Here, there and yonder

No explanation of "yonder" for y'all poor non-southerners, either. i know, i'm terrible. :)

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes it is good for me to simply take some time and think about things, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately it has been all of the above, frankly.

The ugly has mostly been relating to work and my injury and such. i'm tired of complaining about it, and i KNOW folks are tired of hearing about it, so i am going to leave that one alone here.

The bad has been about me, recently. i'm not talking about the old demons of self-doubt and related thoughts, but we all go through times of introspection, wondering if we are the best we can be at the point in time we are in. i know i am not, and sometimes i just kind of.....think about how i can improve who i am. The main conclusion i have come to is that i will stop expecting as much out of others as i do myself.

This seems like an easy thing to do, but for me it isn't. i am not sure why, but there is a part of me that tends to expect others to be fair, to be honest, and to be courteous and respectful even when they have bad things to say. i used to say "that's not too much to ask of anyone", but i have learned that it can, indeed, be too much to ask for some. So what i am doing is changing my expectations. i am not lowering them, per se, rather making myself less vulnerable to disappointment, and the stress that comes with it. Now how do i do that?

First, i have to realize, to accept, that what *i* see as fair, honest, courteous and respectful, isn't everyone's perception of the same things. Secondly, i have to accept that not everyone holds these things as high on their priority list as i do. And another way that i can make this happen is to simply do the old fashioned thing that my Granny used to say to me: "consider the source". i wish i could get more words of wisdom from her, because i think that now i am finally old enough, mature enough, to apply them throughout my life.

i have decided that i will consider the source for many things, specifically of interest to those that read this blog, things that happen in irc. For several personal reasons, i will be suspicious of certain things, and of certain people there, but the problem is that some people tend to let that place be so important to them that they use it to hurt others. For me, it is a place to talk with people i know and some i like. People, not nicks. And i am always aware of that difference, y'all. THAT is what i have to drill into my thick skull. Not everyone understands that their actions, words, and attitudes can hurt actual, real people. Guess what. When i realize how shortsighted, and how callous that kind of person is, i can let it go a little easier. Maybe i do have an arrogant attitude about this, i don't know. i don't mean to, but in this i can honestly say that, no matter how bitchy i may feel, i would never deliberately hurt anyone, even in irc. THAT is one of the biggest expectations i have to change - that others would treat me with that same respect. It ain't gonna happen.

And y'all know the good part. Padrone, Padrone, Padrone.

It keeps getting better and better. So many things change, but they stay the same in the most basic ways. It is impossible to describe what our relationship is truly like, but as i have said repeatedly, the expression is in such a deep D/s manner, it is absolutely wonderful. Lately it has been so comfortable, and i don't mean that in a bad way for Your slave to be comfortable, Padrone - lol.

i've had a few thoughts regarding general D/s philosophy, and also regarding our specific relationship, that i want to type about here.

i typed about surrender once, i don't remember now just when it was. i talked about how surrender is so difficult to perceive before one does it. It is unimaginable because it is, in general society, such a negative thing. When i began to surrender my will to His, that meant that His will replaced my own in my mind and in my life. THAT is the scary part, and it seems as if, when a girl does that, that she is giving up who she is. And maybe in theory she is, she is yielding herself absolutely to her Master, to become whoever He wants her to be. i was fortunate in that Padrone wants me to be myself, and to behave as He wishes. He has no desire to change me fundamentally - maybe because i work so hard on changing myself to constantly become more and more pleasing to Him. Since *i* am changing to please Him more, He doesn't have to change me, and we both get what we need.

And that is the point i am trying to make. The act of surrendering, the living a surrendered life, is NOT an ending. It is most definitely a beginning. Surrendering means in all things, and sometimes it is not easy to live that way. But in general, i am so free.....so magnificently free... to focus on His pleasure completely, to mold myself, my words, my behavior, my thoughts, my surprises.....into what i believe will bring Him pleasure, even a small pleasure. And i could only do that when i gave up ... what? It's hard to define, but i guess .... i gave Him my need. It is His to fill or not, just as my mind is His to control, my body, my emotions. And ... this is the key, this is what most people forget when they get in a hurry for a collar, for a relationship, for deep control and submission....i KNOW, because time was taken to build a secure foundation of trust.....that He will meet my needs to the best of His ability as a human.

What is the secret that makes it not negative, but rather the most positive thing that any slave can ever do? When i surrendered my will to Him, He surrendered any desire or even any ability to be irresponsible when dealing with me. (actually, in some ways, it can be said that He surrendered His need to me, but that's a little philosophical even for me at this moment) He can't treat me irresponsibly now, not since He holds such a huge part of me in His heart and in His hands. He has no choice but to keep my needs on His forefront, because that is the only way His own needs will be met. If He treated me poorly (something i can't even BEGIN to think of Him doing, but theoretically it's possible i guess), then He would put me into a position that i would have to retrieve my focus from His needs to my own, leaving Him hanging, and having to meet His own needs as well. Neither of us want that, believe me.

And so, i know beyond a doubt that He is as concerned with my contentment, my happiness, as i am with His. As He used to say but which i know He means even more deeply than i ever realized....a happy slave serves better.

Surrendering brought our relationship into colorful focus, like in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and Toto landed in Munchkin land, no more dull colors, everything was rich, vibrant, beautiful....as it was meant to be....as real life is. That describes our relationship well. And yet it could only happen when i finally said "no matter what happens, i have to give myself to You, to Your pleasure", and He accepted everything i gave.

And y'all know what? He makes me come alive. Y'all have seen it....the dramatic change in me when He comes into channel. It is that way even when i get a text from Him, or see Him in yahoo, or talk on the phone with Him. There is such joy to belong to Him, and to know that He is as happy with "US" as i am, and that there is nobody who can be His more fully than i am. i am His slave, His woman. I am owned so joyously, so perfectly.

Padrone....

i always wanted to be free, until i was bound to You. i always wanted my own way, until i saw that i gain my life when i lose it. i have lost it in You, Padrone. i have GAINED so much more of a life than i ever had before though. i used to be so wrapped up with my demons, so hidden behind all the walls, that the only ones that could truly matter were "me, myself, and i". i had no other choice, there was noone else to whom i mattered. Until You.

It was only when i finally let go of what i want, or rather of all the walls, the defenses, the stumbling blocks....that You could make me come alive. Nothing in this world compares to the joy of giving myself away...to You...only to You.

Your fiore del sud, opening, revealing her secret, inner self only to You, her need to bring You as much pleasure as it is in her ability to bring, is the fragrance that only You can enjoy....You make this woman beautiful, Padrone. You make her whole. You make her Yours, and she can imagine nothing better than that.