Punishment, Revisited

Well, my Masters program is coming to an end, but not quite yet. I have the rough draft of my portfolio completed, and sent to Padrone for him to put on the website for review by the "Readers". That sounds so intimidating, doesn't it?! But I do have to rewrite some of the introduction and wait for my supervising professor to read and edit it all, make any changes needed, then submit it before Friday, or Saturday, or.....well I've been given several dates, so I'm going with Friday here. I'd MUCH rather be safe than sorry.

I am also going to be looking for a job at another school in our district, or another district entirely. Or maybe another state since I live close to a state line. The administrator who seems to have a personal vendetta against me has simply made things intolerable and this will be my one and only year there.

But I can say that I have been effective teaching my students. Their reading levels improved, some by 1 or 2 grade levels! They are comparable with general education classes in the subjects I teach, and I have been extremely pleased and proud of all my kids for their efforts. I will miss these little boogers!

And I have had some time of introspection today since I forgot to do something yesterday and was punished today for it. (haven't yet done the punishment, but even just knowing I have to is a yucky feeling)I also have to make sure I go to town and do it today. I don't mind, I just have to *remember* to do it.

But when I was unexpectedly punished, I felt that little bubble of resentment build up in me and I paused to ponder why for a moment. Not long, but long enough to know that if I was grateful for his willingness to resume punishing me when it was first mentioned a few weeks ago, then I am still grateful for it now even if I don't want to be punished.

Resentment will happen with punishment, that's for sure. I used to think it was more a case of my own issues with the "perfect slave syndrome", then I started thinking it was more that I am not a child (that started as I gained confidence in my school and career). Now I understand that it is more that I dislike feeling judged and being found lacking. It is difficult for me to understand that most comments that are made regarding me or my performance in whatever area of my life someone may feel the need to criticize, truly are not personal comments. I make absolutely sure that I differentiate between person and behavior with my students, yet somehow I cannot make myself understand that if I make bad choices (or forget), then there will be negative consequences attached.

I know, it's one of those things we should have learned as children, and intellectually I know it. But for some reason, I am emotionally stunted in a lot of ways and it drives me insane. I can only imagine what it must be like for Padrone to have to deal with me when I'm behaving like a whiny-butt baby.

But today....

Today, when he announced my punishment, I pondered...I hated the resentment and hated feeling angry (I mean, I had my PORTFOLIO on my mind yesterday! Doesn't he understand how consuming that was? Why can't he just tell me to make sure I do it today instead of making me write lines?). But suddenly it dawned on me that I had asked for it. I remembered the huge relief I felt when Padrone chose to once again exert his authority via punishments. And I suddenly realized that I was still relieved. I thanked Padrone for caring enough to punish me. That wasn't easy to do but it helped me to just...accept and move on.

It's still difficult to call myself reckless and resist internalizing that label, though, I admit. Maybe I should ask if I could write "This slave will be more careful to do what she says she will do" instead. Hmmmm....

Padrone, I know it's frustrating to you that I have such issues about such simple things. You are so incredibly patient with me, far more than I deserve (or so *I* feel anyway). But you know what? I finally get one thing - you put up with me, you help me, you support me, you make websites for my portfolio - simply because you love me as much as I love you. I am the luckiest woman in the world.