....if she has been "broken" then she is absolved of all responsibility.
I am a firm believer that a person who can overcome that mentality and begin to truly take full responsibility for her life, even after she is in a D/s relationship (even moreso then - no excuses, just "man up" and take responsibility for screw ups), then she is one of the strongest people I have ever met. And I touched on just how difficult this kind of strength is in a previous post. This is the kind of strength that is hard, so hard, to accept about ourselves as submissives because it means we have no choice but to accept that kind of responsibility. That's exactly opposite of what we want, mostly.
But I have long said that we cannot give to someone else that which we do not have, whether it is control (as in self-control, and that's a topic for another blog post), responsibility, power, or whatever D/s is all about for you.
This is exactly why, to me, "breaking" a submissive leaves a "broken" person, and the obstacles that "broken" person must overcome in order to be healthy and happy, or as healthy and happy as she can be. Guide me, lead me, show me what you want, including the emotions and the attitudes you desire in me....but please, please do not break me. Leave me whole and healthy, and better than I was when you found me.
Padrone, these thoughts are likely not new to you, although I may not have ever expressed them just this way before. But once again you can see just how much I appreciate how you are, and why I am deeply grateful for how you have always treated me with utmost respect. You give all you have ever asked of me (except things in my ass, but hey, I'm not complaining!)...and have treated me as you expect to be treated. Padrone, one day you may get tired of me saying how grateful I am to be yours, but I am never going to tire of saying it, of feeling it, of showing you just how much you mean to me. No, I'm not one of those women who give all and feel eternal gratitude when someone is nice to her or treats her halfway decently. You are the one who has shown me who I can be and even who I am. I am grateful from a place of strength, my love, and not weakness. That makes me feel even more, ever more, grateful for the guidance and leadership you have given to me for all these years. I love you, Padrone. Forever.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Well, hello again! First, a life update: I have taken another Praxis exam in hopes of adding another endorsement to my teaching license which would enable me to stay at the school district I was last year. It would also enable me to move to other areas far more easily since there are also so few of these types of teachers in the entire state, much less in my area. So we'll see. I just took it today so it will be a few weeks before I know the results. In the meantime I am still working on job hunting, of course, with my current certification. So it's kind of a wait-and-see situation, with me being proactive in the wait.
Daughter moved into the dorms at her college this summer, and so I am alone now for the most part. The ex is still here a lot and daughter hasn't yet made a complete break but I'm not complaining. It's unusual to even have as much time alone as I do have, and I'm enjoying it for the most part. I miss my kids of course, but I am enjoying the beginning of this new phase as well.
Padrone and I are just as happy as ever. He is the most encouraging, supportive man I know, y'all. I could be nothing, do nothing, if he weren't. I would still be working at some God-awful job if it weren't for his encouragement (and yes, I will go back to something like that if I have to, believe me.) But to know that I have the training and education and certification that allows me to do better when "better" opens up for me is far more wonderful than I can explain. And I owe every bit of that emotion to my Padrone. Yes, he will say that I did the hard work, but honestly....his work of believing in me until I believed in myself was far more difficult than anything I did myself, for sure.
So I owe so much to my Padrone, but our relationship doesn't work that way. I would not be where I am, *who* I am, if it weren't for him, but I daresay that the opposite is also true. Balance. Mutuality. A perfect symbiosis of male and female, Dominant and submission, Padrone and me.
What is it that draws me to him so powerfully? If you met him, you would see a very personable, pleasant, witty man who loves to laugh and has a very unique and refreshing way of looking at things. He is intelligent, dedicated, committed, loyal, creative. He is wicked when he wants to be, arrogant now and then. He can be very sexual, and a bit of a sadist but not for the sake of pain - more for the sake of the extreme power he feels when I suffer extremely for him. He is a tease, a tormenter, for the joy of my suffering and the focus on *him* that it brings.
He accepts so much about me that I never even saw before him. I thought I knew myself pretty well, and I would give lip service to things that I know now to be far more important and more vital aspects of myself than I ever dreamed. I would always say "I know I'm smart but..." and that was alright but the reality is that I *am* a very intelligent woman and I needn't minimize that or excuse it or act as if it is of far less importance than the negative parts of my personality simply because there *are* negative parts of my personality. Padrone's ability to see the good in me when I was so insistent on acting as if the good is not worth seeing, is one of the first things that I truly loved about this man.
He is a realist. Oh, he has his dreams, don't think he doesn't. His mind is never "off", and I am always amazed by the things he has been thinking when he chooses to share! He rarely discusses his ideas until they are pretty well thought out, and it's like his mind doesn't stop spinning in the background, even when we're discussing the weather and I'm wondering if he is bored cos there's little conversation going on! But he sees things realistically in general. That helps me gain so much perspective when I am having issues or my own mind is tearing on a tangent or spinning 90 to nothing. He can see the trees in the midst of the forest, or even the forest instead of the trees if need be. He can really put things into a realistic perspective in terms of what can be done and what should be done, and what can't or shouldn't be done. I don't know if it is him being male that is the reason for it, or if it is that is just his unique ability, but it is highly unusual, in my experience. Maybe it is as much that he cares about doing what is best for *me* and not just what makes him feel better as a Master or whatever.
And that, my friends, is the most wonderful thing about this man, to me. He truly cares about my life, my circumstances, my happiness. Just as I care about his. That is the reason that from the very beginning of our relationship he spent a lot of time learning about my life in general. He developed rules, expectations, and consequences that are an expression of his knowledge of my life and also of his unique ability to control without being unreasonably intrusive simply to enforce some arbitrary expectation of what and how "his slave" will be/do/behave. That's what I have always wanted to capture with my words but until now have never even come close. But from the very beginning, Padrone wanted a personal relationship with a woman, not a general "Master/slave" relationship that could happen with any woman who was obedient and submissive enough to follow a generic set of rules.
And that attribute is priceless, and brings tears to my eyes every single time I think about it, bar none.
Padrone, I am so grateful that you are who you are. You always ask me to tell you who I am, but you may not understand that who I am is made so much more....everything....because of who *you* are. I am deeply grateful for all the things I didn't understand early in our relationship because I was expecting a generic "Master". I am still so amazed that you simply wanted a personal, intimate relationship and that you realized just how much *more* personal and intimate it can be when D/s is unique to the individual relationship. How patient you were to wait for me to "catch up" to your desire and experience and understanding of how it can be, and how to get it there....Padrone, I adore you. I am so grateful for who you are, and I love you more than words can say. I am yours....and so humbled that you are mine as well. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. Simply yours.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Padrone and I had a conversation the other day...well, probably weeks ago by now but anyway...it was all about how he believes that only strong women can truly submit. I want to argue every time I hear that, for lots of reasons - lol. But Padrone went so far as to say that he thinks we type it wrong...it shouldn't be D/s, but rather D/S, to indicate the equality of strength required by each person in the relationship.
I didn't argue with that, for some reason.
The bottom line is that I hate to admit that I am strong. I don't want to be strong. I get so tired of pretending to be strong.
Sometimes I wish I could simply let go of responsibility and just turn things over to Padrone to handle. I wish I could take a break from being strong. I wish I could find a couple of hours/days/weeks (I'd get too bored, that's just the stress talking) where I didn't have to think of anything. No decisions beyond what to fix for dinner. No questions to answer. No situations popping up to help deal with. No kids, teachers, administration with issues. No job hunt. No school. No work. Just me, a stack of books, and Padrone.
But the fact is that I *am* a strong woman. I am getting stronger as I get more confident, which is kind of strange, but it's true. Or maybe I am just noticing it in myself, which is truly amazing when compared to the person I used to be. And the stronger I become, and the more I recognize that strength, the stronger our relationship itself becomes.
See, I have a kind of an unusual philosophy regarding relationships in general.
I believe that strong relationships depend totally on balance. I think that we all recognize that the Dominant partner in this type of relationship is typically a strong type of person. And I think that most Dominants will acknowledge the strength of submissives even if we subs don't see it in ourselves, or don't want to see it. But the reality is that if we are emotionally weak or unstable, it doesn't matter how strong our Dominant partners are...the relationship will be weakened by our weakness. Especially, in my opinion, if the "weakness" is deliberate.
I know submissive women who are looking for their "Dom in shining armor" to take them away from it all. I call these mythical creatures Calgon Doms after the commercials for Calgon bath oil from years ago when the woman begged Calgon to "take me away". Oh yes, I love to have that kind of thing now and then - who doesn't? A time of pampering myself and recharging my batteries. But as a way of living? No...I could never be the princess always in need of rescuing. Besides which, often what these subs want to escape from is actually themselves. And no amount of Domliness could ever change a person who doesn't wish to change without being forced into it.
But if the partners are relatively balanced in their emotional strength and stability, then the relationship has the potential to be strong and healthy. Balance is the key in everything, when it comes to healthy relationships.
Which means that Padrone is right, even though there are times when I simply do not want to admit it. Submissives *are* strong women, and admitting strength means that one must be strong. No excuses, no running, no shifting. Yuck.
I'd much rather leave strength to Padrone, who does it so well.
Padrone, I admire you so much, for so many things, but your wisdom and common-sense way of looking at things top the list. I am so grateful that you have guided me (intentionally or just because it is how you look at things and you simply shared your philosophies with me) into a grudging admission of my own strength, and a similarly grudging admiration of how that strength has helped me become a better submissive, mother, teacher and most of all a better woman. Thank you, Padrone, for so many things that I can't even name. The gradual way which I have learned to value myself is a direct result of how you value me and how thoroughly, and beautifully, you show me the value you place on your tesoro. (I probably got that word wrong, but you know what I mean.) Forever yours, my Padrone. Forever.