Well, i've been thinking about the direction this blog is taking, thanks to some comments by Padrone (very insightful ones, even if i didn't want to hear them at the time). And it's just.....way too mushy.
Well, maybe it's not really that it's too mushy, it's just that lately everything i have typed here has been feelings-based. The reason this blog began was to give an idea of the reality of a long distance relationship, and all i do is talk about how i feel. Ugh.
So maybe i will give a glimpse into my "average" day as a slave to a man who lives an ocean away. i won't give a total glimpse, because there are things about my life i won't reveal, and that will, of necessity, ensure that this glimpse is incomplete. But it's not mush anyway. *wry smile*
First, i guess i should say that i have started working nights in the past few months, so i sleep during the daytime, and am awake overnight, most nights at least. That has been a huge change, and one that i still have trouble adjusting to, to be honest. Padrone has trouble too, mainly because He knows i need sleep and i sometimes have major problems sleeping in the daytime, and He worries about me a lot.
So when i get home, i usually hop online for a few minutes, sometimes longer depending on how tired, and how "wired" i am after work. i've already sent a text saying i'm leaving work, then one saying i'm home, but after i get offline, i perform the first non-texting task of my day: i have had a rule in place for a long time that before i go to sleep, i am to go to slave position for 5 minutes. Slave position is me on my knees, my face on the floor, arms stretched out before me, ass low...i am as low to the ground as i can be while still on my knees. Yes, there have been times when my kids have seen me doing this, and my explanation is that i am stretching....lol. Oh well, it works.
Padrone has asked me a time or two what i think of when i am in slave position, and it isn't easy to categorize, actually. i usually take the time to focus on who i am, allowing the thoughts and stress of work to just flow from my mind and body. But sometimes, darnit, i am simply thinking of the pile of laundry to do, how much i wish i didn't have to sleep during such a beautiful day, worrying about my kids for various reasons, wishing i didn't have to limit my availability to Padrone by sleeping...things like that. i mean, i would dearly love if my entire focus for every time in slave position was on Him, on our relationship, on my submission.... but that is so totally unrealistic to expect it, that even "i" with my usually-too-high expectations of myself can't expect that!
*whispering*...there have been a couple of times....well...a few times....that i have actually fallen asleep while in slave position. Ssssshhhhhhh.....
After slave position, i go to sleep. i send my hourly texts when i am awake, but i have to say that i miss that ritual, i love sending the texts for some reason. i can't send them while i'm at work, of course, except when on breaks and lunches.
When i wake up, i go to what we call position, or whore position, then i insert the big black cock-shaped dildo that Padrone bought me for Christmas the first year we were together. It is quite thick, and i wear it for at least 15 minutes, although i don't stay in position that long. i can wear it around the house, while drinking coffee, and a lot of times i wear it when i first get online and i'm waiting for Padrone. Sometimes that is a very erotic time, sometimes it makes me a horny bitch and i can't wait to see Him and hope He wants to use me! Sometimes it just makes me all submissive feeling because i know how much He loves for my ass to be filled. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, because of how thick it is, the time of the month for me, or even just because i don't want to wear it. Sometimes i am counting the minutes until it is over (i hate to say it, but that is because it is so thick and still quite difficult to wear for long periods of time, and sometimes 15 minutes is longer than other times). This is one of those things that i always love to do, even if only because i know my obedience is valued. That is an incredible feeling for a slave, and an amazing motivator.
Throughout the day i text every hour, letting Him know what i am doing. i once asked "what if i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by?" He said to text that i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by. i have to say that now i try hard to actually *do* something most of the time, so i guess it's a positive thing. Of course i am getting better at telling Him that i am just watching tv (something i rarely do), or relaxing or something. That has been a hard battle for me, internally, to get to the place that i can admit to my Master that i am doing....nothing productive. But the bottom line is, since i need to re-learn to take care of myself since i am working nights now, even relaxing is productive. That was a hard lesson.
This texting rule is the only one with built-in punishment. If i miss a text, even by one minute, then i am to write lines that night....50 lines for each hour i miss. Now if i fall asleep, i can't text (i used to try to wake up every hour to text, and it was causing major problems of course). But every hour i am awake, i am to text, with the knowledge that if i miss, i write lines. Last time i had to write them, He sent a text kidding me about it. Darnit. i HATE writing lines. And i really, REALLY hate when i miss only by a minute or two. That really is hard to swallow that i can't be given mercy for that short a time. But i understand why, in some ways, even if i still hate it and usually mutter to myself while i'm writing them when it is a matter of a few seconds that caused me to have to do it. And usually i am the one texting to Him that i will be writing lines that night....that one time, though, i thought i had texted a couple of minutes past the hour, and it was a couple of minutes before it. Dad-gummit.
i love to text, and i feel like a failure when i miss one, and it's usually by only a minute or two that i do. Yes, i know, my expectations are way too high. But i also think to myself, sometimes, why am i punished for failure, if i am expected to fail at times? Isn't perfection something that He expects of me as well, if there is punishment for failing to perform perfectly? But those are thoughts for another post.
Anyway, probably the most difficult thing for me, now, of any of the rules is to continue to put clothespins on my nipples when i use the bathroom. It is really quite painful at times, especially during certain times of the month. It keeps my nipples sensitive even when i wear a bra - if i brush my tits against something, it just.....hurts. But the way they are soooooooooo sensitive when we play.......oh god it is wonderful! And when i think about how He loves for them to be so sensitive, He loves my reactions when on the phone with Him....when i hear Him talk about how much He enjoys it....it is all worth it.
And that, my friends, is the bottom line for me.
Even when i don't feel submissive, my obedience makes me submissive. As Padrone said the other night, it isn't that He expects me to feel all the things i type about in my blog all the time, that is unrealistic. But He said that He provides the *chance* for me to feel that way so many times during my day. And you know what? i never know when that text will bring the submission to the forefront. i never know when slave position will bring tears to my eyes when i think of who and what i am. i never know when the jewel in my ass while i'm running errands will bring to mind His use and His control. So i am grateful for what He has provided for me, the framework that He has in place in my life to keep me obedient, and to allow my focus to turn to Him many times during my day.
i guess what i am trying to say with all these words is simple. We are both human, period, and it is because we accept that about each other that really makes it work. i have gotten so upset with Him at times, because it seemed that His expectations were not realistic within my life here. There have been times when He has questioned me because i didn't obey something that He didn't think was that difficult for me to do. But we have learned and grown from every trauma, every drama, until now there are few and it is a (mushy alert) wonderful, beautiful D/s relationship.
It has taken dedication. It has taken work, mental and emotional work, to try to understand and to mold ourselves and our expression of ourselves into the best we can be for each other. It has taken thought and incredible creativity to make things work as life changes happen. And mostly it has taken obedience, and strong, consistent control, to keep us together for this long, and to allow us to grow stronger in our relationship.
i never would have imagined it could be like this. (that's as mushy as i'm getting today, promise!)
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