Saturday, October 12, 2013
Life and Death
Life hit HARD all of a sudden there, and finally has eased off a bit.
My mother was in the hospital for 9 days or so, and almost died actually. It was a very, very nerve wracking time until about Wednesday when she turned the corner and improved dramatically, very quickly! She finally went home yesterday.
So what I did last weekend was stay in the hospital almost the entire weekend exclusively. I was able to leave for a couple of hours when my dad got there, but was offered no other help at all, even from brother and his family. Mom was surprised, I think, and honestly I was too....but not by my own actions.
Needless to say, communication with Padrone has been both sporadic and vanilla for the most part. But I'm of the opinion that much of life *is* vanilla unless one serves a micromanaging Master, which Padrone has not yet been. Frankly, he trusts my ability to live my life as needed, in general, but is absolutely willing and able to step in with advice, guidance, or instruction when he chooses to do so.
I do know that a lot of the perception of a long distance M/s relationship is that it exists solely on the computer and when the machine is turned off, so too is the relationship. That could not be farther from the truth for us, but I'm not going to go into all of that right now. I'm just going to say that Padrone and his expectations are first and foremost in my mind, and so I have been doing his number one expectation - taking care of myself - even though it means less time spent with him.
Twelve hour days, after the weekend I had last weekend and ending with a 19 hour day yesterday, means that what I have done is go to work, come home, get clothes ready for the next day, and fall into bed. And after a funeral today, and grading 100,000 papers or so that I got behind on over the past couple of weeks, I plan to crash again. Actually, I may crash instead of grading papers, then grade while the ball game is on tonight. We'll see....
The funeral is for the ex's aunt, who has lived less than half a mile from me for 25 years or so. Her daughter in law is my best friend. Her granddaughter would come hang out in my classroom last year. Her son taught my son to play Sonic the Hedgehog on the old Sega game console. I've known this family forever.
So it's really sad to know that her life on earth is over - not for her because both her faith and mine include heaven - but for the influence she has had on those around her for 80+ years.
It could so easily have been my mother's funeral this weekend, literally.
So I have been thinking of the power of the human life force a lot today. It could be so easy to say that we are only a heartbeat away from death, but have you ever really thought of just how difficult it can be to stop a heart from beating? If one wishes to kill another person, there are ways that might seem easy of course - gun, knife, blow to the head, medicine or poison, who knows? I've never really thought about it (except the blow to the head with the ex, and then not to kill but rather to vent my own frustrations! And preferably with an iron skillet since I don't use a rolling pin often), but I guess there might be a myriad of variations on a limited number of actual ways to stop another person's heart. Smothering. Who could DO that to someone???? Etc....
But after watching my mother literally struggle to breathe all weekend, and knowing how ill Aunt was for a time before her own death, it really hit me that the life force within a human being is very, very strong. And you know what? I woke up thinking of death, of the sadness of loss and how close I came to experiencing even more loss this week. But what has happened is that I have a renewed appreciation of life itself, even though I am going to a funeral today. Aunt LIVED while she was alive, and lived for a long time. I can finally view a ceremony such as a funeral as more than a ritualistic closure on a life, but rather a celebration of such and an expression of void in our own lives left by the one who has passed away.
I messaged Padrone this morning and said that I was going to try to type here, because I haven't in a LONG time and I miss it, but that my post may be a bit morbid. I am grateful, glad, that it has turned out to be not so morbid after all.
Padrone, thank you for hanging in there with me, patiently and lovingly, while I have worried about my mother and struggled with my own issues. Thank you for understanding that, even though she and I have always had a strained relationship, I only have one mother and when she is gone I will be a bit lost. Without you, however, I would be far more lost, in a totally different way. I am deeply, forever, grateful for all you mean to me, and all you give to me. One day, one day, I will be able to give as much in return, my love. One day.
Sono la Sua schiava, Padrone. Ti ameró per sempre.