A New Leaf?

i've had several thoughts running around in my mind that i have wanted to type about here, but they would never "gel" into anything that i could communicate coherently...maybe because i still had some sort of unresolved issue regarding them, which i never realized because they seemed like two separate thought processes when in reality there was a thread between them that i was missing entirely.

And if you understand that, you deserve a gold star!

While i was gone on vacation, i did have the opportunity to talk with Padrone a couple of times, for which i am so deeply grateful. We usually have wonderful conversations when the mood strikes us - about our relationship i mean. (Of course about other things as well, but specific to my thoughts this time i mean relationship topics).

Maybe we are a bit different from other folks in D/s relationships, i don't know, but our first conversation was about commitment, and how important commitment is in any relationship, not just D/s...but that the commitment, if taken seriously, is the most important ingredient to a D/s relationship of any sort.

That sounds like a "well duh" kind of statement, and of course it is when taken at face value. But as is so often the case, actions really do speak louder than words. Feeling submissive, or Dominant, is only *part* of the equation of a happy relationship. It is as Padrone has told me throughout our relationship - feelings matter, of course, but actions are what matters most. In other words, if one is truly committed to their relationship and the role they play in it, then they'll do what is expected or required of them, even when they don't feel like it.

And yes, that goes for Dominants as well. As Padrone pointed out to me, there are times when he simply isn't in the mood to listen to me whine about my kids, my job, my lack of money, my fears, whatever, and yet he knows that, as my Master, it is something he "signed on" to do. He takes care of me in ways that i try hard not to take for granted but which i often don't realize at all - like that example. i apologize now and then for whining so much, but he usually brushes it off for the most part, so i never realized that there are times when he simply doesn't want to hear it.

Will that change my behavior? i doubt it, mainly because of two things...first, he has always, in the past, not let me talk if he didn't want me to (either by changing subjects, or using me, or some other tactic that prevented me from talking about things he didn't want to hear about), and second, because i do need to vent at times, and he is the natural and really the only one i have to vent to - who knows about all the "vent-worthy" details of my life at least.

And see....he is doing his "job" in our relationship, just as i am doing when i go to him for guidance or opinions or whatever (which is my way of describing my whininess - lol!)

If he only acted as he pleased, which is the misconception many people have about this lifestyle, then he wouldn't listen to me nearly as often as he does.

And of course the opposite side of the / is far more obvious when it comes to "doing it anyway". So many people focus on a slave's obedience to rules, and punishment for disobedience, that they forget that slaves are human too, and also that there is *far* more to a slave than an automatic obedience and adherence to rules.

i am so very, very lucky that Padrone has never lost sight of that about me, however. And that was the resultant affirmation of our conversation that night and the next morning as well... that it is due to my proven commitment to him, to our relationship, and to my role as his slave... so obvious to him....that allows him to (when circumstances warrant, or when i beg for mercy) feel alright about excusing me from consequences now and then. Case in point - the day before we left to go on vacation was very busy, as i am sure you could imagine. i missed a text, and as soon as i realized it, i sent one apologizing and saying that i would write the lines but i didn't have a clue when i could do it (they're due by my midnight, and i worked until 11:45 if i got off on time)....so he excused me from the lines, something he rarely does but which he felt was not any problem because over the years of my required hourly texts, i have missed so few texts that he knows how committed i am to doing it. It was a mistake, one of those things caused by circumstances that i couldn't prevent or avoid, and my past actions had shown that the only way i miss a text is due to being quite busy, or blogging (i just sent one for this hour, yay me!) or something that requires concentration on something other than the clock.

i have a feeling i'm chasing rabbits here, trying to explain something, and i haven't even gotten very far in what i am trying to say! Ugh.

The second conversation was kind of a continuation of the first, although it was far more emotional for me since i had failed to give Padrone what he wanted or needed from me. i was unable to summon even a spark of arousal, no matter what Padrone did or had me do, and usually it takes little for me to become aroused! i was crying and upset with myself, because i so rarely offer myself sexually without his indication that he wants me to feel sexual, that it affects me even more strongly the extremely rare times when i can't become aroused at all.

So i was really disappointed in myself, and i knew i had disappointed him too, but he took a long, long time to reassure me that the fact that i *did* everything he asked of me, no matter what i *felt* like doing, proves my commitment to him and to my slavery. i hated it, but he reassured me that he was NOT disappointed in me, rather he was very pleased with me...that my submission is far more important to him that my orgasm or even arousal is.

And that one just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

i mean...

This man is proud of me for trying and failing, simply because i tried with all my heart. Who ever heard of such a thing? Especially when it comes to sex?

i wasn't quite sure of myself anymore, and that surprised me tremendously. He had said those things to me before, and i thought i had "gotten" it as well, but that particular conversation really floored me. i really am not "judged" based on my performance as his slave, y'all. i really "am" valued because i try so hard to please him, no matter how i feel.

It isn't about proving myself, although in the beginning there was that element of course, on both sides. It is about being committed and showing it. Living it. Being who i am, even when i'm inconvenienced or pissed off about being told to do something i don't want to do. Even when i have a pissy attitude, or when i'm distracted by other things in my life. It's about *being* a slave, not just calling myself one.

It's about making Padrone happy.

Which leads me to the possible new leaf. i say "possible" because while the last couple of days have been surprising and felt good to DO, i know that my old inhibitions and habits aren't necessarily conquered, and i can't force this or it will cause major problems in the long run. Padrone is wise enough to understand it, for which i am eternally grateful.

But starting yesterday, i began to feel horny. i didn't just feel it for a moment and not say anything (even though i know he loves to know i'm horny, it is something that is difficult for me to admit for some reason) i know it has to do with my history, and while i have made GREAT strides in dealing with and healing from past issues, this one has eluded me for a long time.

i sent a text saying that i wish i was being used, and briefly described the use i was fantasizing about. Yes i was at work, but hey, it happens even there too! (need, not use) When i got home, i was still horny, and i told him so via email...maybe another text, but i don't remember. i was surprised about the continued arousal, because if i am aroused independently of Padrone's wishes and use...in other words, if physiology creates the arousal, it usually only lasts a few minutes. (yes, i know, i have issues to discover the cause of and deal with).

i slept poorly since i kept waking up filled with need and fantasies. When i woke for the morning, i sent my good morning text and said as best i could in italian that his slave was still quite horny this morning. That kind of thing is so hard for me, and i know it has to do with fear of being rejected and such, as well as other things, but i did it, and i wasn't really hesitant to do so.

That was the surprising thing. Today, last night, i felt more free from the demons and fears that have held me back from expressing myself sexually so obviously. It is strange, but i used to be able to do that without even thinking about it. So i have been worrying and even stressing a bit over my inability to open up without Padrone's direction in that area of our relationship.

But last night...today....it felt right. And Padrone's response was so very perfect - he didn't make a big issue out of it, didn't try to "encourage" me or even comment on in much. And as we talked this morning, as he was using me, there was even laughter and lighthearted comments. i could *feel* his love, even if he hadn't spoken the words (which are always wonderful to hear, Padrone), and his pleasure. He was so happy, so happy that i could finally do that.

And all of that was encouraging to me, and right now the walls seem as far down as they have been for a couple of days now - not totally gone, but....at a point that i can "scale" them. In other words, it still isn't ... comfortable, i guess is the best word to use here ... but it isn't the impossible thing it seemed a few short days ago.

i hope it is indeed that i have "turned over a new leaf", and not some sort of temporary aberration or something.

Padrone, i always love to end my posts with a personal word for You, but today i honestly can't say more than i already have said, and shown. You know my commitment to You, to us, to my slavery. You know i will do all i can even when i can't give what You are specifically asking for - my obedience is all i *can* give sometimes. And ... i hope....i can but hope ... that the wonderful thing that happened this morning, continued from yesterday, will be an ever-present part of our relationship from now on. i won't promise to work on it, because i don't want to focus too intently and overanalyze any form of spontaneity that may happen...but i *will* promise not to extinguish any spontaneity that may happen, either. i truly hope that i will be able to offer You more and more of the sexual being You own, in ways that are fun and natural and pleasing. You deserve no less, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.