Use and Lessons Learned

Where to start? So much has been going on the past few weeks! But today was one of the best times I have experienced in a long, long time.

More about that in a bit.

I made a stupid mistake in my school and really put myself in a bind trying to recover from the lost time it cost to redo the assignment. It was a very important, and very large, assignment, so it was an extremely stressful situation. So I've been behind and playing catchup but I'm finally just about there. :)

Add to that the fact that I was sick for about 2 weeks as well, and that didn't help matters at all.

Work is good though. There is always change and circumstances that are challenging but overall it is quite a good year. There is more change coming as well (isn't there always?) which will mean more adjustments but it is my hope and my belief that the coming changes will all be good.

So there has been a lot of stress and changing and unfortunately even more need for understanding from Padrone than ever before. And he has, of course, been absolutely wonderful. Honestly, I don't know of a time when he hasn't been wonderful (overall). Of course there are the ups and downs of daily life and a rare grumpy mood or even his legendary patience wearing thin now and then but overall he is simply a good man who wants nothing more than to have a woman in his life who adores him and wants to make him happy. We call it M/s, and of course there is all the trappings of M/s involved in our relationship such as control, surrender, obedience, power, BDSM, etc. But the bottom line is that he needs and wants to be adored and pleased, and when he is pleased and happy then he does all he needs to in order to make his woman happy. It is, as has been discussed here and in other places, a wonderfully mutual relationship.

But I have unfortunately been on "cruise control" in terms of my submission. Oh, I do what I am supposed to do, most of the time. And I feel the submission because it is such an inherent part of my life. But I have not let Padrone know just how much I feel it, or how controlled I feel simply because the dynamics of our relationship keep him in the forefront of my life almost always. I simply do not communicate that well.

In our relationship it is VITAL that we communicate more than simply "how was your day?" "It was good, thanks, and yours?". And we do, but maybe not about the most important things. It can be so easy to assume that our partner understands our thoughts and emotions, when we have been together as long as we have. At times, however, things must be reiterated, reinforced, reaffirmed. I learned that again today, in a wonderfully intimate way.

Use, scening, however you word it, is such an intense, intimate time. Yes, even for us who are long distance only. As I was still burning, suffering, but coming back to my senses, we talked. I asked Padrone about his feelings regarding more emotional, romantic sexual interactions. That sparked a discussion that has reverberated in my mind ever since then. See, Padrone needs control. He needs to feel it, not simply know he has it. And lately - well for quite some time now actually - I have been neglecting that part of my responsibility in this relationship. I have been merrily going along, all content in my own little world and assuming that Padrone was just as content (and he is, don't get me wrong) and forgetting that the vast majority of our relationship is based on actually communicating our feelings. I forget that there are some feelings that are extremely important to communicate, and that it can be done without constantly being "mushy" or "discussing feelings".

So I am going to do my very best to not only do what I am supposed to do, but also to let Padrone know just exactly how much I feel his control in my life, and try to do whatever I can to help him to feel it as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that but Padrone knows that I am thinking about it, and that I am very committed to stepping up in this matter.

Padrone, I do indeed adore you, and I am your devoted slave who wishes for your happiness and pleasure with all I am. Belonging to you as your slave, being loved by you as your woman, being cherished as your fiore - I can think of nothing more fulfilling and more beautiful to me than that. What I hope is that I can find ways to become more and more pleasing to you. Thank you, my Owner, for being patient and loving and understanding even while you would have enjoyed more from me. I am yours, my Padrone, wonderfully and totally yours.

Alive and Kickin'

So my comprehensive exams are finally turned in, at least for the time being. If my adviser thinks I need to edit, then I'll have more work to do before next Monday. And then they get reviewed by a whole dad-gum committee and if they aren't good enough I'll have to do an oral defense of them. So it's a waiting game.

Other than that, I have a portfolio to do and some pretty intense assignments due each week.

BUT, Padrone used me last night and I melted into a messy, dripping puddle of mushy, adoring submission. *sigh*

Anyway, I am still alive and kicking, loving my school year (even if it is stressful and constantly changing). I never imagined that I would come to love these kids as I do after only a couple of weeks, but I find myself looking beyond the "readin', writin' and 'rithmetic" in ways I never imagined when I started this job. I also find myself enjoying 5th grade far more than I dreamed. So, this year has been a nice surprise in a lot of ways.

And I'll survive this semester, I promise! AND I'll stop whining, too!

Padrone, I adore you, my Eagle. Grazie, il Padrone mio.