Out of Pocket for a bit

Written comprehensive exam questions due on Monday, with revisions later next week. I'll be out of commission for a bit until I get this done.

But don't worry. I'll be back! (I know y'all will be holding your breath until then!)

A Few D/s Thoughts

I've got a couple of thoughts running through my brain that are actually about D/s for once!

First, I was thinking of how proud Padrone is of me in almost every area of his life. I thought of how he is in the background often, not in my heart and mind but ... it's a bit hard to explain to those on the outside who think of us as having an LDR only. But I feel as if I am the one to shine, and he is the one who has the joy of owning the jewel that shines so brightly. But it feels a bit awkward to me at times, because *I* would much prefer that *HE* is the one to shine.

But he is so content to watch me grow and mature and become the best I can be. He is so happy when I do some small things like take care of myself. He loves to hear that I am walking or going shopping or getting my hair done. He says that I will be getting used to things I have never had before - a decent car, a good job, even good shoes. Yes, that is almost verbatim something that he said to me not too awfully long ago, and it really impacted me strongly. I realized that I have compromised on everything, my entire life, to such an extent that I almost always talk myself out of doing things for myself. I go WAY too long between haircuts, have never had my hair professionally colored and only had my nails done professionally once in my life. My shoes are functional but not what one might consider nice. And my car is a decent car, but....it's 12 years old. The muffler fell down and started dragging yesterday, so that's another repair. It's so many little things, and while I don't have a car payment, it sometimes seems as if I spend more in repairs than a payment would be (although it's not true of course).

But the point is that Padrone does want me to shine. He wants me to become used to nicer things. He wants me to have nice clothes, shoes, car. He wants me to look good and to feel good about myself. I am so blessed to have such a man to love me, to guide me, to teach me. And what amazes me, moves me to tears even this moment, is that he is absolutely content to be in the background while I learn to shine, to soar like an eagle while he keeps his feet firmly on the ground holding the tether that keeps me from soaring too far.

He is my hero. I have said it before, and I will say it again I am sure, but there is no disputing that fact. This man who accepts me totally, just as I am, but also sees so much potential in me....how can I ever express the emotions that overwhelm me? He is the one who should shine. He is the one who should have the spotlight, with me simply serving and encouraging him. He is the one who should be soaring, with me following along.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

And last night proved again just why that is so. Last night he talked about using me, and lately he has been talking about it more than usual. So I commented about that, simply because it has been a long time and...well I was resisting for some reason. I was surprised since it *has* been so long, and I usually don't feel that way actually. But I was mentally thinking "whatever" when Padrone said something to the effect that being used is good for me. So we talked about it and Padrone realized that I was just out of the habit of being used, and he took responsibility for it totally upon himself. Well, I can't use myself for sure but the reality is that I too should have taken responsibility for asking for it, making sure his needs are being met since that *is* my responsibility!

But I've been thinking about it. I wonder if my age, or my medicine, or lack of time has been diminishing my need for use. But I need *him* more than ever. I absolutely adore this man, but such a major part of our relationship is not expressed without the use. We can express our D/s in other ways, but honestly the intimacy that we both crave from each other is expressed most strongly through use, physical and emotional use that causes suffering and expresses the dynamic at its very core. There is nothing then, nothing except control and submission. There is only power, pulsing, throbbing, flowing almost as a living entity that strips us both bare of all except our most base needs - to control and to be controlled.

That is why we do what we do. It is who we are. It is what we need. And yes, it is good for me to be used. However, I still resist now. I think my hormones, my medicine, and my cold all contribute to it. I would prefer not to go to work sore. Right now I can think of negatives, rather than the intimacy that calls to me with its Siren's song. So yes, I know it is good for me. It keeps the resistance, the negativity, at bay.

Padrone, the best I can do today is to say that I am willing to be used. I am not eager for it, and I am disappointed in myself for that fact. I will probably be laughing at myself after the first use, but I guess it is human nature to resist what is no longer a habit. I'm laughing right now, through my tears, as I compare being used with walking. Well, I am overcoming my resistance to walking by just doing it, as I have typed here before. So maybe I am asking for help in overcoming resistance to being used, Padrone. Of course you would "help" even if I didn't ask for it, by using your slave as you wish. Thank you, for being the thoughtful, loving Padrone you are. Thank you for doing what is best for me, for you, and for us. I am more than blessed to belong to you, my Padrone. Thank you.

Question of the Day

I asked Padrone a question tonight that was said in a lighthearted tone but which has become more and more serious the more I thought about it. I asked him "What would I do without you?"

You know, Padrone and I have never met face to face. But that doesn't seem to matter much for us. I need him far more than I ever imagined I would when we began this beautiful journey. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true nonetheless.

And as I mentioned to him when he was talking about using me and how he is looking forward to using me again, for me it is the little things that mean far more than the major times of use. Those are absolutely wonderful and equally necessary for our relationship's health of course, but frankly...it is during the times when I slip in my duties and he, in his simple, direct way points me back on the right path, that mean far more to me than anything else.

Recently I've had issues with one particular student with emotional disorder, and of course Isaac was a factor for me as well. So I hadn't been in touch as I am supposed to be, like emailing daily. It felt so good to hear, "Since ChildX is no longer a factor, and Isaac is gone, you will resume your daily emails." I know it's crazy, but just hearing, feeling that short leash, is such a major comfort to me.

And I use him shamelessly to help me solve all sorts of problems. I tend to get so caught up in the details that I usually can't see the big picture. He, of course, CAN. That gives him a far better perspective than I will ever have, and I ask his advice very often. Tonight I asked for help with what turned out to be an embarrassingly simple problem (once I knew the solution, that is), and that's when I asked what I would ever do without him.

But it's true. The question is rhetorical of course, but when I think of how my life would be without him, the gratitude that seems to be a major hallmark of my emotional life simply overflows like a fountain.

I have never been as supported, as encouraged, or as accepted by anyone as I am by Padrone. He wants me to be happy, plain and simple. I have never had anyone in my life who felt that way about me. Never has my happiness made another person happy, without some ulterior motive involved.

What would I do without Padrone? I cannot even fathom it.

Padrone, I am grateful that I won't have to find out the answer to that question anytime soon. I am forever yours. Forever, gratefully, totally yours. Words fail me now...except to say thank you, for the small things, for the big things...for simply being you.