showing submission

i absolutely adore when Padrone tells me with words and with quite obvious actions, how He feels about me. But there are times when it isn't so obvious, when He doesn't say the things i love to hear, when He doesn't give me gestures or privileges that show His emotions.

And usually my emotions, my actions, follow His actions.....so when He says He is proud to own me, it makes me yearn to give more and more, and the emotions that follow are deep submission and devotion. So what is the reason i feel that it is something to type about here?

Well, it's so wonderful when Padrone is verbal or obvious with the emotions He feels. It's so easy to return all He gives and constantly try to give more. But what happens when He doesn't feel the need to express Himself with words or overt actions? Do i pout and whine and try to manipulate a reaction that i want and miss and have been waiting for?

i guess the way i worded that question will make the answer obvious, but i would like to say that there was a time when i would have attempted all of those things. i have learned, and indeed am still learning, the ways that Padrone expresses His emotions. He says it to me, things like "i am so proud to own You", and i love hearing it. When He expresses it often, reinforcing it, but more a case of Him bursting with the emotions that having me as His slave fills His heart with, then it is so easy to give, to feel submissive, to feel the need to express it often and in great depth.

But when He doesn't express it often, when the words go unsaid, when the actions are "normal" and not the tender actions that He surprises me with so well....when the interaction is not as ... overt i think is the word i am looking for....when the interaction is not so verbally loving, or even with actions that are typically those of a "man in love", then what am i supposed to do? It doesn't "feel" as emotional then, the emotions that are always present aren't as ... close to the "surface" as they are when i am being often praised and treated in a way that i "feel" as cherished as i am.

What i do then is i act the same way that i do when the emotions come first. Sometimes i feel the emotions and the actions spring from them. Sometimes the emotions aren't as strong or needing to be expressed as they are at other times. So what i do during those times is.....i express them anyway. And what's crazy is that there are times when those expressions of emotions that aren't burning my mind with need to be expressed, makes them *become* those burning emotions, and the expressions become more spontaneous and deep.

Padrone has taught me ever since He has known me, that no matter what emotions i feel, it's what i do that matters most....that will be judged. Most of us don't think that way, we usually tend to act on our feelings and hope that when we act inappropriately, it will be forgiven because . Guess what. It seldom works that way, even outside D/s, because what is said and done can never be unsaid or undone. And so, if behavior is judged, then i will behave in ways that i know are pleasing to Him, and if i have a real problem then all i need to do is come to Him and He is almost always willing to talk and help me find a solution to the problem.

There have been some weeks lately during which it seemed that every conversation we had included Padrone telling me how proud He is to own me, what a good slave i am to Him, how glad He is that i am His.....and He has allowed me privileges, shown me those same emotions through many and varied actionsas well as the words. It has been so wonderful, and it has been so easy to return the emotions with words and with actions.

It isn't always that way, and those are the times when i find myself second-guessing myself, Him, and everything. But the fact of the matter is that He loves me, He is proud to own me,He is happy that i am His, owning me has made a positive difference in His life, He needs me, and He wants me....even if it isn't spoken or even covertly communicated. That is how it is, and because of that, i can make it through "dry spells" of fewer words and overt actions.

Either way, i act submissively, i act loving, i act grateful, i act devoted, i act worshipful. i feel those things of course, but usually when i *act* on them, the emotions rise to the surface strongly and sharply, and i must express more and more and more.

That's what, i believe, a slave should do. Her actions should not simply reflect upon her submission or other emotions. Her actions must also reflect her desire to behave in a manner that will bring her Master pride, joy, contentment, true happiness, simply because she belongs to Him.

Padrone, i strive to always behave in a way that will bring those things to Your mind when You think of me. i know i will fail now and then, but my desire is always for Your pleasure and honor.

Thank You for teaching me this valuable lesson, and for understanding that it is one that must be relearned now and then. i love You, and i am Yours.

Emotional security

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are so many things i would like to type here but i don't have time to type everything i want to. So, i'll just begin and see where it goes.

i guess one of the thoughts that doesn't want to let go has been that of the fact that Padrone and i have reached the point in our relationship where neither of us has to ... hold onto the other.

That sounds funny, i know, especially in today's society, and it does NOT mean that either of us takes the other for granted. What i mean by it is that i *know* that Padrone is with me because HE wants to be here, and He trusts the same about me. i don't have to act in ways that are designed to....i don't know, maybe what i mean is that my thoughts aren't along the lines of "i hope i don't upset Him or make Him unhappy because if i do He may release me". And He no longer feels that He must act Domly all the time, to keep the submissive in me directed towards Him constantly. We have relaxed in some things, we both act appropriately, and since we trust the actions of the other, our relationship has been able to move beyond that and into one that is not so "behavior-based" for lack of another way to describe it.

It is as if, rather than keeping our "arms" wrapped tightly around the other to "keep" them with us, we can finally let our "arms" relax and get busy with other things, knowing that the other is not going anywhere.

Emotional security. That is a gift .... but it isn't one that comes cheaply. We have both worked very hard to gain what we have. This relationship has not come easy, it hasn't been a smooth ride, although i think we have reached a place that we are each... monitoring without obsessing.....and are more readily able to identify problems, and discuss them before they reach the point of imminent danger to the relationship.

Maybe that's the entire point. We have wanted what we have for so long, and now that we finally have it, we protect it very well. Our relationship is so valuable to each of us, although i would have to say that Padrone Himself is FAR more valuable to me than our relationship.....and even though it would literally handicap me to the point of emotional paralysis....if He ever felt that His happiness depended on releasing me....then i would want nothing more than His happiness....

Alright, i can't talk about that anymore.

i am not sure if that thought came across...about us not needing to hold onto one another anymore. We can focus on other things in our relationships, all the while monitoring where we are, and it is a VERY wonderful place to be.

Padrone, i thank You so much for leading and guiding this relationship into this place, and not letting me become complacent.....and not becoming complacent Yourself. i know You value me highly, and i know that You don't feel that i take You for granted either. What we have, Padrone, is something rare, beautiful, and immeasurably special.

i am Yours....You are mine....because we each want to be where we are.

i love You.