Demons

Appropriate song for what I'm talking about today.



So I've been working on a lot of things lately, mental work which can be far more challenging than physical work can be. Of course, I've begun walking which I hope will help spur some weight loss but even if it doesn't then maybe it will help me feel better about myself and be in better physical shape anyway.

I've also been fighting another dad-gum bladder infection. But that's neither here nor there, frankly, because it heals.

Mentally, however, my work is far more difficult.

I've come to some interesting places in my mental life lately. I've realized that, though there are some very ugly things in my history, I have every right to be angry about it. Finally, after years and years, the anger is turning outward where it belongs, rather than inward in self-loathing and guilt. The effect on my sexuality is lessening a bit, thank goodness. Frankly, i used to use sex to avoid the reminders of the past. When I finally got the memories repressed, I stopped being interested in sex at all for a long, long time.

Even when Padrone and I met, I was a slut. I needed BDSM, needed D/s, but I refused to deal with all the emotions it stirred up in me and so I thought I effectively shut my heart off and submitted sexually only. Padrone, of course, saw through that facade into the real me, and what little he saw interested him enough that he revealed that interest and we, obviously, became a couple.

But the underlying anger, which had been directed inappropriately, was still there. I just didn't know it. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't deal with it when I did feel it, and I kept it as repressed as possible - to my mental and physical detriment. I look back now, and I'm still rather screwed up, and wonder how the heck Padrone put up with me!

So now, I've started facing the repressed emotions and even the memories creating the emotions. It hasn't been something I've wanted to do, especially at this point in my life because I'm busy and have FAR too much going on in my little section of the world. But I've had to for whatever reason. And as I've faced the demons who wreaked such havoc in my adult life, I've begun to feel a tremendous amount of anger. It's been generalized, making me ill as a hornet towards everyone I have come in contact with, except Padrone. I find it quite difficult to be ill with him - he is so easygoing that it just rolls off his back anyway so why bother?

During one of those moments I had a revelation of sorts. I had felt aroused and it was a direct, and finally obvious, way of avoiding the demons. I was PISSED, believe me.

I mean, I was incensed!

And I went into immediate arousal denial mode.

Until I was able to contain that anger, to focus it, to...attribute blame for what happened to me as a kid to the right people.

Until I was able to finally, after all these years, feel less guilt. I literally felt it disappear from my mentality. Not totally of course, but just enough to make me see beyond the veil of guilt and self-loathing as it were.

It was a major life-changing moment for me. I have NEVER felt like that before, and yet now...it's an amazing feeling still although I still struggle to maintain it. Let's face it, the thought patterns of almost 5 decades will not be changed overnight.

I still haven't allowed myself to feel aroused yet, because I really don't want to deal with the possible effects of it yet. And I'm talking "spontaneous arousal" rather than being aroused by Padrone, if that makes sense.

Padrone, I'm still working through this stuff. It began when I started going chronologically and really looking at issues and not avoiding them. Memories, what actually happened, my own thoughts and feelings - they all worked together to trigger some sort of release of the anger and the healthier self image that has happened so far. I have had a lot of trouble putting all these things into words, and I'm still not sure I did so coherently. All I know is that feeling safe within our relationship is the one thing that has allowed me to confront these demons and work through all these issues, as they present themselves to be dealt with. I also feel confident to seek out the demons and confront them on my own now - something I've always run from in the past. I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel for you. You have literally changed my life. Thank you will never be enough.