On the "Breaking" Bandwagon

There is an ongoing discussion in a couple of the blogs that I read concerning breaking a submissive. I'm going to speak about that for a little bit, then I have a couple of other thoughts that I will share today.

I usually don't feel compelled to comment on what others are discussing in their blogs and comments. But this topic struck a major chord with me, and so I just wanted to share my own thoughts about it.

Lucky y'all.

First, this is my opinion, and only my opinion. If your opinion differs, wonderful! But know up front that I am not making any sort of comment that should be taken as anything other than strictly my opinion.

With that being said, I will just jump right in. I've seen where others have compared "breaking" a submissive with breaking a horse (which means training the horse to be ridden). I have seen where some have compared being "broken" with being beyond their own control, beyond thought, beyond themselves. But for me, a broken person is....emotionally damaged. Their spirit is broken. They have been harmed emotionally, simply because someone wanted them to change and they did not have the emotional or physical resources to prevent it from happening.

In my opinion, "breaking" a submissive is abuse, because of the definition I have given...the definition that is how *I* think of a "broken" person.

There is what I call a "victim's mentality" that is so pervasive in an abused person's psyche that it is extremely dangerous and allows abusers to do whatever they will with and to that person. I have seen more broken women and children in my life than I care to think about.

But I also own horses, and watched one of them being "broken" to ride. If one wants to compare the breaking of a horse to the "breaking" of a woman, then one must really understand that "breaking" a horse is nothing more than training a horse to trust that when a person gets on his back, that he has a job to do and will simply do it - that the rider will not harm him or cause him damage. The problem is the technique - it can be done cruelly in which the horse obeys out of fear, or it can be done through trust, after which the horse has a totally different personality that if he is trained through fear.

There are many, many ways to guide a submissive....to give her the control she craves...to help her learn self control and responsibility for her own actions without carrying the guilt of the world on her shoulders....to give her the structure (Padrone calls it a framework) for her life that helps her remain contained and controlled...without breaking her. Guide her, train her if you use that terminology, show her, help her....but look at what I typed....in my opinion, the guidance itself should be all about her.

Sounds backwards, doesn't it? But frankly, if a Dominant simply wanted "a" submissive, and not "the" submissive, then it wouldn't matter who wore his collar or knelt at his feet. So it should be about meeting her where she is, accepting her *as* she is, and guiding her into the best she can be. This can be done through building trust, accepting, loving....in other words, a positive manner...or it can be done through violence, intimidation, and fear. It happens out of the latter motives far, far too often.

I've seen others defining "breaking" as a totally different thing. It means something totally, absolutely different to them, and I call what they describe a totally different thing. I'm not commenting on those definitions, because they aren't my thoughts. I am simply typing what I feel and think about "breaking" a submissive as I define it.

And since my definition is what it is, it disturbs me at a very deep level to hear a submissive ask to be broken. I understand that craving for deeper, ever deeper, control and constraint. I understand the need to release all responsibility to the point that we don't have to think about anything, simply hear and obey and suffer no consequences unless we screw up. I understand that. I understand that need to be rescued and taken care of, to be forced rather than to admit that we need, what we need. But the bottom line is that we, none of us, can live that way for long.

If a submissive does not take responsibility for making choices for herself other than to relieve herself of all power, control, and responsibility, then she does not consent to be in a D/s relationship. That relationship is not consensual. It is not "TPE". It is not Master/slave. It is simply a submissive with a "victim mentality" who needs that control in her life but who does not want to face the consequences for anything negative that may happen in a relationship. She doesn't want to say "I need this" because if she did then she would have to take responsibility if she becomes involved with the "wrong" man, or if something happens that she really *doesn't* want. Or if she doesn't say "no" to something harmful....if she has been "broken" then she is absolved of all responsibility.

I am a firm believer that a person who can overcome that mentality and begin to truly take full responsibility for her life, even after she is in a D/s relationship (even moreso then - no excuses, just "man up" and take responsibility for screw ups), then she is one of the strongest people I have ever met. And I touched on just how difficult this kind of strength is in a previous post. This is the kind of strength that is hard, so hard, to accept about ourselves as submissives because it means we have no choice but to accept that kind of responsibility. That's exactly opposite of what we want, mostly.

But I have long said that we cannot give to someone else that which we do not have, whether it is control (as in self-control, and that's a topic for another blog post), responsibility, power, or whatever D/s is all about for you.

This is exactly why, to me, "breaking" a submissive leaves a "broken" person, and the obstacles that "broken" person must overcome in order to be healthy and happy, or as healthy and happy as she can be. Guide me, lead me, show me what you want, including the emotions and the attitudes you desire in me....but please, please do not break me. Leave me whole and healthy, and better than I was when you found me.

Padrone, these thoughts are likely not new to you, although I may not have ever expressed them just this way before. But once again you can see just how much I appreciate how you are, and why I am deeply grateful for how you have always treated me with utmost respect. You give all you have ever asked of me (except things in my ass, but hey, I'm not complaining!)...and have treated me as you expect to be treated. Padrone, one day you may get tired of me saying how grateful I am to be yours, but I am never going to tire of saying it, of feeling it, of showing you just how much you mean to me. No, I'm not one of those women who give all and feel eternal gratitude when someone is nice to her or treats her halfway decently. You are the one who has shown me who I can be and even who I am. I am grateful from a place of strength, my love, and not weakness. That makes me feel even more, ever more, grateful for the guidance and leadership you have given to me for all these years. I love you, Padrone. Forever.