Is D/s all there is?

i have a lot of thoughts, just none well formed enough to type about here. I have opinions on things i have seen written in other blogs, and things that have been discussed in the IRC channel we frequent, but again, nothing firm enough to type about here.

Except maybe something i read about in a blog, which seems to have sparked some comments in other blogs. It is something that i have said here before, and something i believe very strongly regarding.

Nobody can live in a static D/s relationship 24/7/365.

Before anyone gets offended or angry, i will explain my reasons for saying it.

First, it is totally unfair to each other to expect that. Yes. Really.

It is unfair and unrealistic to expect a submissive to follow a set of rules and never make a mistake. It is unfair to punish for every tiny mistake she makes. It is unfair to set up a totally unrealistic expectation of absolute perfection in behavior, and often in "attitude" as well, and make the submissive feel like crap for every tiny infraction. It is unrealistic to expect a submissive to have to explain, at times in minute detail, the "reasons" behind every infraction, no matter how small it may be, or no matter that she had a last minute phone call and got distracted (i know, i know, the worst sin of them all, getting "distracted from Master's wishes"). It is unfair to have the belief that she has no other purpose in life except that which Master "wants her to have", as if her dreams and fantasies and desires are as under Master's control as her behavior may be.

Being a submissive is not fair, in most ways...

But neither is being a Master.

Let's face it, folks. No matter what it looks like from the outside looking into our dynamic, Masters do not have whatever they want, whenever they want it. Submissives tend to be a needy lot, with a ton of emotional baggage that can be a dead weight on any relationship. Masters need to be needed to solve problems, many of them have the "dragonslayer" need, which i find very nice indeed. But guess what? They, too, have intense pressure to be "ON" 24/7/365. Needs don't come and go on a whim, nor can they be turned off by a switch (or an order or command or even request), so when the submissive needs from the Master, then it is his "job" to help meet that need. No, i'm not talking physical needs here, or rather, not sexual needs. But we can't control when crises happen any more than we can control the weather. And if it rains we whip out our umbrella and voila - instant protection. We submissives tend to think we can do the same with our Doms....we need, we tell them of crisis, and voila - instant release from responsibility ... instant protection - and we can simply smile and let him handle whatever it is.

That, my friends, is as unrealistic as expecting a submissive to be perfect all the time. It isn't as generally acknowledged as a submissive's expectations, however, simply because a sub's punishment is both external and intrinsic, whereas Doms are allowed to simply be punished internally with no, or few, visible consequences. It often looks as if Doms are never punished, and sometimes they aren't because of the internal nature of it all.

Which brings me to my point, something i have said over and over again but which bears repeating now:

D/s is not a relationship. D/s is a dynamic by which a relationship is expressed, and if it is the ONLY means of expression, then the relationship cannot succeed.

There HAS to be "down time"...times when the relationship between man and woman is more important than whether or not the clothes have been put away or the magazines placed exactly the precise way Master wants them, and even more important than Master "never showing 'weakness' or admitting that he doesn't have all the answers.

Since our relationship is long distance, there is built in "down time", just as there is a strong and sturdy framework of rules for me to follow daily. But even if we were living together, i am absolutely confident that Padrone would not expect me to behave as someone who cannot think for her self at all since i know he doesn't like to micromanage. And it isn't micromanaging that is what i am referring to here, just so there is no misunderstanding.

He expects me to think for myself, but to actually "think" and not simply make a choice because one must be made. He has taught me, shown me tools that i never knew i possessed, that have allowed me to make far better, more well-thought-out decisions than i used to make. But he never made a conscious decision that he was going to teach me to think ahead more clearly, or make better decisions, or even to "give me the tools to live a better life" or whatever. I have changed a lot, done a lot of maturing and growing, yes. But it is due as much to the "rest" of our relationship as it is to the D/s, if not more. i know i am a good submissive. What Padrone has done to change my life more than anything else is to encourage me to believe that i am also a good woman. That is the most important ingredient of them all....our acknowledgement of, and love for, the "rest" of each other. Anyone can Dom/sub, but few seem to be able to maintain a highly successful, positive, HAPPY D/s relationship, without keeping the "rest" as a high priority, if not THE highest.

We can get so ... involved in being the best Master/slave we can be, that we can lose ourselves in the role we have chosen. If the only way we ever relate to our partners is within the D/s dynamic, then that is all our relationship becomes. That means that the Master is nothing more than Master..."instant Dominance, just add compliance to my will"....and the submissive becomes nothing more than submissive...."instant submission, just add orders, rules, and punishment".

i have said it before, and i will say it again. There are no perfect Masters, and no perfect slaves. Each role is very demanding and requires us to behave in ways we may not wish to behave at times, but....each role is just that... a role...a defined part for us to play within the entity that is the relationship.

And if the reason that there is only that type of relating to one another within a relationship is that you don't know if there *is* anything else, then maybe it is time to look beyond the titles into the people.

Padrone, i am so very, very grateful that you love me as the woman who gives her all to you, and not simply as a slave that obeys as best she can. And i am even more grateful that you understand clearly what i mean by that distinction.

i love you, my Master...my Padrone....my love.