This post is a bit more difficult than some to write. i've taken a few weeks off, as anyone who follows my blog knows already. There is a very valid reason for it, of which i will give a partial explanation.
Something happened recently, a traumatic event, that triggered the breaking of an emotional dam in me. The result of the onslaught of emotions, specifically things i thought i had already dealt with and put away but which i had simply locked in a compartment inside my mind, is that i have entered counseling. The emotions that overwhelmed me, and which i am still dealing with, are a result of being sexually molested as a child.
i haven't been in counseling but a few weeks, but already things have come out that have stunned me. Some things i see as insurmountable, to be honest. i've never been in counseling, but i know a lot about it for various reasons, and the intellectual side of me knows they aren't insurmountable. The emotional side sees mountains, and can't grasp the concept of moving mountains one rock at a time. i know i will be alright. i have deep faith that what i am doing is the right thing for me, for my family, for my friends, and for my Padrone. No, i didn't put that in order of priorities, rather in order of proximity.
i can honestly say that this is not something i ever wanted to do. i truly thought i had dealt with all of this and it was "gone"...diffused or defused, whichever fits best. But it was still a ticking bomb, and one traumatic event....albiet highly traumatic, triggered the explosion. The fallout is that i can't make all the unruly, unwanted, undesirable emotions fall neatly back into their hiding place again. And because they are exposed, they affect me, and they have control over me, and i don't like that one BIT!
i'm not sure how detailed to go about that bit here. i have reached the point that i am a bit immune to the comments of others regarding the abuse, but i also know that others see anyone talking about things in their past that helped to shape their actions today as whining. i'm not a whiner, usually, and i don't want to impose myself on anyone, although this *is* my blog and if you don't want to read it all you have to do is close the window. i'll have to see how i feel about it once this is published i think.
Since this blog is mainly about the relationship that Padrone and i have, the natural question is, how does this affect us? Well, i honestly can't speak for Padrone, except to say that He commented that what happened caused Him to rethink His role in my life, and make some adjustments in His role as my Master. For me, of course, i have regressed in a lot of ways, although not nearly as far as i would have had i not been expecting it and also if i didn't carefully monitor my emotions, or as best i can at least.
My biggest fear is that i will succeed in sabotaging this relationship, which i have done in the past although that is not something i like admitting about myself. i honestly don't think Padrone will let me - He knows me fairly well after two years, wouldn't y'all say? i think He can see when my thoughts turn in that direction, sometimes even more clearly than i can to be honest. Sometimes is truly is easier to be on the outside looking in.
It is difficult for me to know what to say about all of this, and when to say it. If He doesn't mention it, i take it to mean that He doesn't want to hear about it, so i don't mention it either. Or i didn't. We've talked and that won't be a problem anymore. :) What else? Oh yes, scenes and socialization. Well, scenes are difficult for me, but it's getting better daily, or nearly dailly anyway. And socialization - that has been something neither of us has wanted for our own reasons......each of us has His/her own reason i mean, to not want to socialize right now. That, too, will change when the time is right.
What else? Well, things might have been different, except that Padrone has something where He lives that He is also dealing with, and so each of us is distracted. But we are still focusing on one another, and that is the important thing.
Padrone, my thoughts are with You today, and i thank You for being my Padrone. You are right...when i was allowed to choose, i chose very well. i love You.
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