i've been remiss

but not missing in action.

i've been busy (haven't we all?), Christmas, kids, the ex finally getting a job, my own job taking adjustments, plans for the future coming far too soon, and...well, sickness and irritability aren't very good companions this time of year either.

Maybe it's because it's New Year's Eve and the calendar turns a new page and we all have to start typing and writing 2010 rather than 2009 tomorrow, but most people i know have been in reflective kinds of moods. i am no exception.

The past week or so i have come to some conclusions that have been extremely difficult for me to reach, but i had to get there eventually. i've concluded that i am tired of feeling on the fringe of family life (with my parents, siblings, extended family). i have concluded that i made a huge mistake a few years ago when i opened up to someone in the family regarding my childhood abuse. i have concluded that sometimes silence is golden, and preserving relationships is sometimes more important than individual gratification. i have concluded that i despise the position i put myself in when i trusted that time would heal wounds.

It's too easy to blame the ones who treat me differently now. It's too easy to say "who cares"? because i do care. These people are people i grew up around, who i played with as a child, who shared the same Granny, who share the same memories now. It hurts to be totally cut out of their lives like a bag of garbage simply because they refuse to accept what happened to me. i understand their point, i do. And yet i know that if i had simply said nothing....gone for counselling without saying a word....that things would be different now, probably.

Things are different now for me as a woman as well. One of the cousins added me to facebook, has sent "ihearts" and "cafe world" and "farmville" gifts, but has yet to speak to me there, not even "liking" my status when Mark Ingram won the Heisman or when Alabama beat the snot out of Florida. Her mother (the widow of one of my molesters, go figure) added me, and the same thing....generic contact without any conversation at all. One of my sisters in law even refuses to add me as a friend on facebook, much less speak to me in person. So what happens when we all get together?

Just hurt feelings, things i shouldn't be hurt about because i am the one who brought them on myself. Things i shouldn't be hurt about because i tend to expect too much from people, and too soon. i won't be forgiven for breaking this silence, and i finally, finally realized it. It hurts because i had hoped, even though i didn't think i did. Sometimes i guess we don't recognize hope until it's gone.

So now, i am in the process of regrouping. This really hit hard today for some reason, this plus so many other things in December that have been hard. It's not an easy month but this year it seemed more difficult than usual. i'll make it, i don't stay down for long, and the new year holds lots of promise for me, and the potential for the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, so i do have a lot of work ahead of me, and a lot of good things happening. i'm just letting myself grieve over the loss of family for a little while first.

i'll probably be embarrassed that i talked about this, tomorrow - lol. Oh well, there's always delete post option!

Padrone, not the kind of post i usually make, and i know i share too much here at times. But it just feels right to kind of....purge the emotions through sharing. i know everyone is glad i did (major sarcasm there, btw). Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. i can't ever convey how deeply grateful i feel without it sounding as if i think i am nothing and You are everything, but You know that isn't how i see it. i know i am a strong, worthwhile woman with a lot of potential - it is just that i see just how big a part You played in bringing me to the point of accepting and enjoying who i am. Right now i am a bit melancholy i guess, reflective and admitting mistakes made and feeling regrets for my lack of wisdom in handling that situation, but You know that i will learn from this, grow from it, and work to make myself into a better woman, and a better slave, for You.

i love You, and i can't imagine life without You, Padrone. Happy New Year, Padrone and everyone!