The title of this post actually is a line of a song i have recently heard, and it stuck with me for some reason. Probably because it's so true, in my case. Perfection, while an admirable goal, can become very much like the "ring" in LOTR - Smeagol's "precious"...something that i know deep down i can never have, but i will literally destroy myself and my relationships striving for.
That's a big "ouchie". It wasn't easy to admit that. It isn't easy to recognize that my obsessive need to be perfect, and my unrealistic reactions when i am not, is something that has controlled me to the extent it has, although i knew it .... admitting it wasn't easy. Well, i knew it in a vague....yeah yeah, i know, i know, don't talk about it... kind of way.
In past relationships, because of things i learned via abuse in my childhood, i always strove for perfection. In past relationships, when i would please others, i would get appreciation for it, and i would continue to do things that didn't come naturally to me to please them. It doesn't work that way, as we all know, and i would always say that i couldn't meet their standards...i could never please them. They seemed to expect perfection. (with the ex it wasn't even that he wanted perfection, he just loved to make others feel low, it made him feel better about himself, but that's a different story altogether and rarely prevented me from trying to please him anyway...he truly could never be pleased though)
And so i was destroying *myself* by striving for perfection, right? It didn't stop there though....that obsession created problems in past relationships, because i would begin to resent being "expected" to do things that i didn't want to do, and to do them in ways i wasn't used to doing them. And i would push myself harder and harder and try more and more and fail worse and worse....until i came unglued. It was their fault of course, for expecting me to fit into their mold of the "perfect partner", but i fell into that trap of trying to be who they wanted me to be too. i never could, but that didn't stop me from trying until the relationship could no longer take the strain of my unnatural "submission".
Well, i can look back *now* and say those things. i don't know if that is a realistic look at how things were or not, because i am looking back with unscaled eyes, but with "Padrone-colored glasses".
It has taken almost 4 years, but the obsession with perfection is finally calming a bit.
Why?
i don't know for sure, but i can say that a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am indeed, good enough in Padrone's eyes, just as i am. It is as He told me once, and probably more than once to be honest, but once has stuck in my brain.... even if nothing about me ever changed again, He would still be happy with me. He *is* happy with me. So while changing and growing is a part of human nature, i don't have to strive to be perfect or the relationship will end. i don't have to "work on" anything...if i change, i change but even the things that i would *try* to change about myself, He accepts as part just...who i am. This relationhip is solid, built on things that a relationship should be built on....love, trust, respect. None of those things assumes perfection, or indications a desire for a perfect partner.
Yes, Padrone deserves the best i can give Him. That was always my "excuse" for my obsession with perfection, in our relationship at least....that Padrone deserved a perfect slave. But the idea of a "perfect slave" implies that a "perfect person" exists, and if you can produce her i want a clone! The reality is that, even as recently as a few months ago, i was subconsciously waiting for the shoe to drop. i never really realized it, and am still in shock about that realization, but....i can't deny it is true. Somehow i was deeply fearful that if Padrone saw too many of my imperfections, He would not want me anymore. i guess that idea had been so deeply ingrained in me that, even though i would have denied it vehemently at the time....it was so insidious in nature that it created the obsession with perfection. i set myself up to fail, with my own desperate need to be what *i* wanted Padrone to have. (i've just realized this too, actually, that the familiar obsession is gone. It took me a few days to figure out what was "wrong" with me - lol)
Ugh. i make myself crazy at times, you know?
So what happened? i honestly don't know. All i know is that i finally have been able to really relax and accept my *own* inability to be perfect, and i have made efforts to forgive myself for mistakes i have made - which is still the hardest part of all. But i finally understand, and hope i can consistently *behave* as if i understand, that there will be no harmful or painful consequences to my imperfections. i am coming to realize that the expectations for that perfection aren't coming from Padrone, but from myself, and that the only one who needs to "ease up" on me, is me.
It took a lot of trust, Padrone's consistent behavior, quick and true repentance, deeply emotional communication, and time for me to reach this place. If anyone had told me, even a few short months ago...maybe even weeks ago....that i would have had this kind of breakthrough and be able to recognize and verbalize it... i would have laughed in their face, feeling sad because i knew i couldn't ever get there.
i am literally in tears as i type this, because i am looking back at what Padrone has put up with as my Master, and feeling the gratitude, the joy, the devotion, and the utter enslavement that seem to be the only things i can give in return...which don't ever seem to be enough....but which He loves, needs, and cherishes as much as He does me.
They are enough...*i* am enough....Just as i am. i long to be at Your feet, Padrone, simply surrendered and striving to show it. Thank You....for owning me, with all that entails...my Padrone. i am gratefully Yours.
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