Difficult Post to Write

More changes happening, this time in our relationship. I've been dealing with a lot of things, and have felt incredibly out of sorts without understanding why. That's not like me, especially since I did not take the time to overanalyze my own motivations and issues. I'm not sure just how this post will come out because this is part of my analyzing process.

A few months ago, Padrone eliminated punishments as a part of our relationship after some issues on my part regarding punishments. It was all my fault, and even now I don't know why I had those problems. I do know that my issues cause problems, of course, and caused Padrone to eliminate punishments altogether, and then to make me beg when I felt that I needed punishment.

I don't need to be punished often, I must say. And Padrone hates to punish me as well. He knows I am not perfect, and he has softened his .... not expectations, per se, but rather his rigid stance on punishment being required EVERY time I am even a tiny bit out of line. So this is not a major issue overall in our relationship...or one would think not at least.

I've been missing Padrone's overt control in my daily life. He has been unbelievably understanding of my busy life, and the stress I have been under in regards to my school and work and sick kids and me. I am unbelievably grateful to him, and love this man until my heart swells almost to bursting with adoration and joy simply because I am his woman. But I need to be controlled. If I didn't, I would not be submissive. I have not even realized just how much I have missed it, didn't even realize it was missing at all, until last night.

Padrone almost never gives me tasks to complete. It really isn't a part of our relationship, although it is not totally unheard of. Last night we were talking about watching porn, and I said that I had watched some and gotten horny on Sunday. I now have a new rule that I am to let him know when I am watching porn, and another new rule that I am to let him know when I get horny.

I watched porn last night, let him know, got horny, and let him know. I couldn't cum of course, but now and then I just like being horny. It's not easy for me to share it with him though. I've talked about this before, I know.

He asked about it tonight, and tasked me to find another video, watch it, and let him know the URL and if I get horny.

The overt control of new rules and being given a task made me yearn...and I didn't really realize what I was learning for. This morning I voxered to let him know that I was on the way to school, driving carefully because of the unusual snowfall, but I didn't let him know that I had arrived. Well, y'all know that he worries about me, and if Y'ALL know it, then *I* sure do! I was truly sorry that I gave him cause to worry, and I began to cry when I realized that even though I had done wrong, there would be no consequences if I didn't beg for them.

I can't handle that anymore.

I'm not at all sure of the reasoning behind it, the emotions behind it, or the D/s dynamic behind it, not really. I only know that I really do need as much overt control as Padrone is willing or able to provide for me. Including punishments. I asked Padrone to resume punishing me, and he agreed pending two criteria being met. I had to beg for it formally, which made me cry again. And I may not say anything negative about his punishment or his decision to punish.

I need it. I dislike being punished. I probably get a bit of an attitude about it, mostly because of my own dealing with myself. I also hate when there is no leeway but as I said, we have talked about that and I think I am in a better mindset now about it than I was. I hope I am, but even if I am not I will behave better regarding punishments.

And this post itself is also a task. Padrone rarely requires me to type anything specific, especially here in my blog. But I truly had to work through a lot of unexpected, and unexpectedly surfacing, emotions. I don't often do that while typing here, but ... Padrone knows me well.

Padrone, it is the control, the accountability, and the shifting of responsibility back to you that I need so powerfully. I crave the feeling of being held safely rather than....independent. I feel as if my emotions are running wild, and all over the place, and they are indefinable. I feel as if they represent my life right now, which is why I need, crave, yearn for the overt control to be more present - to help me focus on what is most important and ask for help with prioritizing or making decisions that are becoming more and more difficult as time passes.

I am crying even as I type this. It is one of the most difficult posts I have ever written. I have no idea if it makes sense, or if it addresses what it was supposed to address. All I know is that I feel a massive sense of relief and gratitude, and mushiness, as if a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, more than my words can say, for resuming the punishing of your slave when she needs it. Grazie, grazie, il Padrone mio.