i am not sure that today's post will make much sense, as it seems to me that there is just a huge jumble of words in my mind just bursting to be poured out on you unsuspecting folks. So please be warned, this one is probably going to be a bit deep.
If any of y'all were around last night in the channel in IRC that we go to, You saw something that was, on the surface, quite boring, but which one slave described as poetry....as did Padrone, afterwards. i said magic, but hey, what do i know?
What happened was far more than i can hope to put into words. Maybe i shouldn't try. But i know me, and i know i have no choice but to make the attempt at least. If it makes no sense, then so be it, but i will have at least expressed the little i can.
All that happened, on the surface, was that after i had been kept horny all day, He teased and tormented me as i humped and fucked air, total whore for His pleasure, until He brought me over His lap, kissed me and gently let me down a bit.....then ordered me to cum, as the storm was passing, bringing the storm back to the forefront, the orgasm more strong a release than i can explain. Simple torment of a slave by her Master, right? Yes, but....
The underlying dynamics that others saw a glimpse of, but which literally left me speechless afterwards, were deep and strong. His control, the unique way He has of playing me like a fine instrument, creating the symphony He loves and needs to hear, is a beautiful thing to experience, and seems to be quite moving to watch as well based on the response we have gotten at IRC at least. But last night there was more....He revealed Himself to me in a way that He rarely does, and which i am more than grateful that He can do. His tenderness...that i see in Him in so many ways, but which He seldom consciously expresses, was more moving than i can begin to explain. It is as He says, i suppose, that it is more special because it is so rare. i asked if maybe i should stop showing my emotions quite so freely, so that the expression of them would be more special to Him...lol.
His tenderness....and how freely and naturally He expressed it.....triggered something in me, something that i am not sure i have finished really .. seeing through, for lack of a better term. But when we talked, i had no choice but to offer everything to Him. As i told Him, it isn't that i have no limits now, or that my limits are His....what it is, is that my limits exist in His imagination. He tested me, and i won't say how, but....He wanted my reaction to things He said "and if i asked you to...." regarding. He also had me do something physically that i had listed in my limits list when we first met, and which He has never even played online before. No, it wasn't easy. But the choice of whether it ever happens again is His. He now knows it fully.
But there were also things i thought of later that i am not sure i could truly give if He chose to take. Well, one thing anyway....and that is sharing Him. i am "getting there" intellectually regarding flirting and teasing. i see it for what it is and don't try to make it something it isn't, for the most part anyway. But the thought of....sharing the intimacy....the deep closeness.....i can't even bear to think about Him like that with another submissive. So, when i was allowed to call Him this morning, i brought that exception to the "everything i will do" and "nothing i won't do" for Him that i stated so clearly last night. That, i know, wasn't something that had even crossed His mind, but as i said, it is a very real problem for me. i could hear His smile, and i won't say His response, but it was quite natural and .... well, not even reassuring, it was a simple fact. Such a wonderful, giving man i belong to.
The only thing i really fear, as far as our relationship is concerned, is that i will lose Him to another. Yes, He did chuckle when i told Him that, because i do know, quite well, that He is as full of me, of what i give Him, as i am of what He gives me. i know that His one experience with owning two slaves at once wasn't a good one for Him, but i fear being replaced as well. i can't imagine it happening....if it does, it will take someone quite incredible to draw His attention from the fulfilling relationship we have now. Yes, i know, such a contradiction. i know things, yet i fear the opposite. Oh well, such is the way this slave's mind works.
i also had another thought, one that i didn't reveal to Him earlier but which i did mention having. i finally realized a few things about some tendencies i have, not that it will help me to change them, but....well, as i learned, understanding is vital to me. (Thank You again, Padrone, for understanding and accepting that.)
i realized that my need to understand, which results in over-analyzing most things, stems from the way i didn't understand all the pain-filled things that happened to me when i was young. Then, i just didn't understand why things happened to me, why people did them. And since i couldn't understand them....i feared them.....and i started overanalyzing things to create a safety zone around me. i analyzed everything, and if i couldn't twist my thinking into understanding something, then it was a threat to me. Now, it is the same way to an extent. Things i don't understand are things to be nervous of. An explanation of why comes as naturally to me as an observation of what, most times. If i can't figure out why something is, or someone acts a certain way.....then i try my hardest to avoid it. Those are the things that upset me most. And those are the things i try hardest, now, to keep from getting upset about.
Btw, yes, i do know that it's a control thing, and that to trust that which i don't understand, even if it is regarding Padrone who i trust deeply, means to give contol in a more deep and meaningful way. i just can't do it yet. Not....yet....maybe not ever....and i am grateful that my Master doesn't push me in things like that....He just lets the changes happen, if they do, as they will. i know He appreciates them when they happen, but He appreciates more the effort it takes on my part to....let them happen. Change isn't easy, especially when it can seem that my very personality is changing because of things learned and accepted. And yes, it has. And yes, my Padrone is proud to watch His slave grow and develop into a healthy, whole woman, rather than the scared little girl pretending to be a women He first knew. That drives me to work even harder, when necessary, to make Him even more proud of me.
i never realized where that nature came from, Padrone. i just know it is something that YOU have had to work to accept about me. i know it isn't something easy for You; it seems that my nature causes problems because i do tend to make mountains out of molehills. But i finally do realize, even if i am not explaining it well, that the mountain itself is my lack of understanding. The molehill is simply the thing i don't understand. Related, but not exactly one thing developing into the other.
i apologize for the length of this post. And i know i didn't really say what i intended to say when i began typing here. But i think it says enough, even if it isn't easy to understand.
Padrone, all i can say is thank You. Thank You for choosing to accept who i am, and not change my behavior too much. Thank You for choosing to trust me, that my nature is simply that, and that i will control my behavior to the best of my ability, even if i can't control my nature. That is a very real gift, and a huge part of what allows our relationship to grow and deepen. Thank You, my Owner.
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