Changes that don't really change things

First, a comment to Padrone:

Padrone, this post will be, in some ways, a recap of this morning's phone conversation. There will be newer things added though, because of course my mind doesn't stop once it latches onto a concept until it's completely finished!

Lately, as in the past several months at least, i have had to focus on myself quite a bit. It's been necessary, and i was working towards doing something Padrone *wants* me to do, so he hasn't only understood, but he has actively encouraged me to do so. He made me study, encouraged me when i would have given up otherwise, and the most bothersome to me, he set his own needs and desires aside to enable me to focus on what is going on here.

i am incredibly grateful to this man who wants me to be all i can be, to fulfill the potential i had begun to feel was nothing more than dust, and to accomplish things i have only dreamed of in the past.

But one unforeseen, and somewhat unnoticed, side effect of all of this has been that Padrone had stopped exerting his control above my framework of rules, and scening now and then, and the ocassional text ordering me to do something.

i found out that i passed the test on Tuesday morning. Since i am the type of person i am, the first thing i wanted to do was to find out what my next step will be, including different programs and time tables and if i can get a job in the fall and things like that. Padrone said no. i had to take two days totally off, to celebrate and simply enjoy my success. That was VERY hard to do, at first, but yesterday i found myself more relaxed than i have been in a long, long time. The beautiful time we had together yesterday helped quite a bit too, of course, but really it was his telling me no that did it.

i guess that prepared me mentally for a kind of breakthrough of sorts.

Breakthrough may be too strong a word, but it feels appropriate so i am using it.

Last night i did something that i have only ever done for Padrone, something that i am quite good at most of the time, even i must admit that! It's sexual in nature, but not for me - basically, since one-handed typing leads to boring typing, and all the "work" is on the woman in that kind of situation anyway, when he has a strong need to cum, he will tell me to serve him, and since i have asked for him to let me know if he has specific needs or desires, he will let me know things to include. What that means is that i basically type out a scene within the framework of his specific needs, and am free to express my surrender in any other ways as well.

It's fun, most of the time, except actually *starting* it!

Last night as the scene progressed, i used some terminology i have never used before, and it started the mental wheels spinning. We've been exploring humiliation/degradation to a degree lately, although most recently it's been ignored because of circumstances in my life. And that was what struck me full force - how much Padrone has put aside his own needs out of consideration for my situation. i think that, upon beginning the service with the pain he needed, the need to simply become nothing more than meat for his pleasure took over my entire being as evidenced by the cruelty, the coldness, i attributed to Padrone, and the fact that i called myself a generic word - animal. Not even bitch or fuckpig, no specific anything, i had no identity at that point beyond a hole to fuck or pulverized meat to torment even more.

It struck me then, and developed into so much more later, that i am ready for whatever Padrone needs from me. i know that sounds rather odd, after all the time we have been together, but i know Padrone so well you see, and i know that he restrains himself not only due to circumstances, but also out of consideration for me - for my emotions, my stress levels, my convenience even. Of course, with long distance, circumstances play a major factor in controlling my daily life, and Padrone himself is no micromanager so that leaves me with a sense of freedom that i didn't understand completely, and which also kind of....well, hurt to a degree.

See, since our communication is mostly one-sided unless we're in conversation (i.e. i text and email HIM, but rarely vice versa), it was more difficult to *know* that Padrone did more than have passing thoughts of me throughout his day. i KNOW i am silly, and i really wasn't even thinking about it, much less freaking out over it. i just noticed it today when he mentioned a specific *way* he restrains himself, and i thought...wow. i never knew that.

i also never realized how much....he just wants to use random things, meaningless things, to exert his control. i say meaningless, but what i mean is that they mean nothing except that i will do what he says, even if i don't want to, or think it's silly or not productive, or whatever. The example he gave was something he used to do quite often but which hasn't been done in a while - he will text and tell me to go to position, or kneel in a corner, and use a toy in a specific hole, and whether or not i am allowed to cum. For instance, i may get a text saying "Go to position with the vibe buzzing in that ass for 5 minutes. No cumming." or different variations thereof.

He also mentioned telling me to go back home when i'm in town, even if i get pissed about it - lol. The only time i'll get really angry i think, is if i have been grocery shopping and am halfway through, and would have to start over again when i go back, but then again, if i'm at the library relaxing, i may get pissed too, i never know!

i never knew that he thought things like that often, because he rarely acts on it, and...he has never told me he does. That's what hurt when i realized it, but it is a natural consequence of the one-sidedness of our daily communication. It won't change, and i won't nag him, so i will trust that he will discover that telling me things like his needs (even if they are passing urges, if they are typical things for him), will allow me to try to think of ways to help meet them, even if only partially so. For instance, once i knew of his ... thoughts about controlling me that popped up during the day, but which at times he couldn't act on because he might come online and find a text saying i had gone to town or something, i came up with an idea that will possibly give him the opportunity to control me more, and also to kind of give him an idea of how urgent my plans for the day are so he will know if i can be flexible or if it would be impossible to obey an interruption if he so chose.

So i am going to send a general "to do list" for the day to him. i'm not a great planner (from day to day - goal setting and plans to meet the goals, i am learning to do better), especially when i'm not held accountable for the plans being fulfilled, so i'm generally pretty flexible with my time off work. If he knows, for instance, that i plan to clean the kitchen and the bathroom, go grocery shopping, and do laundry, and that's all....he knows i have some flexibility. If i have to get my daughter to or from work, or have some sort of appointment, that's totally different, but that's just life in general. It will be my responsibility to plan ahead enough to be able to let him know what i expect to do, though, and that will mean remembering, which means i have to drag my planner out again. Not a bad thing, but i am far more comfortable with spontaneity, even though i am more productive when using a planner!

Anyway, i am typing about all of this for a couple of reasons. First, because it feels as if i am missing something that i could, or should, do to .... become more available for control at his whim, maybe? What else can i offer, how else can i give him the information that would make it easier for him to control me as he wishes?

Another reason is because it helps to clarify things in my own mind when i do type things out like this. This post is a bit more graphic and specific than i usually type, but that's fine. It doesn't hurt to give a little insight into just *how* things work with us. And that was the last identifiable reason i typed all this, btw - lol.

i *know* Padrone. He has my best interests at heart, and there are times when he treats me more as woman than as slave, and yet that is something i deeply treasure about our relationship. i don't see it as a hindrance, as some others do, unless it gets out of balance, or unless it prevents Padrone from expressing what he needs or wishes to express. If he begins to suppress his need to control me because of how the woman may feel, then it can eventually lead into a problem for the D/s aspects of our relationship. i strongly believe that every successful D/s relationship has a good overall balance of D/s and non-D/s aspects, and so i hope that he will begin to express his needs, in big and small ways, whenever he feels like it (within the confines of our circumstances of course). He will be freer to do so if i can provide more information to him, and by that, more opportunities as well.

The D/s is still not only there, but strong and healthy. Please don't misunderstand that. He is happy owning me, i *know* that. And i am happy being his slave as well! But i know the potential dangers of ... well, neglecting that side of ourselves. It's not there yet. It's not even on the horizon. But the *potential* is there, and i am ready to...well, to be more...i hate to use "available" but i guess that's exactly what i am trying to say. More available for his use, if he wishes to use me.

It's time to focus on the D/s for a while now, maybe, and that, for me, means focusing on Padrone and meeting his needs. And maybe what i am ready for is simply being used as he wishes in order to do just that. It isn't about me, about my own needs, or even about what i want or love or hate. It isn't a *need* i have to please him. It's just...right for me to express what i am, who i am, more than i have been doing through simple obedience within the framework of standing rules.

i can show my devotion through emotional means, and through positive things, but when it comes to showing it through not necessarily positive things, it's not so easy to offer, unless i *want* or *need* it myself. And Padrone understands that, he has told me that he wants me to express my needs, but not to pretend to need something i don't. For example, he would love for me to act more sexual, but it is difficult for me to do for some reason, sometimes even when i am feeling horny. He doesn't expect me to act as if i feel sexual when i'm not. i don't express a need for sex if i don't feel that need. That's the idea here...but there is a time when offering availability to show more submission in general is appropriate, and now is that time, or so i believe.

So what i guess i offer now is...more availability through giving more detailed information about my days, and more readiness to obey whenever and whatever he wishes. i am NOT expressing this well at all, because frankly, it is almost impossible to express the shift inside of me, the peace of surrender, without making it seem as if i was holding something back before, and that simply wasn't the case.

i honestly think that maybe i...trust that Padrone is also ready to take what he wants more, rather than taking what is offered and only occasionally taking more. We are happy as we are, but maybe i am ready to trust that we can be even happier.

Padrone, i know i kind of restated what all we talked about this morning, but it helped me to clarify some things. i am so happy to be your slave and your woman, Padrone. i hope to be able to give back to you in ways, and depths, that will please you and meet your needs to the fullest extent possible within the confines of our relationship. i love your care of me, and i hope to show my care for you through ever-deepening and ever-more-present submission. i love you.