a myriad of thoughts...or something like that

i've been thinking.

There are several things i would like to type about here, thoughts running through my mind and experiences that i'd like to share. i don't know how to start, or really how *much* to share, but i'm sure there will be *something* here when i post it!

First, i am taking a break from reading blogs for a while. i am going to type here when i need/want to, but i won't be reading others' for a while.

Why?

Well, because what i see when i read some blogs is an arrogance - the owner of the blog types an opinion, and if someone comments something that contradicts that opinion, the commenter is blasted to the wall, metaphorically. And to be honest, it is usually about politics or religion or some variation thereof that it happens regarding. i am quite simply tired of it. i don't like the stress i feel after reading blog posts that seem designed to "stir the waters", and lately it has seemed to happen in blogs where i haven't seen it before. i'm tired of being surprised by stress in an activity that i used to find relaxing and thought-provoking.

*deep, relaxing breath*

i feel better already!

See, i have been thinking quite a bit about why i type here. i don't really have any specific goal for this blog....on the contrary, it is a place to type my thoughts, philosophies, and what goes on in our long distance relationship, nothing more. i mean, i am not putting thoughts here for anyone's benefit other than mine and Padrone's. If others want to read, fine. If not, fine. And if someone doesn't approve or whatever, that's fine as well.

The last thing i want is controversy and confontration and conflict, especially on a blog, and *especially* when i'm merely voicing my thoughts and philosophies and opinions.

So, i won't be reading others' blogs, stressing myself up with untyped thoughts responding to provocatively written posts. i initially, and apparently naively, began reading others' blogs to try to gain some insight into others' relationships, and of course, into my own. Exposure to thoughts, relationships of others can help expand my own way of thinking and my own submission, not to mention giving me ideas of how to serve Padrone better! But the good from it has ceased to outweigh the bad, at least recently, and so it's time to stop for a while. :)

The other thing on my mind is something i have been thinking about typing for a while now, and it's strictly a D/s topic, i promise! It's one that i have been thinking about for a while now - and now seems to be the right time to type these thoughts.

When a slave disobeys, there are always consequences, punishments that go beyond "feeling bad" or being upset that we've disappointed our Masters. That's obvious and part of what this lifestyle is all about, actually, accountability for slaves.

But there's an age-old question that always rankles in a slave's mind, especially when she's going through a very tough punishment, and *especially* if it is one that she feels is unfair! (yes, it happens, sorry)

What about *THEM*?

What happens when a Master screws up? And yes they do, even though it's sometimes hard for a submissive to acknowledge it and even harder for us to accept it. They make mistakes, they fail, they screw up, they punish too harshly, they don't always think things through, and so? What happens to *them* when *they* mess up?

They go through their own version of hell, that's what.

See, while we have the luxury of defined rules and expectations, and even if not well-defined, we learn enough about them to know what they expect in general. If we mess up, we have consequences then it's over, even when we beat ourselves up over it, we know that as long as we don't make that mistake again, we won't be punished again. It's black and white for us. We're fortunate in a lot of ways to have it so. It's what we want, what we crave, and what keeps us focused....someone in authority over us, to keep our lives in control since it isn't something we really want to do ourselves. We don't want the authority over ourselves, nor do we want the tremendous responsibility that comes with it.

So guess who gets that responsibility, as soon as He assumes authority? Yep, our Masters. So when HE makes a mistake, while He may not have to write lines or get His ass beaten, there are most definitely consequences for Him.

He goes through a process of "wondering"...who He is, how could He have made such a mistake, where did He go wrong? What we, as submissives, usually fail to understand completely is that when THEY make a mistake, it usually has consequences for US as well, and that is something they really beat themselves up about. They have chosen to protect us, to help us grow and to learn to trust them with our lives and livelihoods, and what? They hurt us in return? Tell me that isn't something that would weigh on *your* mind if you were in that position as well.

And, while i really dislike being compared to being a child, in reality when we allow someone to be responsible for our welfare, we are becoming child-like in that aspect....which means that comparing our Masters' role to the role of a parent is apt and appropriate. i know how it feels to make mistakes that affect my kids, that hurt them or put them in a bad situation. i know the self-recriminations that can follow - of course i am sure that, since i have self-recrimination down to an art form, i do it *better* than most of y'all!

It's hard to know that we've hurt those we love in any way. But when we are responsible for them, it hurts even more. i know it depends on the severity of the mistake, but usually we have a time of self-doubt and wondering...not why we made a mistake, but wondering why we didn't think things through, what did we miss that created such a problem...things like that. It's the same for a Master when dealing with His slave.

My point is that in an M/s relationship, the accountability factor can seem unfair to an outsider, to someone who doesn't understand the dynamics of authority and responsibility that are the core of any relationship like this. But both of us are held accountable by HIM. HE is accountable to Himself, and He acts according to His standards, His honor, and His integrity. His sense of responsibility keeps His actions where they should be by His own standards, and it also keeps ours there as well. (On a side note, but not entirely off the subject....if you see a Dom/Master acting like a jerk, arrogant and demanding and demeaning....that says a lot about His standards and honor and integrity, in my opinion. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".)

It seems out of balance, skewed, but the whole point is that responsibility is what drives most Masters, and when they fail in their responsibility, who better to punish them than themselves?

i am sure there are other ways that they suffer consequences for their mistakes, not the least of which is knowing that we have suffered for them as well. i guess that is really the biggest factor...It's hard to get my mind around Padrone suffering when i am miserable...i hate even *thinking* about it...but i know it is true. It kind of makes what we do pale in comparison, doesn't it? Actually, it is very similar to the way we feel when we have disappointed them...only on a much larger scale. That's hard for us to imagine, but see...while our actions disappoint them, they don't always *harm* them emotionally. If Padrone makes a mistake, He could harm me....that's why He is usually so very careful and why His mistakes are few and far between...because when He does make one....it is upsetting to us both. i think that's probably the worst punishment ever, and one that Padrone never avoids if He does make a mistake. He takes responsibility and "owns up to it" and asks my forgiveness. What a concept....and maybe that's the most difficult thing....the most appropriate "punishment" for a mistaken Master....

*ponders*

i don't know, though, i kind of like the idea of Padrone writing lines! *teasing, only because i got so involved with typing this that i missed a text and have to write lines today sometime, darnitall*

Padrone, thank You for sharing with me, the little You did, that gave me a deeper insight into Your thoughts when You make a mistake. i know i can't ever know exactly what You go through emotionally when You make a mistake, and as i have said before, i don't want to know it all. But knowing the main thoughts helps me to know that it isn't strictly "business as usual"...that is what breeds resentment in so many submissives towards their Doms when they are punished. You are so good to me - You give me so much, so much of Yourself, and yes....i will keep it safe, absolutely safe, for You...

my Love.

my Owner.

my Padrone.

i am Yours.