A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did  feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.