Some things are just too private and personal to share here, of course. i won't even go there, but i think maybe i can type something about an epiphany of sorts, although i think that is too....definitive.....a word to use to describe what is happening within me. It's been far too gradual to be an epiphany, even if the thought itself hit me "upside the head" as we say down south.
Those who know us know that Padrone and i are close. i am forever commenting that i don't know how we could get any closer, and yet.....we always seem to grow even more close as time passes, and as we work at our relationship. And yes, even though we know each other well, we still work on our relationship. i am proud that neither of us is complacent about it. Neither of us take the other for granted, and if we seem to, there is always a "door" open; communication is something we both value highly, and both do well (when He wants to, of course).
He always seems to want to when it is important, isn't that amazing? lol
The point of what i am trying to say today is that there are certain things He says that.....i don't always hear the true meaning of. Usually i'm pretty good at it, except when He says positive things about me. Again, it's a result of some history, things happening in the past that He has had to deal with and feel repurcussions of, even though He doesn't even come close to deserving it. Basically, no matter how much i think i trust Him, there is always, ALWAYS, part of me that holds back. i mentioned a part yesterday that i am not sure i can ever change, but i am grateful that He accepts that possibility, even though i know He holds hope that i can.
For the first time in my life, even with my family, when someone says to me "I love you", there is no stated or even implied "but" attached to the end of it. Even when He doesn't say the words, even when He says other words, or when His actions show His feelings, i know, and finally accept as fully as i can at this time, that He means just exactly that. He loves me. The only thing that follows that statement or thought is a period. There is no "but" followed by reasons i'm not really loveable or acceptable after all. He doesn't make me feel unworthy, ever, especially while making statements of love. He doesn't make me feel that i should be eternally grateful that He loves me, and that nobody else would have me because of how bad a person i am. He doesn't make me feel, even when He's upset with me, that i'm on the verge of being released, or that He will stop loving me because i have upset Him. Those thoughts of being on the verge of release and that He will stop loving me because He is upset with me, come solely from me, and yes they are also repurcussions from past relationships that He has to deal with.
i will never forget, nor will i ever cease to be grateful for, what You have given me, Padrone. And when i think of all the things You have had to deal with, and yet You never gave up, even though You may have been tempted during some tough times.....You saw the same thing i did, the thing that didn't let us give up....You saw the potential for a strong, fulfilling relationship with the kind of slave You always wanted, and i saw the same with the kind of Master *i* had always wanted.
Now You know where those thoughts come from, Padrone. That doesn't make them any less of a fear, although i am working on that too. Understanding, for me, is the first step in overcoming the fears. my wonderful Padrone, You collared a girl with a ton of baggage to cause You problems, but Your patience, love, acceptance, and consistancy is helping to empty the trunks, and allow me to let go of so many things and really belong to You. It keeps getting deeper, and stronger, and more wonderful as time goes by.
Thank You, my Master, for more than i could ever put into words.
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