i've been thinking more about the change that happened, that allowed me to.....what? have my hopes fulfilled? Probably, although that's not really what i mean to say - it will suffice however.
The key to that change was in trusting Him, but i really didn't trust Him when i first changed my behavior. i truly thought, consciously, "i am so tired of protecting myself from being hurt." i guess i decided to place that responsibility squarely on Padrone's shoulders. i wasn't sure if i should or not. i knew that i had been wanting to for quite some time, but i didn't know if.....well if He would accept it, or if He would tell me that my emotions were my own responsibility. i didn't know Him as well then, and i was a lot more hesitant and timid when it came to being His then. i didn't want to burden Him with that responsibility, my emotional safety. i wasn't sure He *wanted* that burden, and all that it entailed. So in a way there was an element of "You asked for it, You got it!" but not at the moment of change......rather when i would ponder and daydream of being free to totally submit to Him.
One night i just "snapped" i guess. The control that i had held so tightly, over my emotions, my need, my yearning to belong fully to Him.....He brushed it aside easily on that infamous evening that i have mentioned so many times. i resisted Him even then, in the beginning. It was not sexual. It was pure D/s. He told me over and over......i own you.....i own you.....i control you...you are MINE. i was crying, i didn't want to give Him what He needed from me. To do so would mean accepting things i wasn't sure i could accept. It meant letting go of things that justified my selfishness. It meant exposing the emotions that i was protecting so voraciously. It meant trusting this Man, who had yet to expose Himself deeply, with my heart. It meant turning the corner from being hurt if He released me, to being devastated if it happened. i didn't think i was strong enough to bear that kind of vulnerable exposure. i resisted Him....out of fear....
If i let go of all of the self-protective defense mechanisms that were so deeply entrenched, what would happen? Who would i become? Would i become a doormat, a "yes girl"? If i gave in to the need that i knew He could fill, and gave the control He wished to have over me, then what kind of person would i be? Who was *really* underneath the exterior that i only let a few even peek beyond? Was a *truly* submissive, or was it all a game......where when it was easy, i would submit, when it was more difficult, i would find excuses? i knew, even that night, that if i let that last wall even crack, that it would be irrevocable, no matter what was behind it.
It's strange. i just this moment realized that i never truly knew who i was, how deep my submission went, until Padrone. i had served Masters rl, online, on phone......and some had asked some difficult things. But none needed for there to be no walls, no barriers. None needed so much of me, and so there was no need to find out what was behind them. That is why i was so fearful. No matter *what* i suspected, that part of me had never been exposed, been tried, been tested.
Even though i was almost immobilized by the fear, which i think is natural before any life changing, person changing, event.....i chose.
What i chose to do was something He had been teaching me, even if He didn't realize that it was what He was teaching me. i took His lesson and expounded on it, actually. But He had been teaching me that no matter what the emotions were that i felt, it was my actions that were judged. So what i chose to do was to BEHAVE as if i trusted Him, to behave as if He controlled me as fully as ...... i wished He could, but without all the pain of vulnerability. i chose to behave as if i could be the one He needed. But what happened in reality was no mere behavior at all.
By making that choice, i chose to open my heart and mind to Him, because what i hadn't understood from the lessons were that when one acts as if one trusts.....or believes......or respects.....or loves....or honors......or cherishes......then one tends to plant seeds of those things. For me, it wasn't planting seeds. i already trusted Him, i just was too scared to admit it until that moment.
i remember that moment so clearly. i just moaned with almost a sense of helplessness, and i heard His answering soft sound of acknowledgement. The wall crashed as i stopped pushing to hold it up. And the most amazing thing began that night. i started the real journey into becoming His woman, rather than a girl to Him. i accepted what He offered, although i had no idea what it was. i offered my all, and........i trusted that He would hold my emotions in a safe place. i trusted that......showing my deep feelings for Him would not......run Him off.
That trust is so very well placed. The changes have been remarkable, dramatic, and natural. But the contentment and peace that flows through my being stems from the simple fact that......i am His. i am simply His.
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