It's been several days since i have typed here, things happening in my life have prevented it, and also i only type when there is something to type about.
i typed some thoughts in an email to Padrone last night, that have been on my mind lately. There are more of course, but i think i will type about them right now.
First, something i heard yesterday morning kind of summed up some thoughts that i have been having often lately, but which i wasn't able to really put into words. The statement that i heard was in relation to something else entirely, but it basically was something to the effect of "If we open the door just a crack, it gets easier and easier to open it wider and wider until it is all the way open and we wonder how it got that way."
What does that have to do with anything i might write about here? Well, actually, quite a bit. In terms of a long distance relationship of any sort, much less a D/s one, any "door" that we allow to open, even a crack, must be one that will allow positive things into the relationship. No matter how tempting, or how harmless something can seem, if it is wrong or detrimental to the relationship, then it MUST be kept out. That is far easier said than done, and many times it seems that a *person* is shut out rather than the affect that interaction with Him/her might have on a relationship.
That sounds a bit confusing, i know. But the bottom line is that there are folks "out there" who will try to influence a relationship in a negative way. i have had folks hint about things regarding Padrone. i have had them outright say things about Him, as if i don't know Him at all. i have had folks "wonder" things in my PM. And i am sure He has heard the same about me. And yes, if that particular door, listening to others rather than to *each* other, were opened even a crack, it would come crashing in and the relationship would be put in severe jeopardy if not ruined completely.
Other doors that should be kept firmly shut are those of negative thinking. This, as y'all may know already, is one i struggle with at times. No, i am not saying one should be eternally optimistic and never see anything other than positive things. That is stupidity rather than reality. But what i am saying is.....to try to keep all things in perspective. Hold on to what you *know* to be true.....or maybe you don't really *know* it. (another thought for another time) Here's an example from my recent past:
i have noticed Padrone commenting about other girls lately. He has rarely done that publicly in my presence, so it is something i am adjusting to. Because of things happening where i live, i am a bit more on the negative side than the positive side in my thinking, and so i not only picked up on His words, but i began to worry about them. i proudly say "began" because i successfully stopped myself from making a mountain out of...well, not even a molehill.....because i remembered words that He had told me recently, and that i accepted as truth when He said them. If they were true a few days ago, why wouldn't they be true today? And so, again, the trust becomes more deeply and firmly rooted. (btw, i am not saying i won't ever feel jealous again, just that i successfully pulled that stinking weed from the fertile soil of my imagination, that's all.)
What does all that indicate, in terms of my emotional state? It indicates that i am feeling, as i told Him via email last night, more and more emotionally safe being His.
To talk about that, i need to discuss, very briefly, my D/s history, and a couple of statements about my non-D/s history. i, like so many submissives, have trust issues when it comes to emotions. So many of us have been hurt because we trust and submit too easily (even in vanilla relationships, i was always submissive and trusted that i would be respected). That led me to build huge walls, so typical. Anyway, with my first Dom, i was totally blown away by the emotions of submission, as well as the acts. It was a huge rush, and i fell madly in love....with submission. When that relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly, i was very much like a fish out of water, flopping, feeling as if i was strangling, dying from lack of "air" - the emotion of submission that i felt so deeply via expression. There was a time of searching for the same kind of satisfying expression i had with that Dom, but i couldn't find it. All the while, i had a friend who was a constant in my life....a Dom friend who owned another submissive. He was supportive when i needed him to be, he was firm with me when i needed that. And i fell in love with him, although i never told him so, until well after his relationship with his other submissive had ended, at least.....lol.
We met a few times - it was also a long distance relationship, but we were in the same geographic region of the same country. After one of our meetings, we revealed our feelings for one another and began a D/s relationship that lasted for 2 years or so. Maybe not that long. Anyway, that's not important. The important thing is that he helped me learn to trust again. We had known each other for years before becoming Master and submissive, and i did trust him on a certain level, more than i trusted anyone. It grew deeper of course, as we grew closer.
i said all that to say this. What i had with that man was totally superficial, even the trust. i never would have admitted it until recently, because i am loyal to a fault and i truly didn't want to change my opinion of what we had. It hasn't changed, because it was precisely what i needed then, what HE needed then, and it ended when it needed to end. But it was nothing, literally nothing, compared to what Padrone and i have.
Padrone needs to control my life as much as He can.....the areas He chooses to control anyway. He needs to know that i not only am always available, but that i am usually also eager for His use. He does want to use me, and not just scene or play. Padrone isn't hesitant to let me know that i am here for His pleasure, and that my pleasure is His to allow or not....i am not "owed" any pleasure, have no "right" to pleasure. All of that kind of thing is His.
He needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His. Of course He values my mind, my thoughts, my opinions - i am not a robot, or what i used to say "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. He wishes to control my thoughts - not what they are, but *where* they are - as much as He possibly can. This is new to me, and so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. And it is in stark contrast to anything i have ever experienced before. That is why i say that all other relationships have been superficial at best. This, my friends, is what a real D/s relationship is.
Total commitment on both sides, to fulfill the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. Being as submissive as He is Dominant. And vice versa.
i am Your schiava, totally and fully surrendered. You are my Padrone, commited and fully controlling. Thank You, my Owner.
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