Sharing Details

How much is enough? How much submission, how much control? How much of it spilling into daily lives? How much should be revealed to others? How much is too much, too soon? How much information does anyone really need to know about us? How much vulnerability is enough, without crossing the line?

So much of what I say here could be used against me in my real life, but I feel quite safe in typing what I do here. I feel far more uncertain about revealing any specific intimacies between Padrone and I, frankly. I do understand that seems very strange. It seems strange to me too. But the fact remains that, while I don't mind exposing the fact that I am a teacher living in the south, and other various generalities about myself - I really do not like revealing things about our relationship, intimacies and information that make me vulnerable to people other than Padrone.

So I talk in generalities here, and there are times when what I type may seem to put Padrone on a pedestal, as he says I do. There are times when I type only of the good parts of our relationship rather than anything negative, and honestly a lot of that is because there isn't a lot of negative at the moment. There isn't a lot of negative in general, actually. We are extremely well suited for one another, and yes, I do know how rare that is and how lucky we both are.

So I don't give a very clear idea of how our relationship really works. I don't really explain what it means to me, in our relationship, to be very much M/s without living together.

Right now I am trying to make myself break through the barrier of vulnerability and reveal more personal things about living in a long distance relationship. I do understand that this is not necessary - heck, nothing is necessary in my own blog. But for me, in some ways, it is important.

See, what seems hard to understand, for me as well as for others, is the level of commitment each of us has to this relationship. When I wake up in the mornings, usually while I am still lying in my bed, I message Padrone to say buon giorno. Sometimes I am smiling, sometimes I am feeling yucky, and often I'm grumpy because of course I have not yet had my coffee! He doesn't always respond, which is just how he is - but that is often hard to bear. He has gotten more consistent with his replies lately, for which I am grateful, but the lack sometimes makes me feel quite lonely.

I go about my days in my own typical fashion, which of course you don't know do you? I am not a huge planner, so I wake up and while I am having my coffee I am often thinking of what I will do during the day - on summer days and weekends at least. Some days, like tomorrow for instance, have appointments. (An interview over breakfast! I feel so ... professional!!!) I take quite some time to wake up and get "moving" and it is during this "waking up" time that I usually read the blogs I still follow and care about reading. I check email and lately I have begun trying to type my daily email to Padrone early as well so I don't forget it later. That stemmed from the time when I didn't have internet for a while and would often forget if I didn't type it on my phone before going to bed.

Anyway, I have been doing major housework this summer - cleaning and reorganizing and keeping what has already been cleaned that way. I am not a good housekeeper, and I make no bones about it. I don't enjoy housework, but since my kids have (mostly) moved out I can arrange my house in the way I would like it, so I have more incentive to really dig in and enjoy de-cluttering. So often my days are dull and boring, but I message Padrone often throughout the day. I am required to do so at least once per hour, but I have missed this fairly often lately. I don't know why except carelessness and forgetfulness, and you'd think I'd actually REMEMBER since I despise writing lines for it with a passion! Now and then I simply write that I am doing nothing, because that is actually what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll send an "I love you" or something along those lines.

This summer I've also been doing a lot more reading than usual since I'm not in school any more. So there are times when I miss a message because I'm just relaxed with a book and involved with a story and forget.

But one of the most unique aspects of our relationship is that for certain offenses (missing messages/emails), there are built-in consequences. If I miss a message, I write 50 lines. The lines say "I will message my Padrone every hour". When I miss an email, I write 50 lines saying that I will email Padrone every day, and I wear green because Padrone hates green clothing. I have a feeling that if we were together that punishment might not be in effect because HE is the one who would have to look at the green clothes, so it might be more punishment for him than for me since I don't mind them. If he wanted to make it really yucky for me, in terms of clothing colors, he would choose orange. I despise orange clothing!

We used to get online at IRC which is a chat program, in our private channel, twice per day. But since I started teaching it was reduced to once per day and that is pretty much where it stands now. We scene, we talk, we entertain the rare visitor, and we enjoy each other's company nightly in that channel. We also play backgammon (where he beats me in a totally different way) and one day we'll Skype while we are playing so he can teach me how to win. I'm just not as mean as he is, so he always eats my dots and I feel sorry for him and don't!

If I leave to go anywhere, I message to tell him so. If I'm gone more than an hour, I message during the time I'm gone as well, unless it is a situation where I cannot, like a job interview. I message to tell him when I return home. We tease, we flirt, we laugh, we just send boring messages, we...well, we live as a couple who text often when they are apart.

When I am online, I wear a small metal plug with a jeweled end, which he calls the jewel. I wear my slave number on my body all the time. I *was* wearing my collar at home all the time, but since he prefers a true dog's collar over any other type, it could have become embarrassing if I had opened the door wearing it or gone to town with it on. I did, once, and he happened to ask if I had taken it off - I got the message while I was on the way to town so I was grateful, believe me! So now I only wear it if he tells me to.

My rules are ... I won't say easy to follow, but I will say that they are designed to suit me and my lifestyle very well. They are intrusive enough into my daily life to keep him uppermost in my mind, but not so intrusive that I am in danger of discovery or cannot function as woman, mother, employee, friend, daughter. They are specific to me, except the "no cumming without permission" rule. He is the ruler of my pleasure, as he has been every slave he has ever owned. My rules have come about as he has gotten to know me and to understand my life, my routine, my circumstances. They change as he sees fit, as my life, routine, and circumstances change. Our relationship, like any successful relationship, is fluid within its structure of M/s.

I have asked him to hold me accountable for diet or exercise, but he has chosen not to go that route. I'm not totally sure why, even though I know it's a major responsibility when he cannot be here. I also should be able to do these things freely - to offer what I know would please him tremendously. But some things....for some reason....that is not enough of a motivation. That is hard to admit, of course, especially publicly. But it is what it is, and I cannot seem to make it change. If he were here, or I were there, it would be different I think. With circumstances being what they are, it is not different. That is why I asked to be held accountable. I don't like the idea of being punished for not exercising, but since his pleasure (positive reinforcement) doesn't seem to motivate me, then it may take punishment to do so. Maybe I could ask about using our "punishment jar" on my own, if I don't exercise a certain number of days per week. Self-punishment? But I could not do so without his permission, and it would also keep him from having to micromanage my exercise from an ocean away, so....I don't know, maybe it is worth thinking about, offering as an option when I bring it up again. We'll see.

The punishment jar is really a box now. It holds several punishments that Padrone and I thought of together (mostly him, I'm not good at thinking of punishments). They are specific to me, and would probably not work well for others. And I've never actually had to use them, thank God, but how it works is this: If I do something he deems punishable with a more serious punishment than writing lines or wearing green, then I am to pick a punishment from the box at random (they are folded so I cannot tell which is which). They are fairly equal in severity but are different in form. For instance, there is physical punishment (bread and water for dinner type things), mental punishment (BOREDOM), and emotional punishment (humiliating tasks). Since I would not know which I am picking from the box, and neither would he of course, it is one of those situations where he has already done the work of thinking of punishments, and I have no reason to feel resentment or anything because of the punishment itself. He doesn't have to try to balance severity of offense with severity of punishment, it is already done because he would only use that method for the most severe of infractions. Since I work hard at being respectful and rarely even contemplate deliberate disobedience, those punishments will hopefully remain in their box! And btw, that is why I have been thinking of asking for accountability with exercising again - because if it is a rule, then I will do all I can not to disobey. Sometimes offering is not enough.

The rest of my days are typically boring and peaceful lately. Chores, laundry, cooking more healthy dinners, reading, long baths, and talking with family make up the majority of my days that aren't focused on Padrone. And it is that focus on him that allows us to have what we have, and to be happy with one another for as long as we have been. It hasn't always been that way, of course. We have had our fair share of growing pains, of fussing and arguing, of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But at the end of the day, we love each other and choose to spend our time with each other as much as possible, rather than totally apart simply because we don't live together.

So, I'm not sure how well I have put some of these things, or how well they will be received by the only one who matters. I'll find that out in a few minutes!

Padrone, a lot of what I typed here isn't new, but the reason for typing it this way is, I think. I feel as if revealing things here will open myself up to you even more than I already am, and by typing things that aren't necessarily all positive, I am being publicly more vulnerable and intimate. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I am only trying to explain things that are in my heart and mind, which is not always clear as well you know! I just know that it feels right, Padrone, and I hope you understand and approve. I love you, il Padrone mio, with all that I am. Bacio.