It is once again our anniversary, and it seems that things keep getting better and better. It never seems possible, and yet somehow, it always happens!
Lately has probably been the most difficult time of our entire relationship, and to be honest, had some of these things happened early on, it might not have survived. But thanks mostly to Padrone's patience, understanding, and His real work at being the best Master He can be, for the slave He owns.
Padrone has been so very consistent, and yet He has changed in some ways in the two years that His collar has circled my neck. We both have, i know, but somehow i never realized that He was growing along with me. Somehow i used to have this image of Him as .... waiting for me to grow into the slave He deserves, because He deserves the best possible slave there is. But i have learned that His desire is to be the best possible Master for me as well, and for some reason that really stunned me....
So now, on our Anniversary, a day of celebration, of looking both back to where we have come from and ahead to where we will go....i say thank You, my Master.
Thank You for the love that i had to learn to see.
Thank You for the patience that lets me grow.
Thank You for the focus on Your slave that frees me to focus on You so totally.
Thank You for the acceptance that creates safety.
Thank You for using my body, my mind, my emotions, for Your pleasure.
Thank You for needing the depths of submission that i could never before express.
Thank You for believing in me.
Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.
Thank You, Padrone, for owning me so beautifully.
Absolutely and completely devoted to You,
i am Yours.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
a brief explanation
This post is a bit more difficult than some to write. i've taken a few weeks off, as anyone who follows my blog knows already. There is a very valid reason for it, of which i will give a partial explanation.
Something happened recently, a traumatic event, that triggered the breaking of an emotional dam in me. The result of the onslaught of emotions, specifically things i thought i had already dealt with and put away but which i had simply locked in a compartment inside my mind, is that i have entered counseling. The emotions that overwhelmed me, and which i am still dealing with, are a result of being sexually molested as a child.
i haven't been in counseling but a few weeks, but already things have come out that have stunned me. Some things i see as insurmountable, to be honest. i've never been in counseling, but i know a lot about it for various reasons, and the intellectual side of me knows they aren't insurmountable. The emotional side sees mountains, and can't grasp the concept of moving mountains one rock at a time. i know i will be alright. i have deep faith that what i am doing is the right thing for me, for my family, for my friends, and for my Padrone. No, i didn't put that in order of priorities, rather in order of proximity.
i can honestly say that this is not something i ever wanted to do. i truly thought i had dealt with all of this and it was "gone"...diffused or defused, whichever fits best. But it was still a ticking bomb, and one traumatic event....albiet highly traumatic, triggered the explosion. The fallout is that i can't make all the unruly, unwanted, undesirable emotions fall neatly back into their hiding place again. And because they are exposed, they affect me, and they have control over me, and i don't like that one BIT!
i'm not sure how detailed to go about that bit here. i have reached the point that i am a bit immune to the comments of others regarding the abuse, but i also know that others see anyone talking about things in their past that helped to shape their actions today as whining. i'm not a whiner, usually, and i don't want to impose myself on anyone, although this *is* my blog and if you don't want to read it all you have to do is close the window. i'll have to see how i feel about it once this is published i think.
Since this blog is mainly about the relationship that Padrone and i have, the natural question is, how does this affect us? Well, i honestly can't speak for Padrone, except to say that He commented that what happened caused Him to rethink His role in my life, and make some adjustments in His role as my Master. For me, of course, i have regressed in a lot of ways, although not nearly as far as i would have had i not been expecting it and also if i didn't carefully monitor my emotions, or as best i can at least.
My biggest fear is that i will succeed in sabotaging this relationship, which i have done in the past although that is not something i like admitting about myself. i honestly don't think Padrone will let me - He knows me fairly well after two years, wouldn't y'all say? i think He can see when my thoughts turn in that direction, sometimes even more clearly than i can to be honest. Sometimes is truly is easier to be on the outside looking in.
It is difficult for me to know what to say about all of this, and when to say it. If He doesn't mention it, i take it to mean that He doesn't want to hear about it, so i don't mention it either. Or i didn't. We've talked and that won't be a problem anymore. :) What else? Oh yes, scenes and socialization. Well, scenes are difficult for me, but it's getting better daily, or nearly dailly anyway. And socialization - that has been something neither of us has wanted for our own reasons......each of us has His/her own reason i mean, to not want to socialize right now. That, too, will change when the time is right.
What else? Well, things might have been different, except that Padrone has something where He lives that He is also dealing with, and so each of us is distracted. But we are still focusing on one another, and that is the important thing.
Padrone, my thoughts are with You today, and i thank You for being my Padrone. You are right...when i was allowed to choose, i chose very well. i love You.
Something happened recently, a traumatic event, that triggered the breaking of an emotional dam in me. The result of the onslaught of emotions, specifically things i thought i had already dealt with and put away but which i had simply locked in a compartment inside my mind, is that i have entered counseling. The emotions that overwhelmed me, and which i am still dealing with, are a result of being sexually molested as a child.
i haven't been in counseling but a few weeks, but already things have come out that have stunned me. Some things i see as insurmountable, to be honest. i've never been in counseling, but i know a lot about it for various reasons, and the intellectual side of me knows they aren't insurmountable. The emotional side sees mountains, and can't grasp the concept of moving mountains one rock at a time. i know i will be alright. i have deep faith that what i am doing is the right thing for me, for my family, for my friends, and for my Padrone. No, i didn't put that in order of priorities, rather in order of proximity.
i can honestly say that this is not something i ever wanted to do. i truly thought i had dealt with all of this and it was "gone"...diffused or defused, whichever fits best. But it was still a ticking bomb, and one traumatic event....albiet highly traumatic, triggered the explosion. The fallout is that i can't make all the unruly, unwanted, undesirable emotions fall neatly back into their hiding place again. And because they are exposed, they affect me, and they have control over me, and i don't like that one BIT!
i'm not sure how detailed to go about that bit here. i have reached the point that i am a bit immune to the comments of others regarding the abuse, but i also know that others see anyone talking about things in their past that helped to shape their actions today as whining. i'm not a whiner, usually, and i don't want to impose myself on anyone, although this *is* my blog and if you don't want to read it all you have to do is close the window. i'll have to see how i feel about it once this is published i think.
Since this blog is mainly about the relationship that Padrone and i have, the natural question is, how does this affect us? Well, i honestly can't speak for Padrone, except to say that He commented that what happened caused Him to rethink His role in my life, and make some adjustments in His role as my Master. For me, of course, i have regressed in a lot of ways, although not nearly as far as i would have had i not been expecting it and also if i didn't carefully monitor my emotions, or as best i can at least.
My biggest fear is that i will succeed in sabotaging this relationship, which i have done in the past although that is not something i like admitting about myself. i honestly don't think Padrone will let me - He knows me fairly well after two years, wouldn't y'all say? i think He can see when my thoughts turn in that direction, sometimes even more clearly than i can to be honest. Sometimes is truly is easier to be on the outside looking in.
It is difficult for me to know what to say about all of this, and when to say it. If He doesn't mention it, i take it to mean that He doesn't want to hear about it, so i don't mention it either. Or i didn't. We've talked and that won't be a problem anymore. :) What else? Oh yes, scenes and socialization. Well, scenes are difficult for me, but it's getting better daily, or nearly dailly anyway. And socialization - that has been something neither of us has wanted for our own reasons......each of us has His/her own reason i mean, to not want to socialize right now. That, too, will change when the time is right.
What else? Well, things might have been different, except that Padrone has something where He lives that He is also dealing with, and so each of us is distracted. But we are still focusing on one another, and that is the important thing.
Padrone, my thoughts are with You today, and i thank You for being my Padrone. You are right...when i was allowed to choose, i chose very well. i love You.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Short and sweet - kind of like me....
It's been a while since i have typed anything here, obviously. i only type when there is something to say, and until a week or so ago, i did most of my "saying" privately, to Padrone.
Last weekend some things happened to each of us, absolutely unexpected and highly stressful things. These things will settle down eventually, of this i am sure. But for now, our focus has been on a lot of things, not many of them BDSM related.
Padrone...thank You for Your patience and understanding, even though You had Your own situation to deal with there. Thank You for giving all You did, all You could. Thank You for keeping me focused.
Things are getting better every day, although i'm not entirely sure why. You have made me more Yours than ever before, overruling my fears for the most part, and reiterating what our relationship is all about. This, in spite of the fact that You had a stressful week as well.
i love You, Padrone, and yes......i am totally and inexorably Yours...forever.
Last weekend some things happened to each of us, absolutely unexpected and highly stressful things. These things will settle down eventually, of this i am sure. But for now, our focus has been on a lot of things, not many of them BDSM related.
Padrone...thank You for Your patience and understanding, even though You had Your own situation to deal with there. Thank You for giving all You did, all You could. Thank You for keeping me focused.
Things are getting better every day, although i'm not entirely sure why. You have made me more Yours than ever before, overruling my fears for the most part, and reiterating what our relationship is all about. This, in spite of the fact that You had a stressful week as well.
i love You, Padrone, and yes......i am totally and inexorably Yours...forever.
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