Well, lately i have had some major breakthroughs when it comes to humiliation. i need it, i crave it, at the hands of Padrone of course....and i trust Him implicitly, and i believe He is coming to trust me in the same way, which has been at least part of the breakthrough even though i hate to admit it.
i trust Him enough to BE the worst i can be, and know that He doesn't think of me that way but that He also needs to treat me that way. When i realized how much He also needed it, and that He couldn't explain that need any better than i could explain my own need, it really helped me to see realistically...simply because He may call me a worthless fuckpig, doesn't mean that He actually thinks of me that way. It pleases Him, it feeds something inside of Him, to see me on my hands and knees, lapping the piss He has peed on me that has pooled on the floor before me, His hands gripping my udders as i beg for His cock, my hips humping like the animal i have become.
He has a need to reduce me to my basest instincts, to simply be holes to fuck, and to NEED with an indescribable desperation, to be fucked by Him...to need Him for all, for everything, for even the most basic needs - for EVERY basic need, as much as possible in this long term relationship. And i do.
Being humiliated gives me yet another outlet for expressing how deeply i need Him for everything. If He takes me to a certain level of humiliation, i need more....if He makes me worthless for anything other than His use, His pleasure, His whim.... then i crave to be even more worthless....to focus on His pleasure with the singlemindedness of being nothing more than His pig, His bitch, His whore, His meat to use, His holes to fuck or to tease or to fill.
What i am trying to say is that, if He chooses, or needs, for me to be worthless for anything except His pleasure, and to feel worthless in that until He expresses it with His orgasm, and even if it isn't a sexual release for Him - even if He merely wants me to feel that way "just because", then i yearn to be as worthless as possible, to become nothing, as close to nothing as i can, to be - not just to feel but to *be* - as meaningless to Him as a speck of dust. i crave to be whatever He needs, period, to make Him find more and deeper pleasure in owning me.
The interesting thing to me is the dynamic that is a result of those needs. He needs to be as powerful as possible, and there really are times when making me feel worthless, useless, stupid, and silly accomplishes that. His control is unwavering, His power as well, but just as sometimes the need to express the control is strong, so sometimes is the need to express the *power* that comes with the control. Not sure if that makes sense or not, but i understand it anyway!
What it does for me when He makes me feel that way is to enhance the need to please, to find *some* way to give pleasure even as worthless as i am, and the gratitude that i can't ever express fully simply deepens even more. It makes me yearn and strive harder to serve and to please.
Why gratitude? Well that's a difficult question to answer, but i'll try with what i've sorted through so far. First, it's the surface kind of emotion, the gratitude that even though i'm worthless (i know i'm being a bit redundant with that word, but i don't know how else to say this, concisely at least), He still uses me, finds pleasure in using me. That one is kind of obvious i guess. i mean, even though i am shamed and humiliated, He still wants to use me. It's kind of the accepted sort of explanation.....He saw me as i have seen myself for so many years, and He wants me anyway.
And that is very important in the dynamic, in feeding the gratitude.
But, for me, it is even more deep than that. This man knows me so well. He knows what i would find deeply humiliating. He knows what i would struggle with. He knows what i have said in the past that i can't do. He knows what i still can't do. He has held His needs in check until i broached the subject myself, and until i expressed that i can, indeed, do or take almost anything He needs to do or say to me. For years this man has not taken all He could, all He had a right to, simply for my sake. Yes, Padrone, i know it is common sense not to harm Your slave, but as You could probably predict, i will say that not many would do that, or not for over 3 years at least. Not many men *could* do it.
But You saw my heart, came to realize and to trust that i truly do yearn for Your pleasure more than my own, and that i do everything within my power to please and to serve You as You need, want, and deserve. Your patience in waiting for me to be ready to offer what is almost the last thing i could ever offer, is tremendous, and it is like a warm blanket of comfort and safety wrapped around me, even in the midst of humiliation. i *know* You will never harm me, and i think You finally realize that if i am put into a place that is difficult for me to deal with, that i *will* work through it, and i will come through that place, that "fire", even more ready and able to give more to You. It has taken a long time for us to reach the level of trust we have now, and it has taken some very rough times as well. But i really think we are on the brink of a deepening of our relationship in ways that neither of us may be able to predict. i am excited about it, about giving more, about You taking more, about the enslavement deepening....or the ways i can express it deepening at least.
The bottom line, for me, is that no matter what You ask of me, even if it is to feel worth nothing more than to be an animal whose sole existence is to be fucked and used as You wish....then i will be the best animal i can be, to prove my worth in that, to....yes, i think that is it.
If, at times, my worth is in nothing more than to be debased, degraded, shamed, used... then i will glory in that worth and shine in my degradation, always needing more, until You have sated Yourself in my worthlessness. So it is something that is actually positive for me, it allows me to give in a different dimension, yet i still give all i can give, strive for perfection in worthlessness, to give and to serve and to please my Owner. i may not be able to express it at the time, but i do feel it. i couldn't ever figure out why i constantly needed *more*, even when the humiliation was less severe. i think i have now, and it is purely a need to please You deeply, and for some reason if it is done at my own expense, then it is more meaningful than otherwise. You have taken my body in harsh and demanding ways, and the next ... step, for lack of a better way to say it ... is to take my emotions in equally harsh and demanding ways...to use them as You do my body, as Your instrument, Your playground, Your toy.
So, please....use Your slave as deeply, as strongly, and in as humiliating ways as You wish to, need to, Padrone. Please allow Your property the opportunity to serve You as You wish, as You need, and as You so richly deserve.
i have no idea if that makes any sense at all, Padrone, but we can talk about it of course. i think what hit me so strongly this morning is that the wall truly *is* gone, and that, at least sexually (not sure how i would handle being humiliated in "normal" conversastion yet, but i'm working on it)....there is almost literally nothing i would not do or give for Your pleasure. i love You, and i need You, and i crave Your pleasure, Padrone.
The gratitude i feel can never be fully expressed. There is no way to give back to You, to repay all You have done for me. i am a totally different woman, because of You, not merely Your ownership, but Your acceptance of who i am, and the respect You show me even though You know my secret self. You are so good to me, and i am immeasurably grateful to You, my Master, my Owner, my Padrone.
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