Back to our regularly scheduled relationship

There have been so many changes happening lately, in our relationship. It has been stressful, scary, but oh so good.

The focus of the relationship, while still very much D/s based, is shifting. The recent rules change reflected that, as well as discussions and er...upsets...we've had as well. So many misunderstandings, communication suddenly more difficult as stated desires, expectations, hopes, change.

Change is stressful, but we know it is all good. Some of the changes are taking us out of the realm of traditional D/s i guess, but it is right for us. We are still very much D/s, and our interactions will always be because of our personalities if nothing else. But we both want the more formalized "official" D/s, even though we will personalize it even more as we go along.

We've been together for almost 6 years now. We have grown in more ways than i could ever have imagined, for us to not have met face to face yet. We have gotten older, wiser if you will. We have each changed in terms of circumstances and personality. We have grown as individuals, and more importantly, as a couple.

All of that means that there have been lots of changes lately, and i am sure there may be more coming in the not-too-distant future as well. We have both acknowledged a need, and a desire, for more intimacy in each other's daily lives. I mentioned that in a previous post, but I'll just briefly touch on it again. He wants to know more details about my life....my school, my interests, my passions, my mundane life. I want to know how much he needs me, misses me, thinks about me during his day. The two needs are for the same thing, merely expressed in a different way (think Mars and Venus here). His need for intimacy is in being part of my daily life. Mine is in knowing that I am in his mind even more than i recognized before.

But changes aren't easy to implement at times. It is as i said to Padrone, i have been doing the things that i have spent a long time learning pleased Padrone...well, for a long time. When he first started these changes, he simply said that he had discovered that his needs ... what he wants out of the relationship ... have changed. He simply said he wanted more intimacy. He had reviewed his needs, and my rules, my framework, and who i am...my submission, my heart, my love for him and doing my best to please him...and decided that some of the things he used to want from me weren't what he wanted any longer. I kind of freaked out a bit, I admit, but part of that was how it was related to me, and part of it was that it signaled changes that I wasn't sure I understood. That's kind of a scary thing.

That was a few weeks ago. More recently we have had some other discussions, some rather heated, and they all seemed repetitive. He couldn't understand why I was thinking of the same things over and over again, and I had a misconception of what was important to him after all. And so I obsessed about failing and being punished for something that I would only miss if something unavoidable happened to prevent me from doing it. Even a mistake, like forgetting something that prevented me from being online at a specific moment in time, would be unavoidable. Guess what. That happened to turn into a major discussion, for some reason. But the reality is that if i am punished for making a mistake, then i am punished for being human. And sometimes negative consequences aren't negative consequences simply because they are not related to the mistake itself. In other words, if i go shopping and forget something i absolutely must have, then the negative consequence is that i go back to the store to get it. It would be inconvenient, making me a frustrated, irritated with myself, woman....but not punishment. However, if I forget something and have to go to town before the pharmacy closes and miss the specific time i'm supposed to be online with Padrone, then the natural negative consequence is decreased time spent with him. Adding lines or any other negative action would do nothing more than to make me feel worse for making a human mistake, and actually....for me....increases my drive for perfection in myself. I will do all I can to prevent punishment. When it is a true mistake, it is so difficult to accept that i deserve to be punished for it.

And so we talked about that, quite a bit. After our discussion of this morning I think that part of his ideas regarding punishment/consequences is due to his catholic upbringing. I am in NO way disparging Catholics, not by any means. But when one considers the idea of confession and atonement, and that they aren't necessarily related to the actual sins one is confessing, then it makes sense that the disconnect of relevance of consequence to mistake has a different meaning for Padrone than it does for me.

But all of the "why" doesn't really matter. Padrone has officially dropped punishment for mistakes. I am only to be punished if I willfully disobey or rebel against his authority and control.

And so, to people on the outside looking in via the snapshots of our relationship and my life that these blog posts grant, it may look as if the D/s is fading....but it is as I told Padrone when I, so gratefully, thanked him for this particular change...this will help ease so much of my internal pressure, and free me to ... relax and be myself....and not feel so pressured to be perfect or suffer consequences....

Padrone, I have no idea if any of this makes sense or not. All I know is that this change is easing my mind, so far. I ... finally feel that you fully trust that I am doing my best to do what you expect and want from me.

Wherever this leads us, it will be nothing but good. Padrone, change is always stressful, but the changes will bring us to a place that is better than we have ever been before. I love you, my Padrone. I feel more yours than ever before.