humiliation

Well. This topic is a land mine, of sorts, but the fact is that humiliation itself is even moreso. So why type about it? Mainly because it is an area i have often thought of, and knew i needed, but didn't truly understand. i still don't, really, but i guess it's time to open up about it a bit now.

Humiliation has always been a two-edged sword for me. i hate it. But i need it, and i find myself getting aroused sexually and mentally when i am humiliated. What kind of humiliation is the hardest to take? That, of course differs on the person. For me, it's probably physical humiliation, because, for me, there is no physical humiliation without mental/emotional humiliation, although there can be the mental/emotional without the physical.

What i mean is that i truly hate when Padrone clamps my nipples with the belled clamps and has me greet Doms that way, especially when i am gagged. The first time that happened i cried and it took a long time for me to "recover". Now it's not so bad, but only because of familiarity, not because it is any less humiliating. i don't have to "recover" because the headspace is somewhere i have been before and know that i can get out of.

But deeper humiliation, things that i have never been able to even consider much less to do, i would have to "recover" from as i did this in the beginning.

Being Padrone's bitch, for instance, is not something i would have dreamed i would ever do without major consequences - emotionally, i mean. Yet i am doing it, and enjoying some aspects of it surprisingly enough. i still squirm when i'm told to "fetch", or when i do what i am required to do rl...but i do it, and there is some measure of satisfaction in doing it.

Some people find verbal humiliation something they can't handle. i had problems with that when i first met Padrone, but that actually faded rather quickly. The physical humiliation....actually acting in certain ways....demeaning myself....lowering myself into something .... not even human, a bitch.....i couldn't do it for a long time. i begged Padrone, once, long ago....please don't make me do this. And He, then, was gracious and considerate enough to allow me to stop.

But now, being called things, so far, hasn't been a major problem for me. i do have trigger words, things that He could say that would trigger a deeply negative reaction in me, but He knows them i think, and has never said them to me yet. Doing humiliating things is more difficult for me, but strangely enough, i find myself yearning for more.

Why?

i think that it is because i know He finds it pleasing that i would do things i hate, if He asked me to. It is a way to show the control that He has over me, and to show it more and more effectively, the more deeply humiliating the thing(s) He has me to do. i love showing whose i am, and just how deeply His i am, every chance i get.

Another reason is simply because it reinforces the depth of our relationship, to me. If He can do and say things, have me do and say things, that make me feel and seem as low as a part of me always feels i am......and care for me, accept me, love me *anyway*....then that is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance i have craved all my life.

And lastly, i honestly think that being humiliated keeps me in a submissive place. i find myself hating what i am doing, yet feeling so amazingly submissive, and even more grateful, because He asked something difficult of me. It stretches me. It pushes me. It allows me to show the depths of my submission. It allows me to show Him just how truly His i am.

And it does something inside me that i can't explain. Somehow it makes me stronger. It makes me know that i can handle more than i ever dreamed i could. But like any strengthening agent, it creates stress. Stress in anyone can trigger bad actions, and it can also create truly damaging thoughts and emotions in a relationship. Padrone and i have worked hard to create an environment of communication in our relationship, so that even negative or potentially damaging thoughts and emotions can be discussed and worked through. It makes me as a person stronger, and us as a couple stronger as well.

Humiliation is not something i will ever love, nor would i seek it if i weren't totally secure in my place in Padrone's life. But now, under the circumstances, it is something i know i can handle, even crave, and that i will somehow end up grateful for.

Padrone, i am Yours in more ways, and to more depth, than i can ever express. Thank You for the security You have provided for Your slave, so that she could grow into the person, the woman, the slave, she is.

i love You.