Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Our long distance relationship

Sometimes when i start to type and i see nothing but a blank screen, i wonder what in the world i should say. i have tons of thoughts running through my mind, yet when i sit in front of the computer, they all seem to disappear. Is that a form of writer's block, even though i am no writer?

Not that it matters, that was nothing more than a ploy to get my fingers moving. Typically when i begin typing i have few problems continuing. Maybe part of the reason i have had problems typing here lately is because some of the things i have been thinking have been pretty personal and deep, intimate things that i don't really want to make public. So i have had to kind of think about other things to type, and it isn't always easy for me to do - when my mind gets set on one thing, usually it's pretty well fixed.

So i started thinking about why i started this blog in the first place. It began as a place for discussion of the realities of a slave in a long distance relationship. i guess it still is, although to be honest, there are times i forget just "how" long distance we are, because it doesn't feel that we are distant in many ways. There are times when i know He would love to feel my lips around His cock, and there are times when i wish i could truly relax and Him inflict the pain. But other than that, there is a very deep level of control in my rl, and a deep level of submission in His rl. And isn't control and submission what this is all about anyway?

i am sure there could be other forms of control if we lived together. i am not sure the depth of the control or submission would be any different, maybe the way it is expressed might make it *feel* deeper, though. i do realize that face-to-face relationships have options that aren't available to us as we are. But i think that we have chosen to make what we have something incredible. i think we are succeeding in that venture, and i think we both treasure what we have highly. What makes it work, though? What makes it so.... fulfilling...when we can't even touch each other? How can it possibly even compare with skin-to-skin contact? And can it be truly successful, or are we "copping out" of what is called rl relationships?

i think y'all know my answers to some of the questions, but i am not sure i have really ever explained why i feel the way i feel about our LDR and its success. It is quite successful, actually, and i think that is obvious to everyone who knows us and sees us together in IRC.

i guess because i am in one, i believe that there are a lot of things that have to happen for a long distance relationship to be successful that don't have to happen with a face-to-face one. i am sure there are things that are more difficult for a face-to-face relationship, but i know from experience there are times when just trusting words, without seeing facial expressions or body language, and sometimes not even hearing tone of voice, is seemingly impossible. That doesn't have to happen in a face-to-face relationship, obviously. There is also the element of "i'll wait until He gets home and talk with Him then" if something comes up. Here, there isn't that option, the only time problems can be dealt with is when they happen, because there is no "when He comes home" or whatever.

And i know that there are a lot of LDRs that aren't the same as ours. The commitment, which i believe started out more as an IRC thing with a bit of rl thrown in on the side, has grown into a very deep M/s commitment on both sides. But when we first began, i have no doubts that neither of us expected it to grow into what it is. What it is, is a face-to-face relationship, without us being face to face. What i mean - we have as "real" a relationship in so many ways, as those who live in the same house with one another.

Now, i will also say that i do NOT believe that a LDR is right for everyone. i don't believe everyone can do it, can 'handle' not seeing their partner face to face, at least now and then. i think it has taken, for us, a lot more work to learn to trust and relax the guard, than it does for those who are "rl". On the other hand, though, i also don't see a LDR as a 'cop out' for those who 'can't handle' a face-to-face relationship, nor are those who have an LDR necessarily 'fakes' or 'wannabes' simply because they don't live with their partner.

This kind of relationship takes a lot of energy, mental and emotional, that isn't always necessary when one is living with their partner. It takes a focus on keeping the roles absolutely clear, the behaviors absolutely in line....i'm not saying it wouldn't be necessary otherwise, but.....i think it is easier when the communication is online and on phone and limited in nature and scope, to kind of 'forget' the roles when the computer is turned off or the phone is hung up, unless the two people involved choose to behave otherwise.

And in our case, there are different cultural backgrounds, even moreso than many, because He is Italian and i am American. There are language differences, not that it is usually a problem, but it was a bit in the beginning. He has very definite ideas of the roles of Master and slave, and behaviors expected of each. i have always tended to react to the one who currently owned me, without considering any "larger picture" of how a slave should behave. There was, in the beginning, the fact that He owned two slaves, and all the effects of that on our relationship. There was the release of the other slave, and the effects of "that" on our relationship. There has been a need to overcome things in my own past, a need for Him to accept that those things are real and not excuses. There has been much 'silliness' on my part on the path to trusting completely. There have been mistakes on His part, not many, but still some. But the bottom line is this: What we have with one another is so deeply fulfilling, that we have chosen to do whatever it takes to keep it, to preserve it, to feed and nurture it, and to let it grow and deepen into the fullest and most beautiful relationship it can be.

Maybe i feel a need to justify why this blog exists, why i feel that i can type things and expect that some, at least, will take me seriously. i know Padrone would scoff at such an idea, but after reading some things on a couple of sites lately that have blasted LDRs as being not "real" or as being "less" than face-to-face relationships, i guess i am a little bit defensive. Whatever the reason, this is what needed to be typed at this moment i guess.

Padrone, i want to publicly and openly state something that i know is obvious to You. i am Yours. i am as enslaved as i would be if i were at Your feet at this moment, kneeling quietly, my collar around my neck. This is why i have begged a time or two for total restriction, because i am so deeply Yours. This is why there is no attraction for me in scening with others. This is why i honor Your wishes so readily. This is why i am always so ready for Your use. i am Yours.

Grazie, Padrone, for the privilege of wearing Your collar. Grazie, for seeing in me what i don't in myself, but which i am actually learning to see. Grazie, for being my Padrone.....the one i was born to serve.....the one born to own me.

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