Thankfulness and Gratitude

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that even though life begins to return to normal this week, with just a New Year's bump in the way, everyone can keep a bit of the wonder of Christmas in their hearts for as long as possible.

I've been thinking about something lately that I am not totally sure I can articulate clearly but I am going to try. I often talk about how grateful I am ... and how I have noticed a strong "attitude of gratitude" in my life in the past couple of years that has grown until it couldn't be ignored any longer.

But that is just what it is - gratitude. It is far more than simple thankfulness. For me, being thankful is more...specific to a situation or circumstance, than is gratitude. I am very thankful for many, many things in my life. I am thankful for specific things, for situations, for people, for circumstances. And maybe it is due to this feeling of thankfulness that contributes so strongly to the gratitude that overflows so strongly at times.

I read recently that gratitude is happiness combined with awe. That simple statement really hit home with me. I often talk here about being happy, and I am incredibly happy. I mean, incredibly happy. I have struggled to describe that feeling, at least until I read that particular statement. Now I can say that my happiness is mixed with a very strong feeling of awe.

I am awestruck by my life. I am truly amazed by where I am now, by who I am, by the path that has gotten me to this place. I have waited so long, been through so much, to reach the career goal that had seemed so elusive my entire life.

But the most important, least obvious, change has been within (as it usually is when people go through major changes). I am still working on things, of course, but where I am now compared with where I was even when Padrone and I met ... well, let's just say those places are worlds apart. I am very thankful for that. But I am also incredibly grateful.

I'm struggling with how to express what I am trying to say.

I have grown exponentially as a woman in the past few years. It had actually begun before I met Padrone, but it has steamrolled since meeting him. Yes, he has played the most vital role in that change, but it is because of his unconditional acceptance of me as I am. He has revealed to me part of how he sees me, and the gradual (and maybe unintentional) way in which he did it convinced me of his sincerity. He wasn't just blowing smoke, as many others had done before him.

You know, that is probably the *most* important pillar in the foundation of our relationship, and just as importantly in my own personal growth. See, it has grown and changed, morphed from simply being his opinion to my own belief in myself. I don't know when or how the shift happened, I just know that it has.

Of course, I still have areas to work on in terms of insecurities and confidence. I find myself at work, for instance, unconsciously exhibiting some major insecurities, even though I honestly didn't realize I was doing it until someone mentioned it to me. I feel as if I have had so much thrown at me without much direction that my feelings of insecurity were natural. I think that most people would have felt that way in the same circumstances, but that could also be a major justification for my own feelings. I do know that I fear making mistakes at work. I think a lot of it is due to my work history - there was always the threat of losing a job if too many mistakes were made. I am finding that with teaching, at this particular district at least, is not that way. It is a difficult concept for me - that they are flexible and accepting even with mistakes. They would rather have stability than hire new teachers constantly. Now I realize why people complain about teachers - lol.

I am very thankful for the job. I am thankful that I was given a chance to prove myself. I am thankful for the time off I have had. I am thankful for small things, for big things.

But I am grateful for the way my life is in general. I am happy with a sense of awe at .... everything... who I am turning into, what is going on in my life, and the potential that has been unlocked for my future. Just...so very, very grateful.

Padrone, I know that you always say that it is me who is doing the "work" involved in all of these changes. And at times it is so overwhelming - so many changes all at once can really be too much to handle sometimes. I have tried to explain the effect you have had on me during this time of growth and change, and I can only hope that you understand that I truly could never have done all of this without you.

Padrone, I know that who I am is not what is going on in my life. It is just that I am so happy, so filled with awe that so many good things are finally happening .... and even more awestruck that I am not fighting the idea that I actually deserve them. I have worked hard, very hard, and am continuing to do so as you know, to bring about a lot of the changes that are happening. But that they are actually happening is filling my heart, my mind, and my entire life, with gratitude that overflows and affects every tiny little aspect of my life.

Thank you, Padrone, for doing more than just allowing me to do things. Thank you for encouraging, supporting, pushing, setting priorities, and loving me...it all boils down to the love. Padrone, I am deeply, unabashedly, grateful for the freedom to grow into who I am that will always be a part of our relationship because it is simply who you are. I may have changed and grown without you in my life, but I can guarantee that I would not have changed so much or come so far, without you. I am yours. So very, very yours. And inexpressibly grateful to be so.