Learning

i didn't write this. Actually these are thoughts i copied off a plaque in the studio of one of my kids' piano teacher. Here is the copied text, and i feel free to copy this because it was printed on the plaque as "anonymous".

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you begin to learn that love doesn't mean leaving and company doesn't mean security. And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you learn to accept your defeats with the grace of a man or a woman - not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's dreams have a way of falling down midflight.

"After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

"After a while you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn, and you learn."

i think that may need to be altered to read "if you want to learn, you learn, and you learn, and you learn". So many of us play games, and continue to play them even after we are caught. Some of us are quite bold and brazen, but the reason the games are played is for attention and self gratification. In an environment such as IRC one can seem to be quite worthy based on ability to type imaginatively, to use words to stimulate, to arouse, to submit/Dominate. The problem is that ability to type does not make one a worthwhile person. BUT, the more praise and acceptance one finds in that, the more he/she will seek that praise out. A person can come to place his/her own value on how she is seen in an online chat server. Who he/she really is, sometimes has no bearing on his/her online life. That is sad, but so very true.

What opened my eyes to my own behavior like that was something i was taught a few of years ago, that the best source for validation of my worth lies within my own skin. i didn't believe it until i was forced to admit one positive thing about myself. i wasn't allowed the typical "well, yes.....BUT" that i always excused anything good about me with. i had a fairly good handle on what caused me to act certain ways when i met Padrone....but He is the one who taught me that motivation for behaviors doesn't excuse the behaviors themselves. It is our actions that determine how we are judged by others.

Learning to trust in one's own intrinsic value sometimes means making some seemingly impossible admissions about ourselves. It means being brutally honest with ourselves, in terms of why we act in certain ways. It means digging deeper, admitting mistakes, admitting that we aren't the "perfect person" we would present ourselves to be, accepting, trusting, that we are acceptable as we are, with all of our flaws and scars. That acceptance can only come after admitting that we are flawed and scarred....and exposing them, at least to ourselves. It is strange that sometimes admitting the worst, makes accepting the best easier.

That is how, and when, we learn. As we do that more and more often, it becomes a little easier, mainly because we more readily accept the necessity for it, knowing that the end result will be well worth the pain from the introspection.

i want to learn, and learn, and learn. i make a vow, right now, to be as honest with myself, about myself, as i can... learning to accept the positives, as well as admit the negatives. i vow to work hard to avoid excuses and blame-shifting, evasion, and manipulation. These things are natural for humans, and i don't how well i will succeed in avoiding them, but i will work hard at it.

my Padrone deserves no less than an honorable, confident, strong and deeply submissive slave. And He will *have* no less, from me.