Sunday, September 11, 2011
Not a lot to talk about this week, I think. The state board of education representatives were in our school a couple of days this week, and apparently found some compliance issues in the Special Ed department, but I guess it was nothing *too* major. Son has 3 kidney stones, and the pain hit him Friday night while he was at work, so I spent the majority of that night with him at the Emergency Room of the hospital. He is still hurting pretty badly, and I hate that. I am going to call and see if I can get his excuse extended through tonight's shift. Poor son.
Of course, as expected, Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through it all. We both look forward to the weekends so much because we have more time to spend with each other, and when I had things to do last night and I was so totally exhausted from doing things all day yesterday, he told me to rest and not to get online. I am grateful, but I hate the necessity of it. Not that I want to be superwoman or anything. I just miss spending time with Padrone.
There is not much else to say. Things seem to be settling down at school, although I am still not relaxing my guard any. It's funny but the very fact that I seem to know what I am doing is rubbing folks the wrong way (obviously it is folks who don't have a clue, and it isn't just me that says that). I think it is more likely that I am not going to do things the *wrong* way. I was told recently to "watch my back". I assume it is because I refused to do something that not only could have cost me my license, but was in fact illegal. Of course, the superintendent knows about the request for me to do it, the terminology used, and the fact that I refused, so even if there are ... repercussions ... I do have the support of the administration. Frankly, though, I expect it to be far too subtle and covert and all I will be able to do is to grin and bear it, and come home to vent to the wonderful man who allows me to vent as much as I need.
The best thing about that situation, however, is that I have some "behind the scenes" support from folks who have offered to help me and teach me how to do things that I am simply told to do without being told *how* to do them. I am grateful for them, believe me!
And so now I am going to work on my schoolwork, laundry and wardrobe planning, keeping an eye on son, and if I finish my schoolwork in time I am going to go shoe shopping for some nice looking, supportive shoes! Maybe my post next week won't be quite so boring - lol.
I love you, Padrone. I appreciate you more than I can say. I haven't typed my gratefulness lately, but your care for me is one of the most important things in my life, and something that has made all the difference in the world to me. I thank you for caring for me so deeply, my Padrone. I am yours.
Monday, September 05, 2011
Long weekends are wonderful, even if they are filled with wind, rain, and tornadoes from a tropical storm!
School is going well...I mean "work" school. There are conflicts of course, but I do love teaching! I will be glad when I feel more settled, though, and I hope it will happen soon. I hope they're finished changing the schedules for both teachers and students. Poor kids - it is extremely difficult for them when they have no idea where they are supposed to go when. Consistency is key to reaching students with special needs, and when schedules change as often as they have this school year, these students become worried, confused, and upset. It bothers me because it doesn't have to be that way, and because the "powers that be" seem to not even understand that basic aspect of teaching Special Ed. Oh well, I am praying and doing my best, and holding onto my kids even if they have to walk all over campus with me because things are totally "haywire"!
Grad school is also going well. I have a pretty time-intensive assignment due on Sunday, more journal articles and summarizations thereof, but it won't be difficult to do. It may end up being Saturday before I can actually work on it, but maybe I'll have a chance to at least bookmark a few articles before then. We'll see. This class only lasts through mid-October, then my other half-semester class begins. Then I will only lack 5 courses having my Masters! I hope at the end of next summer I will be able to graduate! What a riot that will be, an old lady like me graduating again - lol. But I will enjoy every minute of it, especially if I can keep my 4.0 gpa and graduate with highest honors. Yes, I will be bursting with pride if I can do that!
And this is not what I had hoped to type about today. I plan to talk about gratitude and how vital I believe it is to the success of any relationship, specifically D/s relationships. I hope to present the idea that gratitude, like every other aspect of a relationship, must be balanced in emotion even if not in expression.
I truly believe that many of us struggle with submission because we struggle with gratitude. I am not totally sure why that is, but we tend to think of reasons to feel ungrateful rather than to be grateful. You know....maybe it *is* easier for me since I am not with Padrone daily. Maybe the gratitude I feel for what we have is due to the fact that I don't live with him. Maybe everything we have is totally false because I don't see him face-to-face. Maybe the past 6 years have been nothing more than wishful thinking.
But maybe not.
Maybe I do understand a bit about D/s relationships. Maybe I do understand the importance of gratitude, and expressing gratitude, as much as expressing love or ownership or whatever else one may wish to express. Maybe it really does make a difference .... to feel grateful for little things, big things, and life-changing things. Maybe that gratitude is a way of maintaining a measure of humility that is necessary when serving another - not humiliation, but humility. Maybe that gratitude and humility will go much farther in creating and feeding a desire for our Dominants to meet our needs, than being dissatisfied or irritable or expressing our needs/wants/displeasure with how things are going ever could.
Gratitude, to me, is simply a way to show heartfelt appreciation for who we are in a relationship with. But I am so grateful for so many other things, outside our relationship, and I am learning the value of a grateful heart and the affect that attitude has on the quality of my life.
Gratitude cannot prevent bad things from happening, but it can help us get through some of the worst things without going insane. For instance, when my daughter had her accident, it would have been so easy...*so* easy....to break down and collapse from the weight of the severity of her injury, the "what ifs", the responsibility of caring for her physical and emotional needs. And yes, I did struggle with it when I became so exhausted that I didn't even know what day it was or who I was speaking with on the phone. But for the most part, I chose to focus on the facts that she *is* alive, she *is* mobile, she *is* healing. I looked at the accident site and saw how close she came to hitting a power pole, and how that 4 inches might have changed my world entirely. I looked at the truck and shivered when I realized that her car would never have protected her that way. I saw the straightness of the road she ran off of, and how well maintained the land was, and closed my mind to the trees in the curve a tenth of a mile down the road. Every text asking for me was music to my ears, even though I was exhausted. I was grateful, AM grateful, to have my daughter alive, healing, and happy.
All of the negatives are still there. She *did* have a wreck. She *did* ruin her brother's truck. We *don't* have insurance. There *are* bad things happening as a result of her accident. But I truly believe that being grateful for the positive aspects has helped me to simply let the negatives be what they are, and not turn them into major issues. I deal with them when I need to, but they don't rule my life as they once would have.
Maybe that is why I feel as if this particular attitude is so vital to a healthy relationship. It has literally changed my life, my outlook, and my relationship. I never really have been able to explain this until tonight, but there was one moment, years ago, that I remember quite clearly. Padrone had another slave as well as me, and I had been having major problems with that, even though I knew it when he collared me. But one night, on the phone, I suddenly just....had an epiphany. I realize NOW that it was the beginning of my attitude of gratefulness that has grown and blossomed since that moment. All I knew then was that I had made a conscious choice to focus on him and on us and that the other woman was only an issue for me or for us if I let her be. And I didn't let her be anymore, until the very end of their relationship (long story and not mine to tell, so no details).
The point is that submission is not always easy. But it becomes so much easier when one approaches life and relationships with an attitude of thankfulness for what one has, rather than with eyes focused on what one wants.
Padrone, I had told you that I would like to focus on one thing daily that I am grateful for, and I am going to begin today by saying that I am grateful for peace of mind. I don't know where it is coming from, except from my faith and my belief in myself and in US, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and learning through it all. There is so much more I could type here, but I will save it for another day. Thank you for believing in me, Padrone. I am yours, gratefully and wonderfully yours.