my Hope Chest

i freely admit that i am an old-fashioned woman. i have old fashioned values and an old-fashioned outlook on life. Maybe that is a strange thing to say in a D/s blog, but it is true nonetheless.

When i was small, my favorite set of books was the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Because of that, i learned a bit about that era from other sources, actually trying to find books that were as "good" as those, but one thing that was a common practice in that time period, that always fascinated me was the idea of a Hope Chest.

For those who don't know, a hope chest is typically a chest made of cedar, in which young girls would store things they made or obtained throughout childhood and young adulthood, so that when they got married they would have a "start". Now we go buy sheets and pillowcases, and think nothing of it, but then......then they were hand sewn, and many times the embroidery on the pillowcases was so beautiful that it boggles the mind to think of the hours spent on them. Other things were added, petticoats, nightgowns, tablecloths, napkins, so many things that a woman needed to begin a marriage. Even impractical things that one might have obtained, like a sampler or a comb and hairbrush set. These things were made and stored in "hopes" that she would find a man, hence the name hope chest.

Well, somehow i made a correlation between that and relationships as a whole. Told y'all i think too much!

When we come into a relationship, we have a different kind of hope chest. We have expectations and beliefs and desires and needs and wants and requirements and limits and ghosts and demons and fears and issues and baggage, but.....if we didn't have hope, we would not enter into a relationship. We hope that things will work out the way we want them to. We hope we aren't hurt as we were in the past. We hope that we have found our "one". We hope our searching is over. We hope we can remember the day of our collaring long enough to have an anniversary. We hope that all "our" needs are met. We have a chest full of hopes. Every person, male or female, that enters into a relationship brings along a mental and emotional hope chest.

my hopes when i first became Padrone's, so long ago, were that somehow the holes inside me would at least get something in them, because i never dared dream that they would be filled. my hopes were almost squashed by my fears as the relationship grew, though. But the hope survived, even when i thought to myself.......i can't do this ONE moment longer! The hope grew even when my birthday gift had to be delayed a day because of someone else's needs. The hope grew even after being offline for the most part of several weeks due to the aftermath of Katrina. The hope grew despite misunderstandings and things (but unerring consistancy, which was MUCH needed to build trust) that made me get upset and yell "unfair!". The hope grew even after He went offline because of His demanding slaves. The hope grew even after He came back online and refused to talk about anything, just picked up from a new place and moved along. The hope grew .....even after i almost gave up, depressed and knowing that i was fighting a battle within myself over many things, but seeing no way out of that place other than asking for release. i still hoped....the hope never died.....the hope grew...and grew.....and grew.

One day i suddenly realized something. It wasn't a coherent thought process, it was just was a change in myself that i have tried to analyze over and over and failed to do so. Somehow, i began to trust what He did when He let me know in no uncertain terms that i was His because He WANTED me to be His and for no other reason. That changed my life, y'all. It changed my focus. He wanted me, even when i was as selfish as i was, so focused on my own needs. He wanted me even when my fears created demands and jealousy and emotions that i allowed to distract my focus from of what was truly important. And i somehow started to believe that. A miracle.

One day i came to understand that they only way my hope chest would be filled with things, rather than hopes, was to truly submit to the one who could do just that. It was a huge leap of faith, believe me. But slowly, gradually, the holes began to fill in. When i finally, truly, submitted.......when i finally put His needs first....when i finally, finally, began to be the schiava He needed and wanted......that is when the hopes started becoming real truths. And they have. They have in ways i could never describe, but which i feel to the depths of my being. i am His.

So what is in my hope chest now? Well, the one i have in my bedroom is filled with books, a type of hope in themselves but that's for another time and place. The emotional hope chest is no longer needed. The hopes are either all fulfilled, or if they aren't, because i always hope for something.....then i know who can either fill them Himself, or help me learn to fill them myself, which is just as important.

The hopes have been replaced, for the most part, with reality of deep control, expression of deep submission, contentment, love, trust, respect, knowledge of being needed and wanted and valued as and for what i am, understanding of Him and being understood *by* Him, ability and desire to serve Him, His need and love of that service, and total and absolute acceptance on the part of both of us.

Padrone, most of the holes that were in my heart and mind, caused by distrust, ghosts, and fears, have been filled. You have turned hopes into realities, and helped to close so many wounds...which was the most basic, unspoken, even unthought, hope.

Thank You, my Master, my Leader, my Guide, my Love, my Owner.