failing, a failure?

If i fail, does that make me a failure?

For all my life i thought so, until the past few days, and there has been a kind of revelation happening here lately for some reason. i still have my moments, of course, but lately i have been really learning and realizing a lot of things that i guess i never fully saw before.

i was going through a time of failing to do some specified tasks, recently. These are everyday tasks, and i was going through a real depression because i felt like a failure as a slave, and i know Padrone deserves obedience and not excuses. It felt as if all i was giving was excuses. Yes, i was upset with myself, and i saw no way to change it, and indeed there was no way for a while.

But eventually i was able to see objectively, and to accept (not just realize, accepting takes more time and open mindedness) that failing in one's duty doesn't make one a failure herself. i know, such a simple concept.....but truly, absolutely mind changing for me.

i have always, all my life, equated my value based on my actions, my ability to please. That is one reason i was so strongly ruled by my emotions when i met Padrone, and why it took me so long to understand that it is my actions that are judged, not my feelings. For my entire life, my feelings defined my actions, because they defined my very being to a huge degree. Padrone has taught me so many things, not the least of which is that i am not how i act, i am not how i feel, i am who i am.

So who am i, when i fail to perform perfectly? i've already said that i know, finally, that i'm not a failure then. i'm not a bad slave, even if i feel like one. i am still the slave He owns, who He wants to own. i am still the most obedient and pleasing slave He has ever owned, by His own admission. i am still the one born to serve Him, and imperfect service with a repentant heart is actually probably better than perfect service would be. i'm not perfect, and if i served perfectly i would either be lying about what i do, or my requirements would not be ... interesting enough. If it were always easy for me to serve, then it would not be as meaningful to either of us as it is when it is challenging. And if it isn't meaningful, then it isn't worth much.

i'm simply a slave who lives to please her Padrone as often and as well as she can. i am learning that who i am is enough, even though i get silly and think, sometimes, that it isn't. i am accepting that who i am is who He wants, has, owns, controls, and loves. And i finally know without a doubt that i am as fully His as i can be....and that He has given as much of Himself in return. He is mine, just as i am His. i have His heart, His thoughts, His control, even when we're not together.

Sono la schiava del Padrone.