Growing Pains

Have any of y'all ever experienced growing pains? One of my kids did, and it was sheer torture to watch. Even as a teen, there are times when ibuprofen is needed in the middle of the night, or a hot bath, and sometimes even now there are tears. i mean, it started before age 2, and they are still a problem in the teen years....lots of lots of time. They have lessened in frequency, of course, as the growing has slowed, but the intensity is still very painful.

i know we've all experienced the same kind of things in our relationships. There are times when all seems steady and calm, on course and fulfilling, then suddenly *wham*, there is drama and upset. Of course, that happens as relationships grow and deepen, because no matter how much we know, or trust, our partner...there are always places we have never been before, with this particular one. In our relationship, these growing pains happen because of me. See...for me, where i am already with Padrone is a place i have never been with anyone else. That sometimes scares me into emotional paralysis.

What happens then? Well, i get what Padrone so kindly calls "silly". i get highly emotional, easily upset, a bit volatile. i get fearful and worried and .... well, i try to test Him, even after all this time. Lately it has been because i feel that i am on the brink of some sort of....dive into deeper trust....or something equally as challenging. i feel strongly that there is a change going on inside me, one that - provided i can overcome the fear and let it happen - will help our relationship. The problem is that some things it would require of me, i simply don't want to do.

So what has that got to do with growing pains? i think, in our relationship, my own personal growth causes the most drama and upset, and it is what causes the "growing pains". i do realize, now, that it is difficult for Him as well, when i go through these spells. i don't know exactly how difficult, of course....but He loves me, and He wants us both to be happy in the relationship we have. Why i insist on trying to convince myself that He is just too good to be true, then trying to "trap" Him into behaving like all those from the past have behaved, i don't know. Well, i *do* know, but i don't know how to stop it. i think what has to happen is that i have to find the key that will open the door and allow me to believe that He really is who i know He is.

That is the wall that i face now. At least i know it is there, and i am grateful that we have journeyed so far to reach it. It may take some time for this particular wall to fall, but one thing i have learned, and i trust deeply when i am not being "silly", is that He is faithful, patient, supportive, and encourages me to work through all this kind of thing. He is even incredibly understanding and gives me time when i need it, even though it may not be what He really wants. He has put His own needs and desires aside for me, y'all. Not often enough for me to expect it, or even want it when He does it, but He still puts me first sometimes. Yes, i know that has to happen at times. i am not really comfortable with it, and that is something else i have to work on. But i also know that the reason He does it is because when i make it through these times, i am a far better slave (and a far better woman, just as important to Him) than i was before it started.

Lately i have had some pretty....well, depressing things happen where i live. i began to believe that there is no way Padrone could still want me, i felt that i couldn't do anything right, much less be a good slave to such a wonderful Man. No, i wasn't giving Him credit for being understanding, and yes, i was seeing from my own perspective. But i am realizing that He sees not circumstances....He sees me. Such a simple, but dramatic, concept....if one doesn't "get it"....and suddenly does.

i will learn, i am learning, Padrone .... to trust that You are the man i know You are. i don't know how long it will take, but i promise You, it will happen. i will let go of this deep seated fear of rejection and abandonment that i carry like an old friend.

It won't happen with You. You won't suddenly turn away, nor will You keep me collared just to maintain the status quo. You own me, in a real and deep sense. i am more than sexual fulfillment to You. i am totally and completely Yours, and i am surrendering more and more as i see things that i haven't yet released.

i am sure that is part of the difficulty in letting go, that i am holding on to some really negative things - because the opposite, the positives that will replace them, i have never felt. The unknown is always somewhere that i don't want to venture into, and so i tend to cling to my old things with a passion - until, as has happened in our relationship before - the walls come down and i wonder why it took so long, because the happiness and peace is so amazing.

Thank You, Padrone, for so much. Maybe my next post here will be a discourse of many of the things i am so grateful for....

i love You.