being taken

Today i realized something about myself.

Today i realized that there are times that i need to feel....totally dispensible, especially to Padrone.

i know that sounds silly, and crazy as well, but it hit me when i was doing a task that he had never had me do before. For some reason, the need to not have any of my own needs or wants taken into consideration as he used me, became totally overwhelming.

You know, usually it *is* all about him, and i am so fortunate that he loves for his slave to be pleased sexually, and to be happy in general. But lately a lot of life's circumstances have required a lot of the focus in our relationship to be upon me and my life and my situation, and it's created a...i don't know, but it's as if both of us have needed to "right the boat" or something.

i needed for my needs to not be taken into consideration, to not even be expressed. i needed for him to literally take whatever he wanted, without thinking about me as anything other than the means for his pleasure....the meat for his use.... the property for his abuse if he so wished. And that's not an easy thing to express, especially without saying "i need", which would totally defeat the purpose in the first place!

Padrone only ever takes what is offered, and while he understands that everything i am, all i have, all i will be, is his totally and unreservedly....sometimes there is something within him that doesn't allow him to use me solely for his pleasure without regard for me and my pleasure. (i'm not talking about safety here, i am talking about pleasure)

But tonight, the opportunity arose for me to .... show him my need, while fulfilling one he has expressed in the past (at least to a degree). i was "taken", harshly and roughly and coldly.

That is something that i am not sure he would necessarily agree with, the terminology i mean. But that is what happened, and the reason it is worth typing about is this:

Tonight, for the first time, i can explain what i mean by that term - being taken - in a way that makes sense. Padrone, now and then, the need to truly be treated as an object, as a piece of meat, as....nothing.....with my existence recognized solely through use for your pleasure and for no other reason....sometimes that is a deep need that i haven't ever been able to express coherently.

i think that, after tonight's scene, You understand - even if nobody else does.

Padrone, i feel more Yours now than i ever have, and that is saying a lot. Thank You, for things i can't put into words. i am Yours.