Wednesday, May 30, 2007

service with a smile

So i wasn't *really* smiling. But i WAS serving, and that was the important part.

Last night was one of those times when it required every ounce of determination to serve, and when i had to really face, once more, what being slave really is.

All i mean is that Padrone wanted, needed, to use me last night. He needed pain, real pain, the sounds and the knowledge that i was suffering for Him physically, not just mentally as happens during online scenes. i had had a very long day, hadn't slept well for a few nights since i am trying to transition to sleeping in a bed rather than a recliner again, and all *i* wanted to do was to go crash into the nearest place i could relax. But guess what. This life isn't all about what *i* want, in the least.

Padrone is amazingly caring and giving. Yes, that makes me want to serve and please Him all the more, especially when i feel like it! But last night i didn't feel like it, and He knew it. When i was asked if there were some problem, response is the only one that a slave can give. i said something like "no problem, for a slave".

And that is my point. Here is what happened....

i haven't served Him in the specific way i did last night in so long that there were some things i didn't think of ahead of time, potential problems that i expressed via email and texts after we got offline. And there was a wait from the time we got offline until we talked on the phone, and that was the hardest time of all, i really wanted to sleeeeeeep!

When i called Him, it wasn't easy for me to do even the pleasurable for me things He allowed. But i did, and i did enjoy them......even begging to cum as i did, for as long as He needed to hear my desperate voice begging for release....NOW i'm all squirmy thinking about it, but last night i just wanted

(Btw, i'm NOT at my best when my bed is calling, could y'all tell?)

Then came the time i knew was coming. There is one specific way that Padrone loves for me to suffer for Him, it is something that we have done often in the past, and which we scene online often, but i have only felt this once in the past 3 months or so because of my shoulder. So i knew that it would be a very, very difficult time for me, mentally....

And i was right. Padrone knew it, and He granted me mercy by not making me beg for something that He knew i didn't really want.....He honored my honesty in that way... because He knew that, had He wanted it, i would have begged anyway....

But i suffered....burning and filled and clamped......vibe buzzing, increasing it all....and i sobbed and pleaded.....until He gained His satisfaction......and then He allowed me release.....from the intense pain, even though there were lingering effects.....and i did have to beg to get off the phone and leave...because after that i was totally exhausted....i mean totally......

And so i was able to do what so many submissives give lip service to. i was able to fully and deeply submit to my Master. And i guess the cliche is true......if it is done when it is easy, it's not real submission. It really IS easy to "submit" to what we want to do anyway, and it is easy to "submit" when we are rewarded for it. But when it becomes a situation that is truly for HIS pleasure alone (yes, i was allowed to cum, and yes it was pleasurable, but it wasnt't what *i* wanted - *i* wanted bed, remember?)....then it usually becomes a problem.

i am so very glad that Padrone chose to use me last night. i am glad that He needed what only i can give Him, and that He allowed me to express pure submission to Him last night. That is exactly what it was. There was no motive of pleasure on my part, even secondary pleasure. i didn't WANT to do the things He needed me to do. But i did, for the sole reason that He needed for me to do them. His pleasure is utmost in my life, far above my own, and i am not talking about the pain of a scene, that usually is pleasurable to slaves in their service.

That, to me, is what submission is. That is my role as slave, and it is my duty to my Padrone. i give Him my all....sometimes i must show it.

Thank You, Padrone, for giving me that show You just how deeply i submit to You. i selfishly wish i could have given more. i selfishly wish i could have done it with an attitude that allowed me to gain deep pleasure from Your use as well. But the point wasn't my pleasure, and i thank You that You did allow me to give even without my selfish interests being met. i am honored, Padrone, that You allowed me to serve You, purely because of my role as Your slave.

i am Yours.

Monday, May 28, 2007


i guess my post about D/s and love got us both thinking, because Padrone and i have had a couple of discussions about that topic since it appeared in my blog. One thing y'all should know is that we seldom discuss things i type here BEFORE it appears online. i don't know why, maybe it's because this IS my blog, and these ARE my thoughts, and maybe i want to keep that perspective as much as Padrone does.

But this time i just can't let go of the idea of needs being met in any relationship, specifically D/s because that is what we live. Last night Padrone and i talked about our relationship BEYOND the D/s, just a little bit. i was surprised by His thoughts, which i won't share completely, but basically what He was saying was that we meet each other's needs for a mate, and D/s is merely a way to express it. i totally agree, but....

Somehow there are unexplored thoughts still. How did we come to BE those people to one another? How did we move from a more....traditional...D/s relationship, into a soulmate kind of relationship? (mushy, yes, oh well.) What made me realize that i am able to be the woman Padrone needs in His life? What made Him understand that He is the man i need in my life? How did the expression of needs move from "Master" and "slave" into "man" and "woman"?

Maybe i can explain a little about my thoughts using a tool that i have used elsewhere for other things:

i am a proponent of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.It is usually presented in a visual in the shape of a pyramid, and his thoughts were that the majority of people were striving to meet the bottom level of the pyramid, and as those needs were met, we move to the next level. i do agree with that idea, although i don't believe it is quite that straightforward for most of us. i know i seem to be chasing a rabbit here, but please bear with me if you will....

From the "bottom" of the pyramid, or the most basic of human needs, here are what Maslow defined as needs in the order in which they "must" be met: (the first two really don't relate to Padrone and me, and so i am merely going to list them without comment, believe it or not)

1. Biological and Physiological needs.

2. Safety needs.

3. Belongingness and Love needs.

Here's where things begin to get a little "tricky" for me, and for others, based on actions i have witnessed. Here is where i would add some sort of ... specific definition, clarification.

Belongingness and love, to me, are....points along the same path, not necesssarily the same points on a larger path. There can be no love without the sense of belonging. There can be a sense of belonging without love, of course, and so i believe that belonging must come first, love is one of those things that grows out of belonging. Actually, i would have labeled this a bit more specifically....i honestly think that the belongingness is more clearly defined as a need to be needed. It is only when one feels that He/she is NEEDED in the life of another, that the sense of belonging can even happen, much less love.

Alright, now i am going to begin to discourse with a bit more detail, and a bit more personally. Padrone and i love one another, and as i said in an earlier post, most of that is because we meet needs for one another. We could not have defined that in the beginning, of course, although it was present from the earliest interactions. Then it was just that we somehow knew that we were right for each other....that we enjoyed something about the other's company and the way we related to one another, so much that we each defied what we truly thought we were in order to have a relationship with one another.

We met needs, we realized that there was a part of us that did belong to the other, and we finally came to accept and cherish that fact. We came to love one another beyond the initial "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feelings we initially had. That is the kind of thing that fades with familiarity. The knowledge that we belong to one another deeply and uniquely won't fade. It is what keeps the "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feeling strong!

i know that may sound strange, but this is a much better, more detailed explanation of what i have said before - the D/s came first, then the love. It is more that we saw how well we met each other's needs, and spent more and more time together because of that, and accepted how deeply we belong to one another as trust grew.....and defined the emotions that naturally began to be felt and noticed and expressed as "love".

Yes, i said it first. What did y'all expect?!?

4. Esteem needs.

When i think of esteem needs, i think of feeling worthy of belonging, and that can only happen if the feelings of worth come from both inside and outside. That is, in my opinion, why it is a very moot point when a submissive says "i am not worthy" and the Dom says "it isn't your opinion that matters". It very much IS her opinion that matters, and it is the Dom's duty to change that opinion of how she perceives the value He places on her. i can be totally bombarded with what Padrone considers proof of how highly He values me, with words or actions, but until *i* change my perception and finally accept His "proof" as what it is, then His esteem of me doesn't affect my self-esteem whatsoever. When in a relationship, one's esteem HAS to be validated by both sources, or there will always be a conflict, and there can never be a satisfying relationship.

Now, i have to say that this is probably the MOST difficult thing i have ever struggled with. i have a "past" as do so many women who identify themselves as submissives, and that "past" wreaked havoc with my self-esteem. It made it hard to trust the acceptance i saw so clearly from Padrone, even after i told Him about my history. When i finally began to accept His high opinion of me, i was able to move to the self-esteem issues that had to be dealt with in order for the relationship to have moved from "blah" to full and rich and satisfying. Padrone calls it my "leap of faith". Maybe it was. All i know is that i knew there was more, and that even though He owned another slave (yes, i did begin to work on my self-esteem while being owned by a Master who owned another slave. THAT was why this is the most difficult thing i have ever struggled with) - even though He did, i needed more from Him. The only way i could GET more was to give more. The only way to give more was to trust that He wanted more from me, and to trust that what i gave was what He wanted. i had to believe that His life was richer for my presence, and then choose to believe that my presence could enrich it even more.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Believe it or not, i do agree that other needs must be met before this one can be met. Noone who has unresolved needs to belong or with self-esteem, for instance, can ever realize their personal potential. i couldn't even see that i HAD potential for the longest time, much less try to find ways to meet it. Self-fulfillment was for those that deserved it, all i deserved was to be treated as poorly as i always had been (poor me, i know). Personal growth was a joke, i literally used to laugh at it and say "i'm too big already, i don't need to grow any more!". And my peak experience was when i went to the top of Pike's Peak years ago.

But How all that has changed. i still have problems seeing my own potential, but i truly think we all do. And i will always ask Padrone "do You think i can?" regarding any new thought or venture that i might be interested in. i have discovered that self-fulfillment, for me, is nothing more than being true to myself, the self i have discovered and allowed to bloom for Padrone and because of His care and proteciveness. i have grown as a woman......well, even Padrone, months ago, said that He felt that He owned a woman, rather than still owning a girl. It is more than maturing, it is really learning, discovering, who i am and how best to express it, within the safety of belonging to such a man as Padrone. i do believe that it can and should happen outside relationships for those who are unowned, but i also know it is incredibly difficult. As someone told me long ago, and which i never truly did more than give lip service to....our greatest source of validation of our worth, lies inside our own skin.

And peak experiences....

i will NOT disclose them in any detail, but Padrone....You know what i refer to....when You call me by my real name....when it is just You and me....Padrone and schiava....Master and slave....Man and woman....naked, vulnerable emotionally, yet so safe with each other that there is no risk, only deep satisfaction ....deep fulfillment....we have become, in Maslow's words, self-actualized. We are the best we can be, with each other.

And that says it all, Padrone. i am the best woman i know how to be, as Your woman. You are the man for me, the one who can and does meet my needs so well (even of this needy schiava). Because You do....i can meet Yours...

You said that You wanted a woman to make You feel adored, to be so devoted to You, to make You feel....well i won't say what You said, but basically You need to feel like the very best man on the face of the earth. i believe You are, and so i meet those needs naturally, allowing You to move beyond and into the "higher" needs, which we also meet for one another. That is the entire point - the one You said first last night. It is who we are as people that meets the needs of each other, and who we are, what we need, is best expressed through D/s.

i am proud to be Yours, Padrone, and proud of You as well. Thank You, my Love.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

What makes US work

i've heard and read a lot of discussions about whether or not an exclusively long distance relationship can work, specifically a D/s relationship. Now, i know i am biased, but i think my response is yes, of course, just as successfully as a face-to-face relationship can work. Maybe the question isn't "IF" but rather "HOW"....

Well, as everyone who reads this blog, and those who frequent the IRC channel we frequent know, Padrone and i are in a long distance relationship. i have been His for almost 2 years. Yes, it seems impossible to so many, but for us it has never seemed .... strange.

How can this work? i mean, we aren't just long distance, we are on different continents! We come from different cultures, speak different native languages! Talk about obstacles! He is so very male, and i mean that in the best possible way - lol. But whoever wrote that book about Mars and Venus had gender differences pegged!

For us, there have been so many key things that have allowed us to progress and grow to the point that we are now.

1. Communication, communication, communication! Women, this does NOT mean deep discussions about feelings and emotions constantly. Nor does it mean talking about what works for you and what doesn't. Men, that does NOT mean totally ignoring the dreaded "e" word (emotions, for those who can't even THINK it!). Nor does it mean constantly discussion various sex or BDSM issues either.

So what DOES it mean? Basically, it means discussing life, interests, dislikes, laughing, teasing, apologizing, learning who the other person is, outside of the role in the relationship. i mean, no matter HOW submissive i am, if my personality grated on Padrone's nerves, i would not be His....and vice versa. It means scening, talking about what works and what doesn't (although i honestly can only remember a couple of times a scene didn't work, and those were my fault, my expectations weren't met) .... which leads me to the next point....

2. Have realistic expectations. NOBODY can be available 24/7, i don't care if you're talking online or face-to-face relationships. Everyone has a life, and as i said to Padrone the other day, life happens on both sides. Neither party can be constantly at the other's beck and call. i can't realistically expect to call Padrone and have Him drop everything in order to "be there" for me.

Now, if there was a reason for that to happen, like immediately after Katrina, or the night i was so upset after reading the negative things His ex-slave had put in her /whois, then yes....that's different. And of course, as Master, He has more expectations in that than i do. However, if He knows i am out with my kids, and He sent a text telling me to's one of those "sorry but no deal" situations. i can joke about that because i know He would never do that intentionally. If He ever did ask something of me that would put me in danger, either emotionally or physically, then of course He would not have done so intentionally, nor would He expect me to obey. But i would have to have a good reason for it. And THAT is what i mean by realistic expectations.

That isn't just in availability either. i don't expect every conversation to end with "i love you". Now that seems like a small thing to some, and a huge thing to others. But it isn't Padrone's way. Yes, i have learned to change my own expectations, and in doing so, i have learned other things....that i will discuss later. Other realistic expectations are to be conscious of differences in time, routine, sleep needs, work schedules, and who lives in the same house with the other person. So many things that have to just be ACCEPTED. One can't go into any relationship and expect the other person to change His/her entire life to fit into yours. While that may seem quite romantic, and while it might seem somehow to fit into a Dom's right to demand or expect of a sub....or of a sub to think "if He loves me He will...." - what it is is pure hogwash.

3. Wash the hogwash, drop the bs. Be yourself, no matter who you are. State what you can and can't do quite clearly, and never bite off more than you can chew. Never promise what you can't deliver, and never demand what can't be promised. If your partner is married, don't expect them to act single. If you are married, be up front and honest about what you can give, what the other person can expect. Be brutally honest if necessary. Do NOT present yourself as "supersubbie" or "SuperDomlyOne" if that isn't who you are. If you aren't submissive, but merely looking for the power rush of having Doms drool after you, then keep it there. If You aren't Dominant, merely looking for kinky sex, then be satisfied with that. Find out what you want, and never EVER promise more than you can give.

4. Learn what you want. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. When Padrone and i met, i would have sworn that i would NEVER wear a man's collar again. i was looking for escape from myself, from my failures, and the feedback i got as a whore who scened well was balm for my aching heart, or what bit of it i allowed to be seen anyway. Padrone didn't even know He wanted more than He had in His other slave. We began with simply scening, but our craving for some unnamed "MORE" was too great to be ignored. What we wanted was what we have now found in each other, but neither of us would have admitted it then. It took each of us being open for change, for the chance to learn about ourselves and each other in a deeper way, for us to even begin a relationship.

5. Be flexible. The other evening i made a choice that i didn't think Padrone would have a problem with, since i know Him and how He feels about certain things, but it took our time online away from us that evening. He missed me, i missed Him, but it was the right choice for me and my situation. He could have put His foot down and ordered me to not do what i had chosen to do, He could have been demanding and inflexible, and i am sure that, had He really needed to be with me, He might have done it although i can't even imagine it. But He didn't. He was flexible, as i have to be at times, although i try hard to schedule my life around our opportunities to spend time together, whether online or on the phone. It isn't always possible, and if He weren't understanding, it wouldn't be possible for us to have a relationship.

6. Honesty at all costs. A long distance relationship is based, just as strongly as a face-to-face relationship, on trust. Trust can NOT happen without honesty allowing it to be built. There is nothing more to say on this one.

7. Let the other person be who He/she is. Padrone and i had a discussion about this earlier today. If i hadn't been able to learn to look at what He does, and see His expressions of love in His actions, rather than getting upset because He doesn't say the words "i love you" often, then we would have failed long, long ago. He has learned to accept so many things about me as well. Some things i have changed for His pleasure, but some i can't change, and He has been wise enough to see that. Some things HE has changed, although i doubt He would admit it, but some things He adamantly refuses to change, and i would be foolish to get upset about that. i won't forget asking Him once why He started freely giving the reassurance that i would always beg for, when He began with the attitude that He said it once, i shouldn't NEED more than that. He said something to the effect that He realized that i needed it, and that i wouldn't stop needing it, and so He chose to give it to me. Guess what. i don't need it nearly as much now.

Nor will i forget what He said earlier today. He said that when a woman realizes how a man expresses His feelings and "allows" Him the freedom to express them that way, instead of expecting Him to express them in ways that are unnatural to Him....then He will be freed to express Himself more and more. And guess what? i have seen it, felt it, and i know it to be true.

8. Be diligent, yet respectful. For me, that means working hard to keep my errant emotions in check, keeping Padrone alert of problems i am having, to try to avoid more serious issues. BUT, i have a private blog that i use to convey these things. i try hard not to blindside Him with "EMOTIONS" all the time, or "PROBLEMS" when we first see each other. Sometimes i fail in that, but i have improved dramatically in this area, even i admit that!

On His part, this means keeping me on my toes in terms of my obedience, and the more rules He has in place, the more diligence is needed on His part to do so. i used to think, when He questioned if i did that He was questioning my obedience out of distrust. But i know, now, that He is merely doing His job as my Master and making sure i haven't forgotten one of the rules. He never does so in a challenging or demeaning manner....usually it is when the D/s is strongly evident, and His questions serve to send me even more deep into my submissive state.

9. Be open to the D/s interaction, even when not in the "mood". i am slave, just as if i were living in the same house. If i lived with Him and He called me to serve, or to even have a conversation, i would drop everything and go to Him. Why we would expect differently simply because we type rather than speak, or because we speak on the phone rather than face-to-face, i don't know. This one is more to the subs, although i would caution Doms as well - never assume that the role You have chosen to live in can be shed entirely. That may be just the night that Your sub of choice might need to be punished, or have reason to be held in check. It HAS to happen sometimes when we aren't in the mood for it. What would You do, turn the computer off and leave her hanging, to in effect be her own Dom? What does she need YOU for, in that case?

10. Assume the best. THIS is the hardest one for me, or it used to be. i used to be the worst about making the worst possible interpretation about everything that happened. Now i take my initial reaction and flip it, and assume THAT is the case, rather than what my "bad wolf" would have me believe. This comes more naturally to Padrone, i think, but it is a lesson i am trying hard to keep in practice. He DID have His moments, however, when He would assume the worst about me....but that time is long past...thankfully!

For Padrone and me, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, trust, commitment, communication, and more trust. Tonight Padrone proved it once more, the trust and commitment that He has for me. He once more showed His love for me in ways that aren't typical expressions of love for a woman, but which mean an incredible amount to me, because i know how He expresses Himself now. And yes, i value His actions, and His love, highly.

Thank You, Padrone, for the faith, the trust, the love You show me daily. i am honored to be owned by such a man as You.

D/s and love

i've been told that i have a true "slave's heart", and i think i understand what that means. i believe it describes my insatiable desire to please and be found pleasing, to mold myself to Padrone's will and to become the person He would have me to be. i have grown as His slave, as He has allowed me to understand (as He began to be able to express with more detail) the kind of slave His heart has always longed for. i have to agree with that assessment of my personality, actually. i have a true "slave's heart" by that definition.

But i also believe that when we use the term "true Dom" or "real Dom", we refer to someone who has a "Master's heart". This is a bit more difficult for me to discuss, since i don't fully grasp the mentality of a Dom. But what i *think* this would describe, based on what i have experienced and read and learned from discussions with others, is the personality that .... needs to be served, not for the service itself, but for the expression of devotion...of utter and absolute adoration...of unconditional acceptance of Him and His desires...that the service represents.

A Master values the slave's need to please, and a Dom with a "Master's heart" is one that a "true slave" will move heaven and earth to please. She will give all she is, and all she has, in order to serve, to please, to fulfill His smallest desire. She will search her heart and mind for new ways to give herself to Him, for new ways to show her utter devotion. And a "true Dom" will value her, not for the actions that so beautifully show her for what she is, but rather for the person she reveals herself to be through those actions.

i call this love. Of course, my definition of love differs vastly from society's definition of love. Love, to me, isn't based on how good the other person makes us feel. Love is based on how well they meet our needs, even those we don't know we have. For some, the desire to feel special every moment overrides everything else in their life, and when that feeling fades, as it does naturally, so does their "love". For me, love is the knowledge that i would be totally crippled without Padrone in my life, because of the needs He meets for me. And i honestly believe that He feels the same way about me, although He may not have wanted me to state that publicly! That kind of love does not fade easily nor quickly.

Some say love by my definition can't happen between Master and slave. Some say that if a Master falls in love with His slave, He runs the risk of romanticizing the relationship, and no longer treating her as a slave. i say that a deep, abiding, D/s relationship can't happen without love being present. i say that for a "true Master" and a "true slave", even a "vanilla" relationship would not be such....while they may act as equals, they would both know that it is only because He wished for it to be that way, and that any change in His desire or need would change the dynamic of the relationship. She would be serving Him by being His partner, if that is what He needed for her to be.

And yes, that is how the relationship is between Padrone and me. i would literally become whoever He needed for me to become. i would learn to Top another submissive, if He wished it. i would learn to be with a woman, if He wished it. i would serve every Dom who wished to use me, if He wished it. i would be Topped by another slave if He wished it. And i would be His partner in our relationship if He wished it. And the willingness to please Him with all i have, and with all i am, is what He needs from me, no matter the physical or mental things He asks. He may ask things i might feel are impossible for me to perform, and yet i will do them to the best of my ability. He knows this, and since that is the kind of slave He needs, He loves me for it, not in spite of it.

So i know that love HAS to be present in a successful D/s relationship. If it isn't, then relationships are based on actions, and appreciation is expressed based on how well a person performs expected actions rather than who a person is. Everyone will fail to meet His/her partner's expectations at some point in a relationship. Do we "fall out of love" because of disappointments, because someone's actions failed to meet our expectations and desires? Just something to ponder....

i have vowed to be the best slave to my Master that i can be. Padrone, as i have said so very often, You know my heart. You know the depths of my submission, how true a slave i am. And i know Yours. i know what You need to find Your own fulfillment, and i know the depths of Your need to control. i know just how true a Master You are. And just as Your control has freed me to simply be who i am with no hesitation or need to hide any part of myself, so has my deep surrender to Your will, expressing my absolute, unconditional acceptance of every part of You that You have shown to me, freed You to be who You are, with no hesitation or need to hide any part of Yourself.

i am so grateful that we have been allowed, by whatever forces control such things, to have found one another. Thank You, Padrone, for expressing Your "Master's heart", through such deep ownership and control of Your slave. i am Yours....forever.

Friday, May 25, 2007

i am....

i am called by many names. i have real names that i am called, different nicknames by various people as well. i am submissive woman. i have been called bitch, cunt, slut, whore, etc, by many many men.

But who am i really?

i am called schiava by the one who owns me and has the right to name me as He wishes. He calls me titty, troia, vacca, now and then cagna. i am slave, owned, controlled as i never dreamed possible. i am ass-fucking whore, fuckpig, His slut, His bitch in heat, humping whore for my Padrone. i am adoring, worshipping slave, devoted to Him, to His pleasure, to His needs being met, to Him. i am mushy, needy, silly, hormonal, difficult. i am loving and loved, totally surrendered and equally as controlled. i am His fiore, His southern flower, opening...revealing myself only to Him. i am His, in everything i am.

i am still learning who i am. But i have been given freedom to be whoever i find out i am, as i discover more and more about myself. His bonds, the bonds that make rope and leather weak...useless, free me so totally.

Oh Padrone, thank You for giving me the structure, the framework in which to live, so that i may be so totally free to surrender to totally free to be slave, the slave i am. The more deeply You own me, the more freedom i am granted. Thank You, my Owner, for the freedom to be who i am.

Because, to put it simply, i am simply Yours...whatever, whoever You want me to be, because You want me to be myself to the fullest extent that i can. Who i am is who You want for me to be. The perfect circle.

What an amazing Padrone owns me. i love You, my Master, more than these words could ever convey. Thank You for owning me so very beautifully.

Holding Fast

i have done a lot of thinking and typing lately about how lucky i am that Padrone held fast, that He didn't turn away even when it would have been far easier for Him to have done so. i am incredibly lucky that He is the kind of man He is, that His commitment is so deep to the one He knows was born to be His slave, even if she did make a huge mistake recently. Oh how fortunate i am to belong to this man, who never seems to lose sight of who i am, who doesn't let one action override an entire relationship. He judges me based on who He knows i am, and He views my actions as just that, and does so fairly, even if i think He isn't fair at the time.

And i know exactly what that means, y'all. The gratitude that i feel for belonging to such a man as my Padrone is true and deep, and so very strong. i KNOW my fotrune, and i know that if He didn't feel i am worthy, that i am the perfect slave for Him, that He would never have held onto me so hard, so tightly. He would have let me go, let my actions be the end that i dreaded they would be. But i also would never have worn His collar for as long as i have, had He been the kind of man who would do that over even such a huge mistake when i make so few major ones.

And i guess that brings me to the other side of the coin. i seldom recognize any worth in myself, i think partly because i know that who i am has truly been allowed to be shown, because of who i belong to. i know that i am the slave i am today because of the Master who has so patiently and lovingly taught me how to submit more and more fully to Him. He longed for deeper control, and taught me how to accept and respond to it. Well, maybe not respond to it, since i was literally begging for more and more and more But He taught me how to be His slave. He provided safety so that i could be His flower, and open to Him as if to the sun. That was so wonderful after such a difficult time as we had recently.

But y'all know what? *i* held fast too, even when it seemed as if i was pushing Him away. i don't have a great history for sticking around when the going gets tough, because i always expect to be left when i screw up. Yes, i know how wrong that is, and i know that is why i get so upset with every mistake. i know that's why i close myself when i wait for punishment. And this time i closed myself off to a huge degree, the walls were so high i couldn't see any way for them to fall again. And it was mainly because i kept waiting for more.

But even though my instinct was to run, i didn't. i held fast to Him, to us. i didn't feel that i was worthy of His ownership anymore. i didn't feel that i was the slave He deserved anymore. But it wasn't *me* that He was judging, it was my behavior. It took me a very long time to see and accept that. He kept saying it in various ways, but i couldn't hear it.

But finally i began to hear, and to trust that what He said really was true, and that who i had always known Him to be really WASN'T too good to be true. i didn't run. Had i run away, i would never have known that such a man as Padrone truly does exist, and truly does want me, love me, need me. ME. All of me. The bad things will happen, it is part of life. But for the first time, i am loved by someone who truly believes that i am worth sticking around for, even during the hard times, even when those hard times are caused by me.

i did something against my very nature. i did something that i am proud of myself for. i stuck around to see the good things, the things i honestly thought only existed in fairy tales.

i held fast to my Padrone's strength, even after i had delivered a blow to it... and He allowed me to. What a beautiful thing.

i am truly blessed. No....we both are. i am Yours, my Padrone. So Yours.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Vindictiveness and childishness

This is one post that i have to be very careful how i word, since the last thing i want is to make anyone feel singled out or as if i am being vindictive or childish myself. The entire point of this post is a general statement about these two traits, which unfortunately seem to multiply like bacteria in a petri dish, among people who hang out in online chat rooms.

Yes, i've been on the receiving end of someone's childish vindictiveness recently. But what bothers me most about that entire situation isn't that i have been targeted by someone with an agenda, nor even that i only suspect what that agenda might be. What bothers me most is that it isn't an isolated event, and it is taken so seriously, and things i have said or done that were in no way designed to be offensive, became "channel issues". It happens with others as well, i have noticed, even if i have never been involved in any way other than observer, and occasionally i have been asked why someone has a problem with the person asking. i try hard to stay out of channel "politics" and so i rarely know, and wouldn't say even if i did know.

What i have seen is that submissives get "upset" or "offended" by things that are said in channel......or even "see" things and "wonder" about them....and then take them to a Dominant, who only gets part of the story. So, instead of two people who have a problem with each other, working things out amongst themselves (the mature and responsible thing to do, but the thing that brings less attention to the discord), other people become involved, innocent people who truly have no axe to grind either way.

Now why is this dangerous? Well, it is more than Topping from the bottom on the part of submissive who complains, although it is quite obviously that as well. It is also blatant manipulation of Doms, and an obvious attempt to discredit the person with whom they have a problem to others in the channel. THAT is the danger of this kind of thing. What seems to be forgotten, as usually is, is that there are real people behind the nicks in a chat room. When one discredits a nick, one is actually attempting to discredit a person that they probably have never spoken with, don't even know a real name for, and have no idea about the actual person ....... they just don't like what is said or done in a chat room.

So, what is wrong with this? It really IS just a chat room after all, isn't it?

When it becomes personal, then it becomes more than a chat room issue. It is an issue about people. And for someone to use chat room chatter in an attempt to make a person look bad....even to the point of assigning thoughts and feelings to that person that have never been there....then it goes beyond "having a problem" then becomes slander. Vindictive, childish, slander.

Now i feel better, i have vented my thoughts regarding this phenomenon that i have seen far too often. i have talked with Padrone about it until i know He is sick of hearing about And i guess there was still more venting to be done, so i chose this forum in which to do it. i will state, once again, and FOR THE RECORD: This post is not aimed at anyone in particular, nor is it intended in any way to be taken personally by anyone. It is a general rant. If you choose to take it as an attack, then maybe you should think about your reasons for feeling that way....

Padrone, i seldom use this blog for this kind of purpose, but as You have repeatedly said, this is my blog, and i type it for me....and for You (which You never say, but i do). You know my heart, and You know that i have no intention to hurt anyone, to harm anyone. i have even questioned how i worded things here, because the last thing i ever wanted was to hurt someone with my words.

You also know that i am passionate about unfair treatment (except by You of course - hehehe), and that i despise childishness to the point of ignoring those who exhibit it. You KNOW where this post came from, and You also know that i mean absolutely no disrespect nor any "jabs" at anyone with my words here.

And You know what, Padrone? i finally have reached the point of believing what You have said before, even if not in so many words: If anyone has a problem with what i type here, then they have an open invitation to not read anymore of my words. :D

Thank You, Padrone, for helping me to gain a perspective on things that is far more healthy and peaceful than how i have always seen things. i can't promise to keep it, because it is very new, but i do promise to try my hardest to do so.

*kiss for the one who Owns me so deeply and with such deep contentment*

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

a semblance of normality

Actually, i had decided i wouldn't type here anymore. But i finally realized again that i blog for myself, and for my Master, and so i will continue to do so. i do sometimes need a place to type things out. :)

There isn't a lot to type, not for public consumption at any rate. i am not being punished any longer. Padrone surprised me once by granting mercy when i begged for it, and a second time for ending the punishment earlier than He had proposed when He granted mercy. i have the most wonderful Padrone out there.

So now, we have been working on getting everything back to normal. It's impossible to be fully normal now of course, but slowly i am recovering, and slowly things are getting back where they should be. i was able to serve Him with pain for the first time in longer than i can even remember specifically, the other night. Talk about deeply emotional, and so incredibly felt so right, finally. There had been such a hole inside me, one that i knew i couldn't help because i didn't WANT to be injured, and i definitely didn't want to have such a long drawn-out recovery.

i am alright now, i think, with the unfairness of how my injury has affected Padrone. i struggled with that for a long time, my inability to serve as i have been, for such a long time. i KNOW it has been difficult for Him, but He has been so careful not to enhance my feelings of inadequacy by dwelling on His need. Believe me, i dwell on it enough for both of us!

But since i am able to use both hands to type, finally, scening online has become an option again. That helped, i know. But hearing His wishes.....hearing my reactions... those things are so necessary now, so indespensible,and there is simply no substitute for it at all. So yes, it feels as if things are finally coming back to normal now, even though it will probably be a while before i can do some things He loves. But what there IS, is still amazing and beautiful and so intense....why think about what isn't there? i will recover, things will be added once more, in their own time.

i am so grateful, Padrone, for so much that You do, and things that You don't do as well. You take great care of me, You protect me so tenderly, even when i don't see it. i am humbled by Your care, Padrone, and i am unutterably grateful for the way You own me. Grazie, my Master.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Post surgery

Alright, another update.

i'm still healing. i'm still in a sling, even though the stitches are out. The movement, the range of motion, is very limited still, which i expected. i take the sling off now and then to type, usually when Padrone is online in the evenings, so i don't have to one-handed type all the time. i start physical therapy on Monday, and i go 3 times a week for 4 weeks, until i go back to the doctor. i go back to work next week, i'm getting out of the sling, except if i need it, i can use it. The first few shifts will probably be pretty difficult.

The biggest frustrations outside my relationship with Padrone? Using the bathroom, not being able to open bottles, having to get up if i need something off the table to the right hand side of my chair, and sleeping in the recliner. It's hard not being able to even pull my pants up alone. Styling my hair is impossible, and makeup with my left hand looks dreadful, so my daughter has been my stylist lately. Yes, it is as scary as it sounds. Not being able to drive myself has also been frustrating. Those are a few of the frustrations.

In our relationship, this surgery and all its ..... need for compromise and downright lifting of restrictions has come at the exact wrong moment. i am being punished, and all the emotions of surgery and the aftermath have compounded that dramatically. So all of it probably lasted longer than it might have otherwise.

And the PT hasn't even begun yet. i have been told that it will take 12 weeks before the shoulder itself is completely healed, and that it will be 4-6 months for me to regain full strength and range of motion afterwards. So it will be a long term thing, but worth it in the long run i'm sure. i have honestly regretted having it done a few times since April 20.

So, that's where it stands now. Padrone has been wonderful through this, far more wonderful than i deserve, but i am so humbly proud that He loves to take care of me as much as He possibly can from so far away. We are both thinking of ways that express the D/s...alternates to what we have done for so long, but which give us both some relief. Things are slowly changing back to normal. And i know that all of what happened hasn't been easy on Him either, but i tend to forget that at times when i dwell on what i am going through myself.

Padrone, thank You for all You have done for me through all this situation, and for all You will still have to put up with until things are back to normal for us. i am so blessed, so lucky, to belong to You.



Well, i'm back, somewhat.

i'm still being punished, as is obvious to others mostly by the nick i wear in channel. No, there will be no "clues" given here as to why i am being punished. So if that is why you are reading today, you might as well save some time and close the window. :)

i'm a bit ... bitter, i guess is the most accurate to how others have reacted to my public punishment. Submissives should know that a public punishment is a very serious one, and i guess i thought others would be empathetic rather than judgemental of me, or my Master, and think only of themselves and how *my* being punished affected *them*. So i couldn't talk for a while. Big deal. i deserved a severe punishment. It really wasn't about you, even though i understand that some think everything around them is about them.

And the Doms. Oh my god, i have never SEEN such! The punishment was set into place by my Master, for me. The details were never made public, and all y'all knew was that i had to go into channel with that nick and greet folks, and that i was totally restricted from serving anyone other than Padrone. But what gave *y'all* the right to judge, to pry, to humiliate, or to enforce YOUR will on me simply because i am being punished? i belong to One, not to all, no matter WHICH nick i wear.

And the way folks would treat me..and then be totally different when Padrone was in channel. Why? Because y'all knew that HE wouldn't put up with it, even if i was in a position that i could say nothing to anyone about it. i call that cowardice and bullying, even on the part of the submissives who did that kind of thing. And the pleasure others took in my punishment...especially slaves,although some Doms seemed quite happy with it as well...i don't understand it, but that is because (as Padrone has told me often) i am simply not that way. It would never even DAWN on me to belittle someone, to judge her or her Master, based on the fact that *i* don't like what is happening, when i have not been told any details whatsoever!

But then again, i really do understand that there are some folks who can only feel good about themselves when they make others feel bad, or at least "look" bad. i just didn't expect how many showed that tendency in one channel in irc.

So, i guess the point of this post is to vent a little, and to let y'all know that i won't always wear that nick. And yet because of the actions of many folks in that channel, judging someone you don't know, ridiculing and demeaning, trying to undermine her feelings for her Master...the titty{F} that returns will be a bit different than the one that left.

As i said to Padrone this morning....the vulnerable place i was put into was not in my control. The actions of others are not in my control. But my own actions are. And believe me, it has taken every ounce of control to be gracious and polite when in that channel, more often than it should.

And those of You who might see my changed nick, my punishment, as a time of weakness in our relationship, and choose to flirt with my Padrone...go ahead. *smile* You will get as far as you deserve to get.

One of the things that happens to us, usually, after i do something to deserve punishment is that we come through that time far stronger than we went into it. That is sometimes hard to believe because we have a very strong relationship already. But the bonds that bind us together are doing nothing but strengthening, even though i made quite a serious mistake. Padrone understands the concept of punishment far better than i do, and usually the most lingering problem is me forgiving myself for doing something to deserve it.

Now we are closer than we have ever been, even though i am still being punished. It took some time go get here, yes. But the fact remains that what we have is far stronger than even i realized, and i have no doubt that others have no idea because they *are* on the outside looking in.

There are no words, Padrone, to say what we feel. We said a lot last night. Your words are held close to my heart....and i can't express the loving devotion that Your words evoked in me. You alone have access, have vision, into places nobody else ever will. Yes, this fiore opens solely for You.

sono il fiore del Padrone.