by request

Last night Padrone and i had one of those deeply meaningful conversations, that sometimes happens and almost always surprises me by the timing of it. i mean, usually i call expecting at least a bit of use, and i also expect some conversation, some gossip, but as late as it was last night when i called, i never expected the kind of conversation that happened.

Basically, we ended up talking about my first blog post of yesterday, and that sparked His request that i at least attempt to type about some of the things i mentioned that i was having difficulty wording. So, this may be a long post, but i hope it is not too convoluted or meandering to make sense. i will do my best to keep it straightforward.

First, after thinking about this for a while, i realized that all of the topics i wanted to type about are really related, so i think i will type it as a progression of thoughts, which i believe reflects a progression of a relationship, but that's my own opinion of course.

i said yesterday that i wanted to type about the moment i peeked through the fear and saw trust. That's a rather dramatic way to word it, but it really is the most accurate portrayal of what happened. i was afraid to trust, because i couldn't handle being hurt again. Looking objectively at where we were then....there is no way i could NOT be hurt, if i let down the walls. Let's face it, i am NOT the kind of woman who is willing to share her Master, yet i had begged the Master of another woman to take me as His own as well. i was so insecure about my ability to please Him that i allowed myself to believe the shouts of my insecurities rather than the whispers of the man i loved even then. i had no idea what He expected from me, and all He would tell me when i asked was that He wanted obedience and service and to learn to please Him more. For these and so many other reasons i was too paralyzed to trust Him not to hurt me if i let down the walls.

Also, i didn't want to "lose" myself, even though i didn't particularly like myself. i know, that makes no sense, but sometimes change is terrifying, and even the bad person we think we are is a safe place to live. i, like so many other slaves, felt that if i began the surrendering process, that i would lose who i am. i feared becoming a doormat, a "yes girl". i was afraid i would do all the giving, and be expected to be happy in a relationship that is all about Him. i had heard Doms say that they honestly believe that a submissive's fulfillment comes from her service. i was so afraid that Padrone would be that kind of Dominant, and i knew that it was not true for anyone, much less for me.

As our relationship progressed, i began to see that Padrone is, as He spoke of last night, not that kind of Dominant. He 'gave back' as i gave to Him. In other words, my needs were being met, not by myself, not by my actions, but by HIM. Suddenly, i foudn the courage to begin to surrender to Him, and believe that it would be alright, safe, to do so.

As He began to see that i had truly moved beyond that black hole of fear into the light of surrendering to Him, then He was finally able to relax and.....not focus on my needs, but live what He believes, that a man who finds a woman who meets His needs, and wishes to keep her, will do all He can to meet her needs. It works so beautifully, doesn't it?

Surrender, if it is real surrender, is the difference between *being* a slave, and merely *acting* as one. It is this surrender that defines a slave, in my opinion. One can act submissively, one can submit either in a scene, or even certain areas of her life, without surrendering herself, her life, to her Master. There is nothing wrong with this at all, as long as one is honest about what she is surrendering or submitting. It is when one is dishonest (intentionally or unintentionally), that a slave is merely acting a role rather than being a slave. True surrender is what defines a slave, to me.

As i told Padrone last night, though, i believe that there are true slaves who are unowned. How can that be, if surrender is the definitive difference, and an unowned slave is not surrendered to anyone? Well, true slaves know and recognize what i am saying here, and it is the potential for deep, total surrender that lives inside them, that make them true slaves. Even new submissives, if they have a slave's heart, will burn and ache to please with everything they have, everything they are. They long to surrender. That, to me, defines slave.

Once one has realized that she truly *is* a slave, then she learns just how difficult it is, or can be, to *live* as a slave.

i was hesitant to write about this topic for a couple of reasons, but mainly because i don't want Padrone to think i am complaining about things He has set into place, especially recently. But the fact is that He announced several weeks ago that He thinks i am ready to be pushed in my slavery, and that things would be more difficult for me sometimes. Well, He has fulfilled that promise, and i am sure there is more to come as well. Part of the consequences of this decision is that His slave finds being pushed difficult at times, which is the entire point.

The bottom line is that the surrender that i spoke of at great length, means that i surrender my comfort, my convenience, my pleasure, my time, my schedule, even my sleep and attention, to my Master. i have surrendered my ease or difficulty in obeying to Him as well.

i questioned His reasoning, His timing, when He announced that i was ready to be pushed. It wasn't long after something pretty traumatic happened to me, and He was a bit distracted by things going on where He lives as well. i didn't question this to HIM, of course, but i did wonder how He came to that particular conclusion at that particular time. As usual, He seems to have been right.


What He has done is shown me a totally different meaning of surrendering to Him. But guess what. The old saying is true, submission really *is* meaningful only when it is difficult to give. i'm not sure that it can even be considered submission, if one merely submits when it is easy. Doing difficult things is a way for me to show my Master how deeply surrendered i am to Him. No, i don't always want to do those things, as a matter of fact i seldom *want* to, and if i were given a choice i would not voluntarily choose to do them.

THAT is what makes it special. My surrender reinforces His control. The more difficulty involved, the deeper the surrender required. i'm not talking about strictly sexual things of course. Sex *is* important, but just as in any relationship, it is everything else that has to work the vast majority of the time to keep things good. What works, for us, is when i am able to show Him how deeply He owns me in whatever ways He chooses, and He shows His deep appreciation to me for that.

The ultimate difficulty in being a slave is in giving up total control over every part of one's life. A Master can choose what He wishes to control, and as Padrone is proving lately, those things can, and will, change by His choice. Theoretically that sounds quite romantic, and i guess it is in a way. But tell that to me when i'm yawning and can barely keep my eyes open, and Padrone wants me to serve Him! i'll show you 'romantic' then!

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because i need to. i am driven to be His slave, the best slave for Him that i possibly can, by my very nature. And i get so much in return - more than i ever dreamed possible. He needs for parts of my life to be difficult, and in return for my fulfilling that need for Him, He meets more and more of my own, even those i would have denied having. That is what this is all about.

It is so wonderful that our needs fit together so clearly. Sometimes i have to remind myself of that - like now, when i am sitting at my computer with my ass filled as required....my ass that is sore, tender, from being filled with a vibe for so long while we talked on the phone last night. There is absolutely NO physical, or even mental, enjoyment in this today. What there is, is the knowledge that He loves for my ass to be filled, and it is my duty to fill it as often as He says i must. Difficult? At times, of course it is. But that is a slave's life. i could live no other way. As Padrone, says so often, there is no choice for me anymore. i am deeply and irrevocably enslaved to Him now.

Padrone, thank You so much for the talk last night. i love talking with You, learning more about You, especially when You talk about Your thoughts and Your own viewpoint about what i type. My thoughts are clearly "out there", and yet i can only assume to know Yours, so often. Thank You for sharing Yourself with me, Padrone.