i've actually had a lot of thoughts recently that i have wanted to type here, but i am really thinking about the direction this blog is taking as opposed to where it was intended to go when it began. i think i am way off track, and yet i am not sure what to do about it. The obvious answer is to start another blog, with different intentions, but....i'm just not interested in having that many things to keep straight. i dont' have a lot of time to spend typing in any blog, much less several.
So i guess, for now at least, i will simply type thoughts here, even if they aren't what i had originally begun this blog to reveal or discuss.
Lately i have been thinking about slavery itself, and realizing that it doesn't matter if one is long distance or if one is living with one's Master. Slavery is slavery, if one is truly a slave, and it is one of the most difficult things i have ever done.
With difficulty, comes deep fulfillment, though. Recently Padrone has been pushing me in some ways, because He loves to know that i obey even when it is difficult. He loves for me to show my surrender to Him in that way, and what makes it so deeply fulfilling for me isn't in the doing of it, or even in knowing that i am doing it simply because He wants me to. It is in the deep appreciation He shows for my surrender. When He says to me "you are the slave i was looking for, for so long"... well, of course anyone knows how that would affect me. Especially since *words* like that are rare enough to be deeply meaningful when spoken. He doesn't speak words lightly, like we Americans are prone to do.
The point is that He would have me do things that are difficult for me, no matter where i lived. Surrender is either real and total, or it isn't. He knows that i have surrendered fully to Him, so He knows that He can push me, and expect a lot of me in terms of obedience. He knows that my heart is His - and that the desire of my heart is His pleasure.
And the reason i can surrender so deeply to this man is because i finally trust that He will never hurt me, intentionally, and that if He ever did unintentionally He would be deeply remorseful. Just as my deepest pleasure is HIS pleasure, so He also loves when i am happy. He loves to make me happy - and He does in ways He doesn't even realize. This morning is a prime example, and i doubt He knows that HE is the reason i was so happy when we talked...
i called Him unexpectedly, as i do now and then but not often. Even though i use a calling card, i like to make them last as long as possible right now, for various reasons. Anyway, He was surprised to hear my voice, but even though He was about to leave, He sat down and talked with me for a few minutes. But do you know what He said? He said, "i am glad You called me." Here He was, busy and about to walk out the door.....and He is glad to hear my voice. During the conversation He commented on how happy i sounded, and how He loves for His slave to be happy. But His words... simple words of pleasure at hearing my voice.... is what made me even happier. i could hear it in His voice, not just in His words...and i know that i am loved, in ways that most people only dream about.
See, what we have discovered is the beautiful mutality of a healthy relationship. He thinks it is mostly about Him and what He wants and needs, and i work hard to meet His needs and to give Him what He wants from me. But i do those things because of what *i* get out of doing them - acceptance (which i think is the most coveted part of any healthy relationship) for who i am, even my imperfections.... appreciation for what i do, what i show, for who i am.....trust that i will obey and do all i can to please....knowledge that if i can't obey, there is a very valid reason for it (unless i lose track of time and miss a text of course, but that's just being human)...love for my personality, not just my slavery...so many things that translate into a deeply fulfilling relationship for *me* as well. i know He realizes it, but sometimes i wonder if He realizes just how much being His ... completes me.
And that, my friends, is what "love" is all about. When two people meet each other's needs so completely that they truly fit together like puzzle pieces, forming a beautiful picture called "life together"... love doesn't have to be spoken. It simply is. (Padrone, the words are still precious, so don't think i don't want to hear them anymore, please.....:) )
There are so many thoughts that i would love to talk about today. i want to talk about the sudden trust that overwhelmed me, when i peeked beyond fear. i want to talk more about what it means to be a slave, vs. acting like a slave. i want to talk about real difficulties in being a slave. i want to talk about so many things, but i can't seem to find the words that actually make sense.
Padrone, Thank You for the support that i so need right now, during this time in my life. Thank You for the understanding You have, and that You show so readily, so often. Thank You for trusting that i will never take advantage of that understanding nature, so that You are more free to show it. Thank You for things i can never put into words, especially not publicly. Thank You, Padrone, for being the Master *i* have searched for, for so long.
i love You, too, Padrone.
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