surrender, revisited

After the famine on my blog, there is a feast. It seems that i can't help but to express thoughts here today. i apologize for three posts in one day - i realize it is a lot of reading for those that pay attention, but i was driven in some way to type all of this today. Thanks for the patience, and thanks for caring, those of you who have said kind words to me about this blog.

i've typed about surrender before i think, but something else has been running through the back of my mind lately regarding it.

One reason that true surrender is so difficult is that, no matter how much we as submissives long for deep control, giving in to that level of control is terrifying. It means surrendering.

Think about that for a moment. When you hear the word "surrender", outside the D/s realm, it means something negative. It means giving up a fight, whether a battle or a war. It means being a loser. It means becoming a prisoner. It means someone has power over you, through admission of your own weaknesses. Who in their right mind wants that for herself?

Surrendering onesself in the D/s manner means something similar, but totally different. It is a concept that is difficult to describe, and my not be describable at all, it may simply have to be experienced and analyzed to be understood.

When i surrender to Padrone, i am giving up control of myself to Him. It means giving up a fight, yes, but the fight is between my nature and what i've had to become despite my nature. It means losing a battle in some ways, i presume, but the battle is not with Him - it may manifest itself that way, but it is with the need to trust that i can safely surrender and not lose my identity. It means giving in without worrying anymore if i become a prisoner. It means finding strength to negate my own weaknesses, finding power when i am powerless. It means having someone to rely on for more than a simple "i love you" or a scene.

Surrendering....maybe it shouldn't be described that way....maybe what happens, that ultimate, freeing moment......should be described as releasing onesself to her nature, and giving herself permission to truly, deeply, and honestly have her heart's desire......to submit.

Thank You, my Padrone, for the safety to submit as deeply as i possibly can to You. Thank You for wanting more and more of me, and my submission. Thank You for allowing me to give You all i can, the good and the bad, and for accepting and valuing me for it all. You are so good to me.