Held

Today......so many thoughts running through my mind today, after some wonderful, beautiful, awesome use last night! Oh that Man can take control of me so easily, and so deeply, even though we have never seen each other face to face. It isn't the seeing that is important, i have learned, it is who He is, and who i am, and how we interact with one another.

Last night there was deep use. He took me places i only rarely reach......i floated so wonderfully after His deep, hard use of my body, mind, soul. i get silly now and then, as i have said before, but He is so very quick to reassure me....far more toften than i deserve. He is so good to me.....He agrees of course, but He truly is.

After the use, there was discussion, as there often is. We learn so much about each other during those times...the intimate times, when He has molded me into ..... more His than i was before. He melts me.....reshapes me into nothing but His. It is amazing, the fluidity i feel when He uses me. i can feel my will leaving my body, my ability to think for myself given totally to Him. Last night the subspace was so deep that my fingers tingled with longing to touch Him. That doesn't happen often, although sometimes the desire to touch Him is stronger than at other times. i do miss touch......but our minds and hearts touch so often and so deeply, that the physical touch isn't missed as much as you might think. i know, it is hard to understand. But it is quite real.

So thoughts that i have been thinking are of His patience.....His love.....His deep need for me, for my pain, for my surrender. i've been thinking of relationships, where we have come from, the struggle, the work it has taken to get where we are. i've been thinking of jealousy and pettiness, and how difficult it is to control actions when one feels them. i have been thinking of fears and overcoming them, and i have been thinking of so many jewels my crown now bears.

He will never let me go. That is something that made it difficult for such a long time, because i expected Him to let me go anytime i wasn't "perfect". i expected Him to give up on me at any time....But He held me. He held me and molded me, and taught me, and let me choose whether i would be His or not, based on His expectations of what He wanted me to be. i had freedom.....but the longer i remained His......the more the hand holding me closed, the more firmly He molded me, the more He expected from me, and......the tighter He held me. When He released His other slave, i had to learn to trust that His grip on me would not loosen, and even though He didn't understand why, He held me even more lovingly than before, and just as firmly as ever. And i am learning that i may hold just as tightly to Him.

What a lucky, loved, cherished, woman i am.